Tampa, FL by way of St. Louis, MO

Nathan DeGraaf graduated fucking years ago with a BA in Creative Writing from the University of South Florida, which he still lives near because college chicks are the best. On weekday evenings, Nate can typically be found at any one of a number of North Tampa bars. On weekends, he typically cannot be found. When not drinking, fishing, watching sports, or having sex, Nathan likes to read, play the harmonica, and show up for work. Throughout the course of his life, he has been arrested six times because, as his father has often said, "the kid is fucking stupid."

Comedy Writing

Wintry Fresh Snippets

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/scope-797880.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/scope-796290.jpg" border="0" /></a>Ryan: My date is drinking mouthwash.<br />Me: What do you mean, drinking?<br />Ryan: She brought mouthwash to the party, and she’s drinking it. I don’t know how to bring this up.<br />Jen: Have Nate do it.<br />Ryan: Nate, would you go ask her why in the hell she’s drinking mouthwash?<br />Me: She’s your date. Why don’t you ask her?<br />Ryan: ‘Cause she’s my date.<br /><br />Me: So um, that’s good mouthwash, huh?<br />Kelly: Yeah, you ever drink mouthwash?<br />Me: No, I was told at a young age not to swallow that stuff.<br />Kelly: Oh, you’re missing out. It gets you good and drunk and keeps your breath fresh. When you drink this stuff, you don’t even want a cigarette. That’s how I got into it.<br /><br />Me: So, you decided to start drinking mouthwash to help your breath?<br />Kelly: Well actually, I first started it in rehab, you know, ‘cause I couldn’t drink, but then I came to like it more than alcohol, and then, after drinking it a lot, I stopped smoking all together.<br />Me: I can respect that.<br />Kelly: Like I care what you respect.<br /><br />Me: So, what do you think of Ryan?<br />Kelly: Who’s that?<br />Me: Your date.<br />Kelly: Oh, he’s cute, but I think he’s boring. What do you think about him?<br />Me: I think he’s the kind of guy who would never drink mouthwash.<br />Kelly: Some people are just close-minded.<br />Me: You know what, give me a swig of that.<br /><br />Me: Why is your toilet so small?<br />James: So the fat women don’t get too comfortable in my house.<br />Me: Genius.<br /><br />Jen: So why does she drink mouthwash for fun?<br />Me: Cute story. She started drinking mouthwash in rehab. And then later, she learned that mouthwash is one of the alcohol products that did not cause her to want a cigarette, so she used it to quit smoking, and I guess she’s just gotten used to it and now she just drinks it regularly. She’s real open minded.<br />Ryan: So what would you do if you were me, Nate?<br />Me: If I were you, I’d run from the house screaming, “That chick is way too weird for me!”<br />Ryan: Okay, smart ass. What if you were in my situation?<br />Me: I’d try the mouthwash. It ain’t half bad.<br />Jen: Dude, you and the mouthwash chick were meant for each other.<br />Ryan: Yeah, a real match made in bizzaro world.

Un(fucking)titled

Something simple about fucking,<br />Something savage and unreal<br />Lurking behind the natural feel<br />Of the tingling, sweating and sucking.<br /><br />Something really isn’t there or maybe<br />Something is on its way<br />Or really, something I feel up and crawling<br />Down my back, something I say<br />Crawling into my brain,<br />Throughout each vein<br />And running away<br />With the motion<br />Of emotion<br />Until I am simply clay <br />in your hands…<br /><br />Something simple about fucking<br />You.<br /><br />I say it’s love.

My Niece is Smart

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/howitzerfiring-788870.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/howitzerfiring-787022.jpg" border="0" /></a>Here’s a conversation my 6 year old niece and mother had while walking by a St. Louis Legion Hall (that proudly displays an old WWII Howitzer). I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.<br /><br />Katy: What’s that?<br />Mom: That’s a howitzer. It’s a big gun that they used to shoot down planes in World War II.<br />Katy: Is that the war that Uncle Jay was in?<br />Mom: No, that was the war in Afghanistan.<br />Katy: Is that the war that Poppy was in?<br />Mom: No, that was the Vietnam War.<br />Katy: Well, who was in that war, then?<br />Mom: Both of your great poppies were in that war.<br />Katy: There sure are a lot of wars, Grandma.<br />Mom: Yes there are.<br />Katy: Seems kinda stupid doesn’t it?<br />Mom: Yes it does, Katy.<br />Katy: Why do they always have wars?<br />Mom: I don’t know, Katy.<br />Katy: I think it’s ‘cause they don’t know how to talk to each other. I think most people get in arguments ‘cause they don’t know how to talk to each other.<br />Mom: So do I Katy.<br /><br />We're thinking she might skip a grade.

