Chipotle’s new robot “Autocado” cuts guacamole production time in half. And their even newer robot “E-Lemon-ador” will gun you down if you put lemonade in your water cup.

— Jared Flood

“No, I’m not saying I want to sell feet pics. I’m saying I’d like an appraisal.”

— Jared Flood

Recently became familiar with the concept of a yawn. For years I feared sleepy people were trying to eat me.

— Jared Flood

Unguided Meditation Narrator: Uh, okay now open your eyes because we’re lost.

— Jared Flood

Soldier 1: The rockets red glare looked cool. But I messed up the bombs and they just started bursting in air.
Soldier 2: Don’t worry about it. Doubt anyone noticed.

— Jared Flood

Imagine my surprise discovering “Sex Ed” was just the name of a class and not the name of the coolest guy in high school.

— Jared Flood

*Me after a breakup in 4th grade*
“Is it better to have like-liked and lost? Or to have never like-liked at all?”

— Jared Flood

The Little Engine That Could, Thought it Couldn’t, Got Inspired, Second Guessed Itself, Tried a Little, Then Got on Instagram and Forgot All About It

— Jared Flood

“This isn’t my first rodeo!” I said, pronouncing “rodeo” like “Rodeo Drive,” signaling that it was, in fact, my first rodeo.

— Jared Flood