Archive: 2005

Snippets for the Pimpettes

Russ: I was watching Live 8 and I realized that John Norris is still alive.<br />Me: Who?<br />Russ: I weep for America’s youth.<br /><br />Me: I’m sorry, but that was funny.<br />Lou: Nate, that wasn’t funny man. Those people could have been seriously injured.<br />Adam: That’s what was so funny.<br /><br />Adam: Jimi Hendrix is overrated. He’s not that great a guitarist.<br />Lou: All right. That’s just stupid. <br />Me: Seriously, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard and I own every Dead Milkmen album ever produced. <br /><br />Me: How come everyone else gets a nickname? I want a nickname.<br />Peek: No, man. You can’t have one. You’re just ‘Nate.’ It fits you.<br />Me: It’s my name.<br />Peek: So you’re lucky; you get the two in one.<br />Me: I think you’re just too lazy to think up a nickname for me.<br />Peek: Maybe that’s part of it, Nate. Maybe.<br /><br />Me: So, the hospital wants to charge me like, eighty bucks to take my stitches out.<br />Russ: No, I won’t take your stitches out.<br />Me: No man, my buddy’s a fireman. He’s on it. Why would I ask you?<br />Russ: I don’t know. I could just tell that your statement was not gonna be followed by, ‘and I decided to pay up’ so I covered my ass.<br />Me: Smart thinking.<br /><br />Ryan: Now, I don’t want you to be weirded out by us two total strangers. Your sister said it was okay to hang with us, so you’re not scared, right?<br />Ashley: If she says you’re cool, I’m sure that you’re cool. She wouldn’t let me hang with people she doesn’t trust.<br />Me: Besides, your sister serves us drinks every day. If something happened to you and it was our fault, where would we drink? We need her so we have a need to treat you right.<br />Ryan: So, we’re not gonna use the GHB and tazer this time?<br />Me: There’s always tomorrow.<br />Ashley: All right, now I’m scared.<br /><br />Me: How come no one believes how I hurt my hand?<br />Ashley: What, is it like some crazy story or something?<br />Ryan: No, that’s just it. It’s a boring, plain story. And that’s just not believable when it’s Nate. Like, remember the time you had your ribs cracked f---ing that chick from Boston? Or the time you scarred your hands f---ing that skinny broad? Or when that crazy bitch gave you a black eye for cheating on her?<br />Me: Okay, chances with Ashley are now zero.<br />Ashley: I don’t know about that. I think if anything, your odds just got better.<br />Me: Wow, so like what kind of chick are you?<br />Ashley: The kind that loves hurting men.<br />Ryan: Oh, those are his favorite. <br />Me: F--- you.<br /><br />Me: Ryan, you do realize that you’re ridiculously drunk and making no sense.<br />Ryan: I do.<br />Me: Okay, as long as we’re all on the same page here.<br /><br />Ashley: What are you doing up so early?<br />Me: I have to go to work.<br />Ashley: You don’t have any tattoos, you don’t own a gun and you made me breakfast. You’re on hell of a guy for a one nighter.<br />Me: It’s easy to be nice when you know you’ll never see the other person again.<br />Ashley: F--- off.

Stitches and Fireworks

Today, a paramedic at a local fire station removed my stitches for free. He used a scalpel, a little clamp, some numbing medicine and gauze. He did it in nine minutes (including the drive). The hospital wanted $80 and they would have made me wait. The lesson here: firemen are the only people on planet earth who wear a uniform and are not, to some degree or another, hated. No one ever runs around saying things like, “Damn firemen, always running around and saving all those lives. Bastards.” <br /><br />Have you ever seen a family of six run, duck and cover because a misguided firework is shooting fire-coated projectiles at them? I have. And it’s every bit as funny as it sounds (chill out—no one was hurt).<br /><br />Give four full-grown men $100 worth of fireworks and watch them quickly turn into four young boys. I swear, on the Fourth, I was very close to trading in my beer for a soda-pop.<br /><br />The guy at the pizza shop next door just saw the bandage around my hand and made the obligatory masturbation joke. Just a few more days of gauze, God. Please, provide me with the strength to refrain from murdering these unoriginal people. On second thought…<br /><br />Oh yeah, gauze related humor. Every time I mentioned that I had to buy gauze I would hear, “shut your gauze damn mouth” or something to that degree. Thought you’d want to know. <br /><br />Fourth of July wrap up: Barbecues… check. Hanging with old friends… check. Heavy drinking… check. Fireworks on the beach… check. Accidental attempted murder of a family of tourists… check. Damn, I forgot to do laundry.

