I‘m so scared to go outside today. I might catch swine flu. Luckily, I have a bunch of duct tape, gas masks and canned goods left over from the avian flu scare.

How can you not be shitting bricks of fear right now? Even the award-winning journalists on ESPN are reporting on this famine. Also, Texas is shutting down high school sports. If you've ever watched "Friday Night Lights," you know Texans love their high school sports. And, the Lone Star State doesn't make stupid decisions. Ever.

I mean, the death tolls of this swine flu are catastrophic. If 20 already sick and elderly Mexicans out of a population of 20 million died from this bacon-flavored plague, that means you have a 1.0 x 10-6 chance of death from swine flu.

I'm very prepared though. I threw out all my baboon meat after monkey pox became a global threat. I still don't talk to Asians, eat sushi or do calculus after SARS. I'm especially wary of Egyptians and mosquitoes after West Nile Virus cruised through my area. Also, I heard those Africanized Killer Bees are still on a rampant rage throughout one of those South American countries. You've got to stay frosty on these situations.

Now I propose that I quit going to Taco Bell because I heard Mexicans carried the sickness with them. Now that's a commitment.

P.S. My apologies. I know this is about a week late to be relevant, but I wanted to put up something during my recent hiatus. Long story, but this piece was done about nine days ago, I just didn't have time to publish.

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