Return of the Picks

<a href="http://www.deadspin.com/sports/pantherscheerleaders.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:pointer;width:200px;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" src="http://www.deadspin.com/sports/pantherscheerleaders.jpg" alt="" border="0" /></a>Does anyone out there have a friend who doesn’t drink alcohol but still likes to go out and have a good time? My friend Happy is like this. For whatever reason, he doesn’t drink (he once told me why but I don’t really remember because I’m self involved). So he’ll hit up the bars on game days and sit and cheer for his team while guzzling soda like a sugar addict. And he has just as much fun as anyone else. He’s always good for a high five or three and he’s fun to talk to during the games and at half time. My point is, Happy enjoys himself and doesn’t care that he can’t drink anymore.<br /><br />Actually, that wasn’t my point. This is: I am now the sports gambling equivalent of Happy. Because of the deal I made with the football gods, I cannot gamble until 2006. This, however, does not mean that I can’t write about football gambling. Just like Happy still gets to sit down in The Local Pub and make fun of Tampa Bay’s kiddie-pool-sized QB depth, I can still stroll onto The Nate Way and tap my happy fingers about football. (Side note: I was gonna give up on writing about Football completely because of the number of great sports writers available to the public, but a guy named Freeze left a comment stating that I should keep writing about sports. I listen to people whose names are verbs. Just one of my things).<br /><br />At any rate, I’m picking every NFL game against the spread from now on. Break out the pinky rings, hand-rolled cigars and single malt scotch. We’re playing odds here, people. Home teams in capital letters.<br /><br /><strong>Chiefs (+2) over BILLS</strong><br />Imagine waking up one day, strolling into the office, grabbing that first cup of coffee, and then hearing the boss say, “Hey, I need you to go to Buffalo over the weekend.” I mean, you’d be pissed wouldn’t you? You’d fly to Buffalo, do your job as quickly as possible, get it done right so you never have to think about it again, chomp a few wings with people who pack away an average of six pounds of cheese per week, and then get the hell out and pretend it never happened, wouldn’t you? The Chiefs are gonna show up, work hard, get out, and beg Coach Dick to let them get right back on the plane. You know a city sucks when it can make you grateful for what you have in Kansas City. And yes, if Vermeil ran my team I would call him “Coach Dick” every chance I got.<br /><br /><strong>Redskins (pk) over BUCCANEERS</strong><br />I hate picking against my team. But our starting QB is Chris Simms, who’s backed up by Tim Rattay, who’s backed up by Luke McNown. At this point, I honestly think you could do the job better. Yes, you. I can tell you have heart. It’s obvious.<br /><br /><strong>Patriots (-3) over DOLPHINS</strong><br />I could pick this game either way and it wouldn’t matter. This spread is perfect. The Patriots will win by a field goal and this bet will be a push. In other words gambling fans, stay the hell away from this one.<br /><br /><strong>BEARS (-12) over 49ers<br /></strong>Have you ever seen Soldier Field when things are going well for the Bears in November? If you answered no, odds are you’re one of the many people born after 1982. The Bears have snuck in the playoff picture this year, anonymously and without grandeur, and are just flat out getting the job done (the next few years for the Bears are gonna be interesting). The Bears are like The Guy on the Couch from the movie, “Half Baked.” No one knows how The Bears got in the house, no one knows who they are or how long they’ll stay, but for some reason, you believe them when they tell you that they didn’t kill your dog. You don’t know why, but you do.<br /><br /><strong>Vikings (+9) over GIANTS</strong><br />Here’s my deal: I watched Brad Johnson win a Super Bowl for Tampa Bay. I feel like I know the guy. Brad Johnson does not deserve to be a nine point underdog against anyone. BJ is like an old Volvo: ugly, slow, safe and reliable. I don’t think he’ll win this game, but the Vikings will still be in it in the fourth quarter and Johnson won’t lose it for them. Furthermore, Eli simply cannot win unless he’s in a close game. He’s like a baseball closer. I honestly think he actually stops paying attention when he gets a two score lead.<br /><br /><strong>DETROIT (-3.5) over Arizona</strong><br />I would rather pay my taxes than watch this game.