College Quotes
Rob: I thought everyone was going to the Dog's Bullocks?
Kyle: Well, no one's leaving yet.
Rob: Guess we'll have to pull the fire alarm to get everyone out. Why do we have to be the responsible ones all the time?
-On sparking a movement
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School: University of Chicago
Class of: 2005
Hometown: Prescott, Az
At a Glance:
Omar Kitrich was born in Palo Alto, Ca in 1982. He was educated at The Menlo School and The University of Chicago, where he studied philosophy. He comments primarily on "the exasperatingly recursive nature of all human endeavors". Mr. Kitrich resides in Chicago.Bio:
Mr Bartel studied philosophy, specializing in Ancient Greek. He enjoys baseball, chess, history and tanning. He counts his primary literary influences as Christopher Pike, Kool Keith, Eazy-E, the 9-11 Commission Report, and Jim Jones before he started the cult.Blog:
A fascinating Socratic Method approach to comedy.
1991 Chicago Bulls are God's New Chosen People 0
, 4.3 
My Homework Assignment 4 Intelligent Design History Class 0
, 5.0 I Heard Some Things 0
, The Risk of Your Sandwich Being Made By a Disgusting Slob 0
, As a Liberal American, I am Attracted to Islamic Extremism 1
, 3.7 I Will Create the Perfect Men's Shaver 0
, 3.3 The Tears of a Harmless Dove 0
, I Was Taking a Schvitz 1
, 5.0 As Your God, I Have Some Explaining to Do 1
, 4.2 Renting This Two-Seated Bike was a Mistake 2
, 3.0 Sorry About the Genocide, But We Were Doing a Lot of Coke 1
, 3.9 I am Intimidated By Your Sag 2
, 3.8 As a Playboy Terrorist, It is Hard for Me to Complete Missions 3
, 2.7 Spread of the Africanized Honey Bee 3
, 4.8 Protocols of the Elders of Zion: Spring Issue 1
, 3.3 As an Attorney Who Specializes in Pro-Bono, I Would Be Happy to Fuck You 5
, 3.4 Lakers Draft 7-Foot, 90-Pound Somalian Guard 4
, 3.7 There Was No Mistaking My Taste 0
, 3.3 I'm a Better MC Than You 1
, 2.0 If My Girlfriend Finds Out I'm Not a Real Hipster, She'll Dump Me 8
, 3.1 If the Boss Finds Out About Comcast, No Suicide Mission 1
, 3.6 The Bitch Killers 4
, 2.8 Did We Have Cyber or Something? 0
, 3.8 The Tan 2
, 3.5 "911: Some Crew-Cutted, Beefed-Up, Ex-Marine Just Fired a Tazer Gun at Me!" 4
, My Dealer Credit is Bad 11
, 3.8 I'll See You in the Office 4
, 3.2 A Very Personal Message 6
, 3.0 Cancel My Subscription to "BoatWorks," Now That I am Tired of Looking Like an Asshole 4
, 3.8 I Just Read Some R.L. Stine, and I Can't Be Alone Tonight 4
, 3.2 International House Invites You to "Da Bomb" 9
, 3.5 Tonight, I Will Sex You 7
, 2.9 I'm On this Quest for Truth, or Some Shit 11
, 2.7 How Much You Bench? 14
, 3.0 Help Me, Rhonda 12
, 3.3 Tell the Teacher We're Surfing 6
, 2.3 Many Aquatic Animals Will Perform for Your Pleasure 23
, 2.3 I Would Have Killed Myself Already, Except I'm Too Good-Looking 13
, 2.7
Comedy Articles:
What I'm Looking Forward to About Becoming a Total Degenerate4 comments, 3.1 stars
I'll tell you what I'm looking forward to most about becoming a complete degenerate: exposing my children to my heinous lifestyle.
He Was Looking Smooth with the Jewelry12 comments, 3.2 stars
The State District Attorney questions a witness about a late-night transaction involving one totally blinged-out, smooth muthafucka.
You Have a Grass Pipe, Dude, Man?9 comments, 2.7 stars
Me and my Turkish friends smoke all the time. But when we come to America, we cannot do it. Please, we want very bad to smoke and play FIFA.
Green Dragon Pride10 comments, 3.5 stars
Attention Green Dragon soccer team members who had your penis and testicles touched by assistant coach Nick: look on the bright side!