Airport Blues

<div style="clear:both;"></div><em>Note: this was supposed to be posted on Tuesday July 5th. Stupid airport pay wireless.</em><br /><br />I’m on my way home from…home. After a long weekend in the city that will always in someway be home, East Lansing, I’m sitting in the Detroit Northwest terminal waiting for my connection to St. Louis, my new home for the next year.<br />

The Fourth

In honor of the Fourth of July—the only holiday that allows and encourages all American citizens over the age of five to blow stuff up—I have decided to make a list of my all-time favorite Fourth of July moments. With topics this unique, it’s a wonder I’m not writing for SNL. <br /><br />#10: The Fourth of July that Ben talked us into positioning ourselves so we could see the Tampa, St. Petersburg and Clearwater firework shows all from (roughly) the same area. Highlights of this moment include a complete lack of beer tents or beer services (“what, you mean we have to stay sober? Aww, man”), Ben and his girl averaging one fight per twelve minutes, and running from the street to the parking garage to catch the tail end of the Clearwater show, only so we could hustle to another side and catch the St. Petersburg show. In retrospect, it’s a good thing we weren’t drinking. Someone might have cracked their skull.<br /><br />#9: The Fourth of July that Kevin and I went to a Legion baseball tournament. We weren’t there ten minutes before a third basemen had his nose broken by a line drive. Kevin, who wrestled in high school, said the following (with the parents of said third basemen within ear shot): “Dude, in wrestling, if that happens to you, they tape you up and put you back on the mat. I dislocated my collarbone and they had me back on that mat in three minutes. How long until they get this p----y off the f---ing playing field. Ch---t, it’s just a nose. This sport is dog sh--” (self-editing can be tough with friends like Kevin). Three or four fans threatened Kevin with bodily harm, but he was never actually (read: even slightly) intimidated. <br /><br />#8: The three Fourth of Julies (all right then, you pluralize July) I caught a Cardinal game and the St. Louis Fair (formerly V.P. Fair). Highlights include my friend Tyler losing our beer, my friend Chip finding our beer, the Blue Angels, the best Gyro I ever had, the worst Gyro ever had, and some dumbass vendor serving me a beer at the ripe young age of fourteen. Go vendors! Oh yeah, and I saw Styx, Huey Lewis and the News, and Diana Ross for free. And sadly, those are the best three acts I’ve ever seen at Fair St. Louis.<br /><br />#7: The four fourths I’ve lead my team to victories in Bottle Rocket Wars. Just so you know: the Roman Candle Shooters go up front during any army to army confrontation, PVC is the plastic of choice for bottle rocket guns, M-80s are to be used only if trying to flush out an enemy, and taking prisoners is allowable but torture is not. Gotta have rules, people. <br /><br />#6: The time my family caught the yard on fire during a drought, spent an hour putting it out, then proceeded to have a water fight. That one will be remembered for a long time in my family lore (I think I was eight and I still remember it vividly).<br /><br />#5: The Fourth of July after high school graduation, when I got drunk at a barbecue, broke in to a friends car, fell asleep, and scared the living crap out of her when she left to drive home the next morning. She reminds me of this every summer. And yes, every Fourth of July I buy her a drink.<br /><br />#4: The time my Dad handed me a lighter and said, “It’s okay, I trust you.” (He did this because, even though I was six, it was raining hard that day and he knew I couldn’t set fire to too much of his property. Still, I felt like a big shot.)<br /><br />#3: The time I made love on the center field grass of a little league baseball field while the local township firework show exploded above us. I was fifteen and all I had was an old blanket and half a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Hill. How times have changed (nowadays, I have a new blanket and can afford as much Boone’s as any girl can drink). <br /><br />#2: That time on the roof of my friend Chris’s car, when the firework show looked extra pretty (wink).<br /><br />#1: The Fourth of July I spent in Europe. This was really cool because I had completely forgotten about the holiday because I had been there about two months by then and was getting used to foreign stuff everywhere. I was staying with my girlfriend at the time (she was German). I came home from an afternoon of drinking in the local pubs (while she was at work—hey, the law said I couldn’t work there) to discover her wrapped in nothing but an old American flag. In addition, she had McDonalds hamburgers and sparkling fireworks on the patio table. As a gift for me that night, she presented me with the flag, the body underneath the flag, some bottle rockets (fireworks are hard to come by there) and the sentence, “You can use them wherever you like, just make sure I am nowhere near you.” Believe me when I say, European stuff blows up just as easily as our stuff. I’m tearing up just thinking about this. <br /><br />Happy Fourth of July