<br /><br /><strong>JACKSONVILLE (-6.5) over Baltimore</strong><br />All across Jacksonville right now, chubby men with thick southern accents are stuffing their mouths with Chic Fil A Chicken Biscuits and looking up from the sports section to say things like, “Wow, they’re pretty good this year. Honey, can your brother in law still get tickets?” I give it three weeks (at the most) until all the pregame “analysts” start saying stuff like, “And the Jaguars may be for real, folks.”<br /><br /><strong>COLTS (-17) over Texans</strong><br />I look at the Colts’ schedule this year, and their defense this year, and their new offensive strategy (i.e. own the game, not the highlight reels) and I just can’t help but wonder how the ‘72 Dolphins are feeling from week to week. I’ll bet they’re a little nervous.<br /><br /><strong>PANTHERS (-8.5) over Jets</strong><br />Did the Panthers defense even review film for this one? Do you think the defensive coordinator started their meeting with the words, “Does anyone here think they’ll have a problem with either Bollinger or Testaverde?” And then the whole unit started laughing maniacally? Yeah, I’ll bet that’s how that went down.<br /><br /><strong>Denver (-2.5) over OAKLAND</strong><br />First off, if you like dumb penalties, hard hits, personal fouls and Mike Shanahan’s hair, this is the game for you. Second off, this spread is a personal insult to the Broncos (who have a much better team than Shanahan realizes). And third off, this is the time of year when Kerry Collins calls his accountant, learns how much money he has, and decides to dedicate the rest of the year to the local strip club scene. If Jake Plummer wasn’t featured prominently in this game, the spread would be 7.<br /><br /><strong>Rams (+6.5) over SEAHAWKS</strong><br />My Dad swears this is the way to go. Hey man, he’s got a doctorate. How can I not listen to him?<br /><br />(Side note: If Mike Martz ever wants to get back into football, he absolutely must be an offensive coordinator again. He’s like the enthusiastic restaurant manager who has a lot of great ideas, many of which work, but without someone logical to run those ideas by, he gets himself into trouble. He needs a boss to say things like, “Okay, Mike. I like most of your ideas. But we simply cannot offer patrons free beer on Wednesdays. I don’t care if it’s our slowest day. That’s a dumb move. We’ll lose money.” When Mike’s your head coach, no one’s there to say things to him like, “Hey, maybe we ought to run the ball once this game.” So, the question is, would Mike Martz be willing to go back to being an offensive coordinator again in the NFL? The answer, of course, is no.)<br /><br /><strong>FALCONS (-9) over Packers</strong><br />Much like I’m not allowed at high school cheerleading camps anymore, Brett Favre should not be allowed in domes. Especially now that Brett’s sixty years old and dedicating this year to breaking the league turnover record. Conversely, the Falcons must be having some kind of success this year because they got PIC creator Court Sullivan to walk a mile to a game. Now that’s a team with draw.<br /><br /><strong>Browns (+ 7.5) over STEELERS</strong><br />Charlie Batch is starting for the Steelers. I have nothing more to add here.<br /><br /><strong>EAGLES (-2.5) over Cowboys<br /></strong>Here’s a summary of a conversation I overheard at The Local Pub.<br /><br />Guy 1: So, Philly suspended T.O. indefinitely for his mouth.<br />Guy 2: What’d he say?<br />Guy 1: I don’t know. The usual stuff, probably. I stopped listening to T.O. when he was in Frisco. The guy’s like a landfill. Just ‘cause you’re driving by, don’t mean you gotta roll down the windows and take in the smell.<br /><br />That exchange had nothing to do with the game, but it got me thinking. If you played for Philly, and a reporter came up and asked you about the whole T.O. situation, wouldn’t you love to have that landfill analogy at your disposal? You could even take it further. You could be like, “The guy’s like a landfill. And we were sick of being next to the stench. We tried rolling up our windows. We tried room deodorizer. We even tried spraying Ozium and lighting cigars. Well, the smell still got into our clothes. We just had to drive away.”<br /><br />This is why I think every professional sports team should have at least one script writer, by the way.

Observations Like a Hairy Misdemeanor

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/sprinklers-763431.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/sprinklers-761350.jpg" border="0" /></a>Last Tuesday morning, I awoke to witness the malfunction of my apartment complex’s sprinkler system.

