Jealous Much
Dear readers, I have fallen victim to jealousy (I know, I know. You’re shocked.) I am jealous of the female orgasm.
Comedy Writing
Remote Control Snippets
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/remotecontrol-775772.jpg"><img style="float:left;cursor:hand;margin:0 10px 10px 0;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/remotecontrol-773087.jpg" border="0" /></a>Tony: So, are you going camping this weekend?<br />Me: No.<br />Tony: I’m going camping this weekend.<br />Me: Sounds fun.<br />Tony: Why aren’t you going camping?<br />Me: Are you inviting me camping?<br />Tony: Do you wanna go camping?<br />Me: No.<br /><br />Peek: So Nate finally got a decent TV, huh?<br />Amy: Yeah, but he went from ten channels on this little, fuzzy TV to like the featured digital cable package on this really big screen. It’s like it’s too much for him. He’s overwhelmed.<br />Rachel: Did she say she’s too much for Nate?<br />Leon: No, no. His TV is.<br />Rachel: Good god, I thought he brought a prostitute into my home.<br />Me: Maybe next week, Rachel. Maybe next week.<br /><br />Me: I’m telling you, I think I’m addicted to this television option.<br />Court: So you’ve got three evil boxes controlling your life, now.<br />Me: Actually, the TIVO thing hooks into the cable box so I really only have two: the TV and the cable box.<br />Court: I know. I was counting Amy’s box.<br />Me: Ouch.<br /><br />Brad: So yeah, this is Nate. I haven’t seen him since the time we rushed the field at the Louisville game. It was hilarious. Me and my cousin were dodging the cops and hugging the players and shit, and then I see him out of the corner of my eye and I’m like, “Whoa, that’s Nate. Hey Nate, how you doing?” And he’s like, “Brad, where have you been? How’s the new job?” Meanwhile the cops are hitting kids with Tasers and leading people off in cuffs. And we’re fucking reminiscing.<br />Me: That may have been the highlight of my life, that game.<br />Brad: Yeah. That was pretty fun.<br />Me: So anyway, how is the new job?<br />Brad: I quit it last week.<br /><br />Emmy: So, are you in a serious relationship?<br />Me: Why does it have to be serious? Why can’t I be in a funny relationship?<br />Emmy: What’s a funny relationship?<br />Me: It’s one where you can make love and party and laugh and have fun.<br />Emmy: That’s fine. As long as it’s in a serious relationship.<br />Me: I’ll never understand women.<br /><br />Court: I can’t believe all those girls wrote such positive feedback on your last column. It’s kind of upsetting because, it’s like, all those girls were saying that they didn’t want the whole metro-sexual kind of guy, but at the same token, it’s like, we changed because they wanted us to. And now they don’t like it. It seems unfair that they’re blaming men for being how they wanted us to be.<br />Me: You think too much.<br /><br />Amy: How much does the typical prostitute charge?<br />Me: I don’t know.<br />Amy: What’s the best way to find a Tampa prostitute?<br />Me: I honestly don’t know. Why do you keep asking me about whores?<br />Amy: I don’t know. It just seems like something that you would know.
The Best High School Teacher I’ve Ever Had
Maybe eight or nine teachers have ever really reached me and Bruce was one of them. He was eccentric, intense, and fun.
Observations Like Cherry Pez
Have any of you guys ever taken a woman out to dinner, sat down with her at a table, ordered your drinks, and heard her say, “I don’t think I’m hungry”? Well, I have. And my resulting thought process was something like this: <em>What?
