I don't really watch porn to get off anymore. Actually, I'm kidding, because what's porn good for besides beating it and giving trailer trash women everywhere another career choice besides becoming a stripper? Read More »

I was always under the assumption that you can't be an alcoholic if you're still in college. Even my dad said told me this. Read More »

A lot of times I think it would be easier to make jokes if I was some kind of minority. But as a white person, I feel like my source material is limited. Read More »

  Have you ever walked into a situation knowing you were going to fail, and then failed even harder that you thought? Read More »

Hey everyone, I am going to be at the All Good Music Festival from July 9th through the 12th in Masontown, West Virginia. If anyone else is going, look for me, I'll be the one staring into the woods like he is about to get attacked by animals. Or you can just scream my name really loud at several different points and if I am around I will respond "What!?" really loudly. Read More »

Sorry for the lack of updates, but a combination of rapid fire 21st birthdays, my birthday, which was celebrated on four different days for some reason, white water rafting in West Virginia, a full time job and being on painkillers from injuries has left me with little time to write updates. But I'm trying. Read More »

    A long time ago I heard a comedian make a joke that everyone is immortal until they die and are proven wrong, because you never know, you could be immortal. I've lived by that philosophy for the longest time and I've just pretended that I will never die, that I am in fact immortal.  
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Every time I meet that tattooed girl who steals my heart and causes all the blood in my body to rush to my penis, I know I won't be hooking up with her, because I'm too mainstream apparently. This breaks my heart and kills my erection.
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I never really noticed this before, but if there is a cute girl working out somewhere near me when I am in the gym, I turn into Fergie and focus on workin' on my fitness. Luckily I stopped pissing my pants in public, and hopefully Fergie will also get that under control. Read More »

The other night I had a dream Court Sullivan called me on the phone and told me I was a faggot for not updating my blog often enough. Two days after this dream I started thinking Court did call me, and started wondering what Court had against gay bloggers. Not that I'm gay or anything,  just uh... fuck.
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I found this website the other day and I figured I would share it with you. Read More »

"You know, I overheard you talking to that guy in the collar shirt the other day, and you told him that you can't always just jam it in there and hammer away, that you need to treat it like you love it and only get rough if it gets rough with you, that it was the only way you could get it to connect. Read More »

Sorry everyone, but I've been really busy trying to get shit together. So I'll leave you with some advice that makes my life easier. Read More »

When walking through the isles of Target, it dawned on me that the entire store is set up like roads. You have your main roads where random shit is displayed, but you have all these little suburbs that lead off the main street where everything else is sold. Read More »

Have you ever had to do the simplest, most mind numbing task for a long period of time? Read More »

Schuyler Colfax: Mr. President. Mr. President? You're passed out. Ulysses S. Grant!

Ulysses S. Grant: Bah... Schule, get ready to siege Vicksburg. The South is done.

Schuyler Colfax: The war is over. You're the president now, remember? Where did you get that whiskey? And what about the 8 weeks in rehab? Did you learn nothing? Read More »

Does your life suck as bad as mine used to? Are you a tool that no one would dare be seen with? Do you show up at parties and stand there talking to no one because you're a creeper? Well, I have a solution for you. You need to stop living in the past and add some style to your life. Some Limp Bizkit style. Read More »

Salvia is my new bitch lover. You smoke it like weed, but it's legal. Unlike weed though, one hit of Salvia doesn't make you giggle like a 12-year-old girl while watching Parental Control (which I have mass experience doing,) it lets you know that you are a fragile being, and that it's about to fuck you harder than most prison inmates would. Read More »

I think hookers are a fascinating subject. While I never have personally paid for sex, besides the alcohol and hotel room beforehand, I have talked to people who have had sex with these modern day entrepreneurs. Read More »

John Adams: Mr. President, we got word that a stage coach was captured by terrorists on its way to New York, 5 days ago.

George Washington: 5 days ago? Why would I care about something that happened 5 days ago? Read More »

A year or two ago I had the illustrious job of being a cashier at a movie chain that has now declared bankruptcy and closed down. There were several incidents leading up to my resignation, and this is one of those stories. Read More »

All my friends have left, and I am alone in a crowd with 20,000 other people. I could care less though. I've been waiting two hours for this, and I'm not about to leave what promises to be the greatest failure I have ever seen. Read More »

I can be a douchebag sometimes. I will be the first to admit it. I get drunk or drugged out, and make bad decisions. You might say, "But John, doesn't every college kid do this?" The answer is yes, they do. But the difference between them and me is a fit in this rare category where you don't experience regret. Read More »