When I first heard about the KFC Double Down I thought it was a joke. A friend of mine showed me a description of it online and it looked like an obese shut-in's wet dream. I thought it was just a funny internet thing because there's no way, in today's weight conscious world, where every other story on the news is a piece about obesity that shows random, fat asses walking down the street, that a "restaurant" would have the audacity to market a sandwich with fried chicken as the bread. I laughed at it, then went about my day. Read More »

As obesity becomes more of an epidemic in America, people are trying harder and harder to lose weight and get in shape. There have been hundreds of fad diets over the last few years. None of them work. And some of them are just plain stupid. Read More »

It was a harrowing summer of '09 for all of us. Celebrities were dropping like flies. First Michael Jackson died unexpectedly and a nation mourned. We, as a people, cried. We laughed. We forgot about all the little boy penises he touched. His music was played night and day. Read More »

Hey, buddy, it's me, your liver. I need to talk to you about last night.

What the hell were you thinking? 20 shots of whiskey? That would kill a normal man. But luckily you're not a normal man. You're an idiot. But it's okay. You were chasing the shots with Red Bull and vodka. So not only were you hammered off your ass, you were really energetic. That definitely came in handy when you had to run away from that homeless man you pissed on. Moron. Read More »

Ahh Halloween. I love it so much. The only night of the year where girls can go out in the outfits usually reserved only for the bedroom. Outfits that if parents even knew they owned would cause mothers everywhere to sob uncontrollably and fathers' heads to explode and rain down upon the ground in a flurry of rage and where-did-I-go-wrong shock. Read More »

"I want to get some goddamn sausage on the fucking pizza!"

How often has this happened to you? You've got some friends over, maybe for a football game or a party that you secretly hope will turn into an orgy. Everyone's hungry and someone says, "You guys want to get a pizza?" Hell yeah. Great idea. Who doesn't love pizza? Read More »

The year was 1994. I was 12 years old. It was a summer I'd never forget and an event from which I would never recover. I got the call in August. After auditioning a couple months before, I'd almost forgotten about the show. But they called and said I'd made it. I'd be taping my episode in September. Read More »