Comments:
- The subject of sex does not need to flow down the worn channel of indignant c - Dec 15, 2011
- nice piece - Nov 15, 2011
- You are correct that I should familiarize myself more with Jobs. The amount - Nov 15, 2011
- funny, original, perceptive...you are a fine comedic writer in my opinion. t - Nov 15, 2011
- Your ire is misdirected. Jobs functioned the way one would expect of a CEO a - Nov 15, 2011
- bet! - Nov 15, 2011
- ...and yet you read it. - Nov 6, 2011
- I suggest you avoid Dave Chappell, Larry David, Ali G, Jon Stewart, Mitch Hed - Nov 6, 2011
- This is by far one of the funniest and sharpest pieces of satire I have read - Nov 6, 2011
- i agree with you that 'human centipede' is hilarious. of course, it is also - Nov 6, 2011
- Nietzsche was described by Freud as "the man who had achieved a greater level - Aug 11, 2011
- Reading this comment I feel like the mosquito at the nudist colony; I don't k - Feb 20, 2011
- I am sorry, but you are wrong. The difference is that the belief in a creato - Feb 20, 2011
- I regret that you include me with those you think "don't think black people a - Feb 20, 2011
- Casual indeed...this is by no means my most incisive piece of writing, but I - Feb 18, 2011
- well done. - Jan 29, 2011
- I must admit that your philosophy has some things going for it. Why write a - Jan 28, 2011
- thank you, my good man. - Jan 25, 2011
- As a defender of science and humanitarian progress, I feel obliged to provide - Jan 24, 2011
- Very funny. - Jan 24, 2011
- I think this piece is pretty funny. - Jan 21, 2011
- By way of explanation, much of the business about Africanized bees being stro - Jan 21, 2011
- Well, yeah, I guess you could say I get pussy, I mean, probably not as much a - Jan 18, 2011
- . - Apr 23, 2009
- Since you are a soldier, perhaps you are used to people avoiding political di - Apr 23, 2009
- How many drip lines per plant did you use? - Apr 23, 2009
- Even though London was spared physical occupation. the city suffered from Naz - Apr 23, 2009
- In fact, the Germans would have executed "Operation Seelowe" (Sealion), which - Apr 23, 2009
- "Established" in 1066? 1066 is the date of the Norman invasion, after which - Apr 23, 2009
- Judging by these comments, the only thing you "conform" to is the European st - Apr 23, 2009
- I am often left with the feeling that I could've better exploited a concept, - Apr 23, 2009
- This comment reminds me of the guys who used to call into the Howard Stern Sh - Apr 21, 2009
- Your concept of taking subscript and footnotes to a ridiculous extent is very - Apr 21, 2009
- Don't you agree that the van Gogh museum and Rijksmuseum are worth seeing, an - Apr 21, 2009
- There is nothing I would live better than to dust off my playboy skills with - Apr 11, 2009
- Since when did we become afraid to get our hands dirty by acknowledging un-PC - Apr 7, 2009
- Your style is very unpretentious, so I always enjoy your articles, and wish - Apr 7, 2009
- In that new picture, you look quite tan yourself. - Apr 7, 2009
- Wrestling is also fake in my case. - Apr 6, 2009
- Excellent piece. - Oct 7, 2008
- I liked this, but it is like writing a piece from the perspective of a porn f - Oct 4, 2008
- As they say in Russia, 'vodka brings truth'; your assessment is in my view en - Oct 3, 2008
- Perhaps we should institute a rating system, and assign this NC-17? Does any - Oct 3, 2008
- I doubt if it is because of the 'war' on drugs, but there seems to be somethi - Oct 3, 2008
- Yeah, thank god my roofies connect came through! Summer nights... - Oct 3, 2008
- Exactly. Looking back at this piece, it seems more an act of performance art - Oct 3, 2008
- What I meant to say is that you have written a lot of good ones, whereas I've - Sep 28, 2008
- Thales, earliest of Western philosophers, claimed that life and death were "i - Sep 27, 2008
- Duuuude - it seems like around 85% of people involved with PIC listen to a lo - Sep 27, 2008
- Yeah, but I literally believe that this concept is funny enough that if you p - Sep 27, 2008