Suspending the Snippets

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/porter-748471.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/porter-744459.jpg" border="0" /></a>Greg: Dude, that guy is really pissing me off.<br />Mike: He’s Nathan. That’s what he does. I’m surprised it took this long before he pissed off someone today.<br />Me: Yeah, that was almost six hours.<br />Mike: And you were drinking.<br />Me: Maybe I’m mellowing.<br />Mike: Yeah, you’re getting old. You just can’t piss people off like you could back in the day.<br />Me: By the time I’m forty, I’ll probably be a nice guy.<br />Mike: Yeah, I doubt it.<br /><br />Me: So, you fucking her now?<br />Tom: Dude, please, 'fucking' is not the correct nomenclature. It’s ‘dating.’ Have some class.<br />Me: Whatever, Walter.<br /><br />Me: I really upset some people with my latest column.<br />Steve: What was it about?<br />Me: It was a To Do list for the women of America. I basically said that they need to learn how to cook and quit bitching and think rationally.<br />Steve: And that upset some people? I’m shocked.<br /><br />Me: So Jennifer Porter hits four little black kids, kills two of them, leaves the scene of the accident and only gets two years of house arrest. You don’t think racism played a part in this, do you?<br />Brian: Of course it did.<br />Me: But Jennifer Porter was Cuban.<br />Brian: Yeah, but from a racist perspective that’s better than black. Everything except extremist Muslim is better than black.<br />Me: How do the racists determine this?<br />Brian: It’s a complex equation. I believe it takes into consideration the amount of Welfare dollars spent and average length of prison terms, and then factors in the employment rate.<br />Me: You so wrong.<br />Brian: It’s a prejudiced world. Don’t shoot the messenger.<br />Me: Whatever, man. Your Schwaztika’s showing.<br /><br />Ryan: Man, Terrell Owens is suspended for the season. I think the Eagles made the right move there.<br />Me: I don’t.<br />Tony: Uh oh, get comfortable. This one’s gonna take a while.<br /><br />Ryan: How can you be on T.O.’s side, Nate? He’s a shit talker.<br />Me: I’m not on T.O.’s side. I just think that the team should be above the media. Whatever any of those guys say to the press should be ignored completely. They have a job and it’s on the field. Everything else is crap.<br />Tony: They’re not running classified ops for the CIA, Nate. They’re in the public eye.<br />Me: Who the hell was talking to you?<br /><br />Tony: I’m just saying that part of their job is handling the media. It ain’t 1940 now. They got cameras everywhere.<br />Me: Was T.O. a good receiver this year?<br />Tony: He talked smack about his quarterback and his coach.<br />Me: Did he catch the freaking passes?<br />Tony: Yes, he caught the passes. But there’s more to it than that. It’s about respect.<br />Me: If he’s that bad a teammate then just stop blocking for him. Don’t pull this suspension crap.<br />Tony: So what you’re saying is, suspending him for being a blatant distraction is wrong, but letting the opposition kill him for it is okay.<br />Me: Exactly.<br />Ryan: Dude, I don’t know about you, Nate.<br /><br />Me: Here’s how I see it. If I have a job making widgets, and I make widgets better than anyone, and I bitch about how much I hate working with everyone else because I think they suck, the CEO wouldn’t fire the best widget maker; he wouldn’t even suspend me.<br />Ryan: Unless you sexually harassed his daughter.<br />Me: Well, yeah, but that’s not really a part of this scenario.<br />Ryan: Why not? Maybe the Eagles feel as if they’ve been sexually harassed. Maybe they’re hurt and wounded on the inside and all they want to do is curl up in a ball and die.<br />Me: Dude, I don’t know about you, Ryan.<br /><br />Carrie: What’s a widget?<br />Ryan: It’s a made up thing that they use in economics classes to represent a product.<br />Carrie: Oh, so you can’t really make them?<br />Ryan: No, you can only fake make them.<br /><br />Me: It’s supposed to be a game of men. If a guy wants to talk smack, that’s one thing. But let the team take care of it.<br />Ryan: That’s mob rule, dude. You can’t just let some dude talk smack about your team, especially if he’s on your team. There’s no I in team, man.<br />Me: There’s no I in cliché either.<br />Ryan: Wait a minute. Yes there is.

