I’m officially moving all of my hours from Daylight Savings to Daylight Checking and spending time like there’s no tomorrow.

— Court Sullivan

“If I EVER find sufficient evidence that your phone call could have been an email, you WILL be required to dig up and re-bury one body using ONLY your hands. Capiche?”
-A voicemail from your new Mafia Boss

— Court Sullivan

The death penalty should be reserved only for microwaves that continue beeping even after you open the door when your food is ready.

— Court Sullivan

In college my roommate drove around in the rain without turning on his windshield wipers because he thought it was important not to become dependent on them. Interestingly, he’s now married to his imaginary girlfriend.

— Court Sullivan

Whenever an obnoxiously loud car revs its engine all I hear is, “VROOM VROOOOM TO GROW AS A PERSON!”

— Court Sullivan

New erotic bread flavors at your local artisan bakery:
– Sourdough foreplay
– Multiple-orgasm-grain
– Heavily nutted and wetted
– Random big holes for his pleasure
– Not-that-interesting-but-honest-about-it for her pleasure
– Cake

— Court Sullivan

When I was a kid my grandma’s idea of road safety was hugging me tighter in the backseat. Now my grandma complains that a mask hugs her face too tightly, and that’s called carma.

— Court Sullivan

The closest I’ve ever come to participating in an orgy is taking a Zoom call naked.

— Court Sullivan

Ever notice how many dinosaur names sound alike? Who came up with all of them anyway, Thesaurus?

— Court Sullivan

Ideas for improving the Kindle: add the ability to play music, watch movies, lose the whole “reading” thing.

— Court Sullivan

What if Home Alone was just Kevin safeguarding himself against a virus he believed eliminated his family?

— Court Sullivan