On a Summer’s Night (A Song)
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/plague-785351.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/plague-781552.jpg" border="0" /></a>When the sun shines bright<br />Early on a Saturday night<br />And the barbecue’s through<br />And the buzz is all right,<br />That’s when I come to you,
The Snippets’ Late Brother
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/chirspenn-710507.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/chirspenn-707134.jpg" border="0" /></a>Me: I’m having a hard time coming up with snippets this week.<br />Amy: Well, I mean, you haven’t left the house for five days.<br />Me: It really is a nice TV.<br /><br />Ryan: So, you seeing a new girl now?<br />Me: Yeah. How’d you know?<br />Ryan: I think the whole neighborhood knows. She… she ain’t quiet.<br />Me: She’s a nice girl, though.<br />Ryan: Sounds like it.<br /><br />Jen: Where you been? You haven’t been around much.<br />Me: I’m seeing someone.<br />Jen: What? Every night?<br />Me: Seems like it.<br />Jen: I can’t believe you found a girl that could put up with you that often?<br />Me: Seriously, it’s a wonder why I don’t come here more.<br /><br />Ryan: You ain’t nutted on any of these couches, did you?<br />Me: Not to my knowledge.<br />Ryan: But you had sex on them, right?<br />Me: Yeah.<br />Ryan: So where should I sit?<br />Me: Ryan, I don’t think you can find a surface in this place I haven’t had sex on. You want a beer?<br />Ryan: You didn’t do nothing freaky with that bottle, did you?<br />Me: Would you mellow out?<br /><br />Me: Sean Penn’s brother died, I heard.<br />Brian: Yeah, I’m all broken up.<br />Me: Heartless bastard.<br /><br />Me: When did you become frigid?<br />Amy: Around the time I started bleeding vaginally.<br /><br />Amy: The best thing about the snippets is that you feel like you’re sitting somewhere and overhearing a bit of a conversation that’s totally funny on its own. That’s why they’re your best writing.<br />Me: Thanks. But it’s not so much writing as it is just remembering.<br />Amy: Okay then, it’s pretty good remembering.<br />Me: What are you trying to say?<br />Amy: Well, you do get a lot of them wrong…
Interview with a Bunni
A few months ago, I was fortunate enough to write a few columns about <a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/columns/nathan/8-10-05.htm">strip clubs</a>—by far and away, my favorite subject—for Court Sullivan and Company. One of the comments left for me was from a woman named Bunni who claimed to be an exotic dancer. Later, after exchanging a few emails, Bunni informed me that, in addition to being a stripper, she is also a published author, teacher, and graduate student.<br /><br />Well, I think you know what I thought. I thought, “Bullshit.”<br /><br />You see, I’ve known many strippers in my life, and only one of them was even slightly like Bunni. Strippers, for the most part, well, they have problems. I’ll spare you the details, but trust me when I type that strippers are usually not teachers, usually not working on masters degrees, and usually not publishing academic books. Bunni, on the other limb, well, she’s different.<br /><br />So, because I think that many of my readers would love to know a little bit more about what makes Bunni tick, and because she was polite enough to submit her picture, I have decided to interview her here on The Nate Way. I have questions and she, hopefully, has answers.<br /><br />Here we go.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: What do you love the most about living in New York?</strong><br />BUN: Probably the people. They're mostly all rude assholes who are more than likely drunk/stoned 90% of the time and they'd rather run you over while you're changing a tire than help you out (to the guy in the Hummer last week: if you're reading this, fuck you. And you know owning a Hummer in Manhattan means you're over compensating for something, right?), but, all in all, it's a great city for people-watching and random conversations with bums.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: What did you hate the most about the man who provided you with the best sex of your life?<br /></strong>BUN: The best sex of my life was not with a man, but if I had to go with the best man, then I hated the fact that he had a special ring for his mother; and if she'd call while we were mid-coitus, he'd stop to pick up the phone. But it was really good sex so I didn't want to leave him too quickly.<br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bunni-780029.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bunni-776857.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><strong>NDG: What’s your least favorite moment as an exotic dancer?</strong><br />There are two. First: when my father found out that I was dancing. And second: the time a guy blew his load while I was giving him a lap dance. I swear I was in the shower for three hours trying to feel clean again.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: What was your favorite moment as an exotic dancer?</strong><br />BUN: Every time there's a bachelor party in the club. They're always fun and they tip big.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: I understand you to be religious. How has your religion affected the way you see this current generation of malcontents?</strong><br />BUN: Holy fuck, that’s a hard one. Why didn't you tell me I was going to have to think tonight? A lot of the problem is that people are quick to give up their faith and belief in God. And those who are fanatical about their religions twist the teachings to use religion as a reason to hurt people who they believe harm them. There are two extreme points of view, and they clash too much to get along. So I'd say mostly I feel sorry for all of them because they're missing something that is so good, no matter what religion they are.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: When are you coming to Tampa, Florida?</strong><br />BUN: Anytime you want me to, Sweets. Just say the word.<br /><br /><strong>NDG: And finally, if I let you write the ending of this piece, what would you write?</strong><br />BUN: I have no idea. I'll just give you my favorite expression. When life gives you lemons, ask for tequila and salt.