- People are sleeping on this one harder than the night of January 2, 2000. Wh - Sep 27, 2008
- This is very funny, and as it is a "concept joke", the first paragraph, conta - Sep 26, 2008
- Thanks guys, but this one's so embarrassing I'd have closed the casket long a - Sep 26, 2008
- When I visited my friend at Conn., during a weekend of concerts, I was sorry - Sep 20, 2008
- A well-spoken friend of mine used this drug in college, said it was the most - Sep 20, 2008
- How is there a market here? My girlfriend won't even watch regular porn with - Sep 15, 2008
- On fire? What's this guy hitting? .600...? - Sep 15, 2008
- Mr Frank, I've witnessed your rise, and it was meteoric. Yes, you made us la - Sep 9, 2008
- Early in the piece, there is a great sentence "What I really can't comprehend - Sep 8, 2008
- You have a gift for the cheeky, irreverent sort of humor that gave Elaine a w - Sep 8, 2008
- The kid is officially hot. I mean, he's killin' 'em. - Sep 8, 2008
- Ah, the hostile apology, a form I have often liked, as in "I'm Sorry I Pissed - Sep 8, 2008
- No, and I'll be sure to buy a cheap wallet, empty it of everything save a pie - Sep 8, 2008
- since you ask, I will. -Omar - Sep 8, 2008
- I've been reading "Behind Two Masts", by Mr Dana, which is the story of a Bos - Sep 8, 2008
- Whoever said this was weak needs to read some GK Chesterton...this is more ur - Sep 7, 2008
- Yes, Mr Sullivan. Mr Cheesic, this headline is so strong it could stand on i - Sep 7, 2008
- DeGraaf, you are the older brother I never had. - Jul 31, 2008
- Gillespie, keep the hand strong. Nice nice. - Jul 31, 2008
- Thanks for that. And I would, but do you know how much Nate can bench? I've - Jul 28, 2008
- Well done, Nelson, my good man. I daresay you've come up with something inf - Jul 26, 2008
- Know what my friend did with a dead squirrel? He put it in the golf bag of t - Jul 26, 2008
- King is a fine writer, but Koontz? He's almost as bad as Clancy. I once rea - Jul 24, 2008
- I circulated this to some friends; for some reason, people really respond to - Jul 8, 2008
- the bitterness is so real...and so beautiful... - Jul 3, 2008
- pyramid scheme joke is fuckin' great, and the final line, too. - Jul 3, 2008
- Killer... - Jul 2, 2008
- Perhaps you could analyze Alice in Chains' song "Down in a Hole"...The lyrics - Jul 1, 2008
- Comedic gold. Whether it is the concept of responsibility you are satirizing - Jul 1, 2008
- Part of it is the picture, but you are one funny dude. - Jun 30, 2008
- Casey - I guess your're right. But every man feels fear going into battle. - Jun 30, 2008
- The problem with debating fight scenarios - and believe me when I say I used - Jun 30, 2008
- A little too strange, was it? - Jun 30, 2008
- Did you know that the author of the "Hardy Boys", a man named Franlkin W. Dix - Jun 29, 2008
- The U.S. should not be on that list...unless you mean Native Americans. - Jun 29, 2008
- Conceptually sound, with the appropriate anti-establishment bent. Whoever it - Jun 29, 2008
- The International House at my school threw some of the best parties, no joke. - Jun 29, 2008
- About the fighting...it is true that height and weight are often the decisive - Jun 28, 2008
- there is no way to delete bad comments of your own...is there? - Jun 28, 2008
- I'm glad you liked this one better than the others... - Jun 28, 2008
- Agreed. - Jun 28, 2008
- To those of you who read "Have You Caught Any Crabs?" before I put it out of - Jun 28, 2008
- It's uncanny; your picture, your articles, and the way you "talk" all remind - Jun 28, 2008
- I get you, man. I want to get back up there, you know. Give me another read - Jun 28, 2008
- I just meant I felt your name should've come up...sweet dreams. - Jun 27, 2008
- Thanks, Keep hanging in there, and I'll deliver big... - Jun 27, 2008
- Anon, you called me out pretty hard there. Of course, Smoov was a lot funnie - Jun 27, 2008
- The Wermacht (Army of Nazi Germany) devised floating platforms that could be - Jun 27, 2008
- Nate, thanks for the suggestion. I guess you're right that this piece could' - Jun 27, 2008
