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School:
Sonoma State UniversityHometown:
Napa, CAAt a Glance:
Allison Parks attended Sonoma State University, where she barely graduated, only by fellating professors and janitorial staff.Bio:
Alli is currently unemployed, living in a dirt-floor shed behind her church, and able to pass for human as long as she shaves her face two times a day."The Strumpet's Trumpet" column archives (2006-2008)
- Column Posts
- Comments
eDisharmony: Does Online Dating Really Sound So Bad?
By Allison Parks February 23, 2009Let's say your gloomy, friendless ass isn't satisfied snuggling up to your hamster and watching Nights in Rodanthe on a weekend night, and instead of doing something fun like going to see My Bloody Valentine 3D (limbs fly at you!) you feel the need to plunge into the dating pool. Read More »
A Singleton's Guide to Valentine's Day
By Allison Parks January 28, 2009Another Valentine's Day is approaching and you find yourself alone. Frankly I'm not surprised. You are pretty un-datable. That brown tooth, that argile crop top, the way your hair comes to a point, it all screams: don't date me! So now the three dollar question is: how will you spend the sacred day of romantic love? Drunk, purple, dead on a toilet seat? Crying into a plate of ribs? Read More »
The Colletti Clingers: Men Unable to Be Single
By Allison Parks January 11, 2009In the dating landscape there exists an anxious, needy being who desperately roams among us. And I'm not talking about clams. This creature is called the Colletti Clinger. Named after Stephen Colletti from MTV's reality soap about fartface teens, Laguna Beach, the Colletti Clinger is a male who cannot be single, not even for a day. Notice how Stephen Colletti nervously clings t Read More »
Dining with White Trash Snobs
By Allison Parks December 13, 2008With the holidays upon us, chances are you have friends and relatives visiting with whom you'll be going out to dinner. These aren't the people you generally dine with, so there could be a White Trash Snob infiltrating the group. Read More »
How to Conduct a Séance
By Allison Parks September 28, 2008A séance is a chilling ceremony where a group of drunk, giggling asshats attempt to contact spirits by performing a set of unholy rituals. I have conducted a few séances myself, none of which were successful, but I will guide you through the process as I have learned it from SoYouWanna.com. This fantastic website teaches you how to do just about anything! Read More »
The Five Stages of DUI Grief
By Allison Parks September 2, 2008One of the most brutal donkey punches to a person's life, alongside such tragedies like birthing a retarded baby, gangrene, and bankruptcy, is the dreadful DUI. It's so tragic that they should make sympathy greeting cards for it. Read More »
Celebrity Sex Tape Review
By Allison Parks August 3, 2008When can uber-hobbit Vern Troyer be lumped into a category with luminescent stars like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Colin Farrell and even Marilyn Monroe? Read More »
Hollywood's Creepiest Fathers
By Allison Parks June 29, 2008Today's hottest accessory isn't an African baby, a DJ lesbian lover, or even a giant ass. If you want to roll with the in crowd, then you need to grab a hold of summer's most fashionable item: a creepy father!! Read More »
Prank Calling for Dummies
By Allison Parks May 29, 2008The following is my standard prank call that I use every Saturday night, home, alone, lonely. It works best when you have a good friend of the prank-calling victim with you to acquire personal details...and if you're a woman. Try it yourself, it's a hoot! Read More »
Brangelina's Wedding Day Story!
By Allison Parks May 5, 2008If you have no life like me, then chances are you spend every second of every day wondering: When will Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie get married? Well, now you don't have to! I have imagined the potential story of their wedding day, and it's all right here for your enjoyment! Read on! Read More »
- Oh Omar, you always have the - April 10th, 2009
- I hate white people and I - December 16th, 2008
- I almost named my column, - August 8th, 2008
- I don't know how I forgot - August 6th, 2008
- Teach me your ways - July 14th, 2008
- I will not go easy on Billy! - June 29th, 2008