Toothbrush
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/athena-757399.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/athena-754628.jpg" border="0" /></a>There’s this girl I’m currently dating (I don’t want to call her my girlfriend, but it really doesn’t matter what I call her because she keeps a toothbrush and contact solution at my place so I’m screwed regardless). Anyway, it has been a long time since a girl meant anything more to me than a few nights of sex. So, I’m really enjoying this chick. And because there’s nothing more romantic than lists, here are the top ten reasons why.<br /><br />10. She calls my post-coital ramblings, “Bed Time Stories.”<br /><br />9. She’s disappointed if we don’t have sex three times a day.<br /><br />8. If horny enough, she will force herself on me and ride me roughly while I try to watch my new television.<br /><br />7. She has no problem with my drinking. In fact, she claims that when my buzz kicks in, I gain a sexy look that drives her wild.<br /><br />6. We have intelligent conversations that hardly ever border on the irrational or the emotional.<br /><br />5. She can beg for sex with her eyes.<br /><br />4. She’s great in bed.<br /><br />3. She finds my indifference to the world to be refreshing.<br /><br />2. She told me that if my hair ever turns brown (I am blond) then she will dye it back to blond while I sleep.<br /><br />1. On more than five occasions, she has come by my house with a twelve pack of Heineken and no underwear.<br /><br />So there you go. I know many of my readers may be uncomfortable with the idea of me having a girlfriend. So, I want you to know that I will not be pulling punches, writing sappy love columns or changing in any way. That’s another great thing about her. She likes me just the way I am. As she said to me the other night: “You’re an insensitive asshole, but you’re like, the good kind.”<br /><br />I have no idea what that means.<br /><br />But I liked it.
Observations on a Football Sunday
I should really be outside now. It’s, eighty degrees, beautiful and sunny and I’m in here tapping away at my keyboard like a kid with no life.<br /><br />On football Sundays, I don’t shower until right before game time. In this way, I end up actually tricking myself into believing that watching football is actively doing something. I mean, after all, I showered for this, right?<br /><br />I just got a big screen TV and TIVO. I’m like a teenager with a new drug (or a kid with a new toy, take your pick). I mean seriously, this is awesome.<br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/osama-750375.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/osama-747555.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Would it kill Osama Bin Laden to throw at least one joke into his recorded messages? I mean, really? One measly joke? How about something like, “I will destroy America like Terrell Owens destroyed the Eagles” or “Seriously, you call that a president? My turban has more intelligence”? Are extremists not allowed to have senses of humor? Is it in the bylaws?<br /><br />Right now, I don’t think there’s one person in America thinking, “Wow, being a miner would be a great career decision.”<br /><br />Ron Jaworski needs to grow a beard. His face would look like a fuzzy peach escaping a jowly neck. And I don’t think too much stuff could look funnier than that.<br /><br />Here’s a little known fact about me: I can only snap with my left hand. And I’m right handed. Weird, huh?<br /><br />I’m only gonna say this once. Manhattan, quit fucking around with the transit employees. This is not a joke. It’s winter. Give them what they want and the entire city won’t be shut down. I mean, seriously… FEMA could have handled this better.<br /><br />I don’t think anyone will ever convince me that Mischa Barton has a nice body. But then again, I like women with breasts.<br /><a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/mischa-798382.jpg"><img style="float:right;cursor:hand;margin:0 0 10px 10px;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/mischa-793076.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />I really feel for the women of America. According to a friend of mine, there’s a shortage of men with spines. Let me just say, on behalf of the few bacon-chomping, football-watching, uncaring, unfeeling, insensitive assholes who still pay on dates, refuse to grow up and are just generally aloof, I’m sorry for what has happened to my gender. Oh, and also, I never thought that being a typical male would ever make me atypical. I guess everything does come full circle. Hakuna Matata and all that.<br /><br />If you get the chance, make love in the morning under an open window while children and their parents gather at a bus stop less than forty feet from you. Just trust me on this one. It’s fun.<br /><br />Does anyone really like Stephen A. Smith? I haven’t met one person, black, white or indifferent, that likes his show. And yet I hear it’s a hit. Go figure.<br /><br />Three things that people ask me way too much: 1) You didn’t just have sex all over these couches, did you? 2) Are you gonna eat that? and 3) Why don’t you shut the hell up? I’m tired of all this judging. You people need to look in the mirror, first. And yes, I am gonna eat that. So stop looking at my plate.<br /><br />I just finished watching a DVD of Busch Stadium’s most memorable moments. And I felt a tear welling up in my eye while near the end of the program. When I told this to my friend Amy, she responded, “So, do all your emotions revolve around baseball?” in a less than enamored tone. Women. (And what more can you say?)<br /><br />Here’s a little known fact about me: I have never lost a thumb war. Ever.<br /><br />And finally, because this is one of those entries where I avoid logic and fluidity like I avoid light beer, I leave you with the following, which was said to me Sunday morning:<br /><br />“So let me get this straight. In your family, you’re the artistic, flaky one? Wow.”