Jingle Bell Sun Block

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/santa-793175.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/santa-790229.jpg" border="0" /></a>I love the holiday season in Florida. There is nothing cooler on planet Earth than stepping outside on an eighty degree November Saturday morning and watching a Puerto Rican guy string lights over a palm tree, set out a Santa on his roof (only after dressing St. Nick up in a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses) while I sip a screwdriver and tan. It’s like coming to work and finding a fresh Pina Colada sitting atop your inbox. Except the Florida Holiday Season actually happens.<br /><br />In Miami, they have a winter carnival, complete with a pig tossing event. I’d go in more detail, but hell, just google it. I can’t write about that any better than Dave Barry did.<br /><br />My buddy Big Mike throws an annual Thanksgiving party for those of us who don’t go back north for Thanksgiving break. We sit around a pool listening to football, sucking on beers while Mike and his flavor of the month take care of the kitchen details. Ah, Florida.<br /><br />I love going to Clearwater Beach in December and listening to some of the Reggae bands play Christmas carols. “The Little Drummer Boy” is awesome Rasta style. Trust me on that.<br /><br />I love it when the college kids clear out for break, and I can go up to a bar on a football Sunday and play cards with the bartender while bitching about the Buccaneers.<br /><br />But mainly I love how good it feels to come back home, after three or four days in St. Louis, and go straight from the airport to the beach, stick my toes in the sand, look up at the sun drenched sky and thank God that it will be another 12 months until I put on a winter jacket again.<br /><br />One winter, I told my buddy Anton that the Midwest was God’s country.<br /><br />“Yeah, and he can keep it,” replied Anton.<br /><br />And our laughter drowned out the sounds of his children playing in his pool on a seventy degree December day.<br /><br />Ho ho ho, indeed.

Behind the Scenes—The Internet is Weird

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/behindthe-723913.gif"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/behindthe-719415.gif" border="0" /></a>The internet is weird. Since I started tapping my keys for PIC almost five months ago, I have received emails from high school friends who found me through the site, emails of a complimentary nature from both women and men, and emails of a negative nature (death threats, people who took me seriously and wanted to let me know how wrong my social perspective is, and computer viruses). Oh and pictures of breasts (thanks, by the way). I have even had a few phone conversations with some of these readers (one of them even stood in line for over two hours to get me an autographed copy of a book I really wanted, then mailed said book to me—and yes, I owe her my first born) and I must say that it absolutely delights me that people read me. (Side note: I can’t remember the last time I actually felt delighted. Stop and ask yourself how often you feel delighted. It’s not often. Anyway, back to the business at hand).<br /><br />Here are some highlights from some of the emails I have received.<br /><br />“Are there any other forms of sodomy that you enjoy enough to write about?”<br />—S Diddy<br /><br />“Just wanted to let you know that my boyfriend is a regular reader of your articles. He didn’t tell me that, I just know because he sometimes cuts and pastes some of your lines, (particularly things that women should know) and sends them to me. And later I found out that the lines are from your articles. Anyway, I love your articles too, been reading them regularly. I love your sarcastic tone. Cheers.”<br />Rena,<br />KL, Malaysia.<br />—Rena<br /><br />“If your trying to be a comedian or taking some kind of journalism; don't give up your day job at McDonalds.”<br />—Timothy<br /><br />“Hello Nathan DeGraaf, My 8 yr. old son and I were looking at football stuff tonight and I stumbled across you. I am the former Mrs. Nathan DeGraaf. Of course to a different Nathan DeGraaf. Not a very common name. I am surprised as %^$$&* that there is another one out there. Well, If you want to know anything else I will answer. So So So strange, that I just had to tell you about it.”<br />—Keriann<br /><br />“So I'm sitting here in Baghdad, Iraq, surfing the internet b/c my work is complete for the day, and I think, ‘I'd bet that if I google Nate DeGraaf, I'll find him on the first page, and it'll be something off the wall.’ ... and now I write.”<br />—Greg (former high school classmate)<br /><br />So there you go. There are lots of other ones too, but I’m not posting any of the death threats, breasts, or viruses. I just want to say, feel free to keep them coming people. Whether positive or negative, your emails de freaking light me.<br /><br />And that ain’t a common feeling.

Strippin’ the Snippets

Me: So you’ve been a stripper for three years, and through all that time, you never got one disease, did one line of cocaine or failed one class? Lynn: That’s right.

Observations Like a Fridgeworthy Sketch

<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bear-706026.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bear-703536.jpg" border="0" /></a>I just found out that the cute girl who lives three floors above me is a Junior at USF, is majoring in criminology, belongs to a sorority and works as a stripper three

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