How to Spell

<div style="clear:both;"></div>Just so everyone knows: Nate DeGraaf spells his name:<br /><br />NAAAAITE DEEE GRAAAAAPHHH<br /><br />This is much funnier if you knew how long it took me to typle this.<br />Yes that was intentionsal.<br />damn,<div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div>

You Snippetty Putz

Luke: I could have gotten a job saving lives.<br />Me: Why didn’t you?<br />Luke: I hate people.<br /><br />Me: You know, I have never used the police for anything. I think I should get a refund on my taxes. The cops have never been a benefit to me. <br />Mike: Yes they have. You just don’t know it.<br />Me: You mean like when they catch a criminal who could have killed me or something?<br />Mike: No, I mean like when they don’t arrest you for doing the stupid shit you do.<br />Me: Wow. I guess if you look at it like that—<br />Mike: You owe them money. <br />Me: Dang, I’m joining the Benevolence Society.<br /><br />Me: These are the best chicken wings in Tampa. How come I never knew about this before?<br />Mike: Because they smoke ‘em. So they run out. And after they run out, it takes two hours to smoke another batch. So no one ever tells anyone about them because they don’t ever want them to run out early. You hear me?<br />Me: Relax Gigantor, I won’t tell a soul.<br />Mike: Nathan, I’m trusting you with something very important to me. Misappropriation of this knowledge could lead to bodily injury and possibly death. <br />Me: I didn’t know you had such a serious side.<br />Mike: Nathan, women come and go, so I don’t take them seriously. Same with jobs, friends and just about everything else. But the best chicken wings in Tampa? You think I’m gonna mess with that?<br />Me: Obviously not. <br />Mike: You’re damn right, obviously not. Now promise me you’ll lock your mouth and throw away the key.<br />Me: What are we, seven?<br />Mike: Lock your mouth, Nathan!<br /><br />Me: I think I may be drunk.<br />Peek: Well yeah.<br />Jeff: Usually sober people don’t throw up on my patio.<br /><br />Me: I love pelicans.<br />Peek: Do the poem.<br />Me: I’ve done it like 20 times. Don’t you have it memorized by now?<br />Peek. No. Do the poem.<br />Me: Okay, fine. ‘A marvelous bird is the pelican/His beak holds more than his belly can/ He can stash enough in that beak/ to eat for a week/I’ll be damned if I know how the hell he can.’<br />Rachel: Did you write that?<br />Me: No, it’s from an old episode of Columbo.<br />Peek: As opposed to all those new episodes of Columbo?<br /><br />Me: So, after a long night of drinking heavily, your girlfriend wakes up, staggers to work on three hours sleep, and commences assembling missile guidance systems.<br />Peek: Pretty much.<br />Me: Well, I feel less safe already.<br /><br />Doug: That guy gives nudists a bad name.<br /><br />Me: I’m thinking about becoming a male prostitute.<br />Lauren: I don’t think your eyes are sexy enough.<br />Me: My eyes? You think my eyes are holding me back? You think I’m one pair of colored contacts from total whoredom? I’m there.<br />Lauren: You might wanna get back in the gym, too.<br />Me: Okay, scratch that one.<br /><br />Greg: So, how do you write all those snippets? I never see you with paper or a tape recorder.<br />Me: I just wake up and try to remember all the things that made me laugh from the previous day.<br />Greg: So, do you think you get any of them wrong?<br />Me: Oh yeah. But none of the people in the snippets ever read the snippets, and it’s not like they’d remember verbatim anyway.<br />Greg: So you might as well be making them up.<br />Me: I guess.<br />Greg: Dude, could you make me sound like, really smart?<br />Me: I doubt it. <br /><br />Sheila: It’s like a hundred degrees and I haven’t had to put my sunglasses on in three days ‘cause of all the storms. I hate Florida summers.<br />Me: You work nights.<br />Sheila: Shut up.

Where the Hell is Beech?

<p>My good buddy, Nate DeGraaaf wanted to know why I haven't been posting on my blog. I told him I was busy. but the truth is that I've just been being a whiny little bitch.<br />

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