Picking Them Championship Games
PIC legend and actual sports journalist, Justin Rebello has joined me in picking them games during the post season.
Beating the Snippets to Death
<a href="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bbaaat-751146.jpg"><img style="float:left;cursor:hand;margin:0 10px 10px 0;" alt="" src="https://www.pointsincase.com/nathan/uploaded_images/bbaaat-745591.jpg" border="0" /></a>Jessica: So like, I’m taking this swimming class at school, and I just found out that the water is like, really chlorinated and that’s really bad for your hair. So, yeah, I think I’m just gonna drop it.<br />Amy: Or you could buy a swim cap.<br />Jessica: Does that really work?<br />Amy: Stranger things have happened.<br /><br />Chase: So, is that your girlfriend?<br />Me: Well, uh, it’s like, I guess that’s the girl I’m—<br />Chase: Yeah, my bad, dude. I hate labeling stuff, too.<br /><br />Horton: So how’d you do?<br />Me: Lost a hundred bucks.<br />Horton: Wow. How much you down for the year?<br />Me: I’m up about two seventy. I had a good week seventeen.<br />Horton: I’m down eight grand from last year.<br />Me: Jesus man, that’s a fucking car. Does Sheila know?<br />Horton: No. She thinks I make about ten grand less a year than I do. It’s what keeps her working and not thinking about kids.<br />Me: I don’t know how you can be dumb enough to lose eight grand and smart enough to think like that.<br />Horton: Call it the luck of the Irish.<br />Me: You ain’t Irish.<br />Horton: I ain’t lucky, either.<br /><br />Adam: Dude, she’s a good girl for you. She’s articulate.<br />Me: Yeah, like that matters.<br />Adam: It does to you.<br />Me: What are you, my shrink?<br />Adam: Man, I hope not.<br /><br />Mike: Where’d you get that CD?<br />Me: A girl mailed it to me from San Francisco.<br />Mike: Like, a random girl.<br />Me: She likes my writing. I like hers. We talked a little. She sent me a book once, too. She’s a great girl.<br />Mike: How the hell would you know? She’s all cyber and postage.<br />Me: I’m gonna let that sentence hang there for a minute.<br /><br />Chase: You two are good together. Not many people can keep you on your toes.<br />Me: What are you saying?<br />Chase: I don’t know. You just like, you bore easily. And you like confrontation. And she’s not afraid to call you on your shit, and she keeps things interesting.<br />Me: When the fuck, exactly, did life turn into an Oprah episode?<br />Chase: Around the time guys started frosting their hair, I guess.<br /><br />Me: Hey man, if she’s anything like she appears through cyber and postage, then she’s a hell of a person.<br />Mike: And if you were anything like you appeared at work, you’d be a hell of a person.<br />Me: Why you such a dick?<br />Mike: Just calling ‘em like I see ‘em, brother.<br />Me: Yeah, well who asked you?<br />Mike: That’s the beauty of me. I just offer these things. Seriously, you don’t have to ask. I go the extra mile.<br />Me: Yeah, to be a dick.<br /><br />Amy: So, Jessica keeps calling you my boyfriend.<br />Me: Yeah, you’ll start doing it soon enough, I’m sure.<br />Amy: No. Not unless you want me to.<br />Me: Don’t look at me like that.<br /><br />Chase: You gotta be a pretty brutal motherfucker to kill some random homeless guy with a baseball bat.<br />Me: Yeah, you won’t get many arguments against that one.<br />Chase: You know why? ‘Cause it’s true. Some things are just true.<br />Me: True.<br />Chase: See. There goes another one.
Nate Has a Dream, Too
What Martin Luther King, Jr. has given us (a day off) is now being threatened by stingy employers. And so begins the Second Crusade.