- So have I. Not that I needed to. I just like his stuff. It's funny. You k - Jun 27, 2008
- You're killin em on the drug humor, bro. - Jun 26, 2008
- "So I said 'fuck it' and didn't write anything for the Bible at all" - I'm th - Jun 26, 2008
- Yeah...? - Jun 26, 2008
- DeGraaf has some outstanding "drug humor" material...the kind that could only - Jun 26, 2008
- You know the scene in "Menace to Society" where the basehead it so desperate - Jun 26, 2008
- I regard these kind of zoos as a sort of hell, not only for the animals confi - Jun 26, 2008
- I am in argeement with you on virtually all points; however, the Silver Bulle - Jun 26, 2008
- I actually knew a couple of Indian guys in college - great guys - who would a - Jun 26, 2008
- that would be water, right? i'll tell you what Paul, that is a very good que - Jun 26, 2008
- Right... Really? Non-alcoholic? What in hell were you thinking? Or is it - Jun 26, 2008
- Right... Really? Non-alcoholic? What in hell were you thinking? Or is it - Jun 26, 2008
- There is, and I took it, and it is like the TAT that psychologists use to det - Jun 26, 2008
- Thanks, but it would have been better to state it in a very crude way, I thin - Jun 26, 2008
- You've got a good piece, and a tremendous fanbase. I feel you about the palm - Jun 26, 2008
- Maaan, you are the righteous connect...I'll take 600 Blue Devils, 2,000 Peter - Jun 26, 2008
- Your comment follows on the heels of the last one the way "Long, Long, Long" - Jun 26, 2008
- Perhaps you will find it more rewarding to approach the article the way you w - Jun 26, 2008
- A masterwork. - Jun 26, 2008
- Someone I know once said that he never worried about staying up at night to w - Jun 26, 2008
- At the time, I felt it was important to come up with something. - Jun 26, 2008
- OK, you live on the west coast, know about surfing, and apparently have been - Jun 26, 2008
- How about a petting zoo? What kind of idea is that? Get a bunch of harmless - Jun 26, 2008
- Don't you agree that it's only the other side of what pass for 'positive' com - Jun 26, 2008
- If you're sober enough to type without errors, it means you didn't try hard e - Jun 26, 2008
- May you be gifted with readers just like yourself... - Jun 26, 2008
- I guess so. But you could wax that thing night and day, and when the forty-f - Jun 26, 2008
- Yeah? Well...that's just your opinion, man. - Jun 25, 2008
- This is the kind of negativity I like to see. - Jun 25, 2008
- Better yet, just make an article of the guy who "made a lot of money" while f - Jun 24, 2008
- This story is fucking hilarious. If the narrator was not so conversent in st - Jun 24, 2008
- That's no excuse for actually dousing your body with cologne. - Jun 24, 2008
- That's good looking out for your buddies. - Jun 24, 2008
- It's not a drug that's that great, either. It costs a lot. Unlike pot, coke - Jun 24, 2008
- I suppose you're right that, if you look at my comments, I seem to be a total - Jun 24, 2008
- I have no idea what this means...but it's fuckin' hilarious. - Jun 24, 2008
- It appears that you specialize in getting trim... - Jun 24, 2008
- Yes...until you see naked women climbing coconut trees - something Pablo Esco - Jun 24, 2008
- Mr. Gillespie, Please allow me the time to read your pieces, as I'm afraid I - Jun 24, 2008
- Yeah? Ya like it? What'd I tell ya? - Jun 23, 2008
- Particularly enjoyed six and eight. I think those older types like "Lebowski - Jun 21, 2008
- Chris, Thanks for the compliment. - Jun 20, 2008
- Then I suppose you wouldn't be a fan of this zine that publishes "found" work - Jun 20, 2008
- I think the voters are too generous on this one. I have better stuff in the - Jun 20, 2008
- It seems we have a resident of San Carlos or thereabouts. - Jun 20, 2008
- I'll confess that I lost interest in that series when "Touched by an Angel" s - Jun 20, 2008
- Yes...yes - Jun 20, 2008
- I guess the joke is, why would be district attorney be content to show the co - Jun 20, 2008
- Mr Beck, I know what you mean, because friends often say this of my jokes. B - Jun 20, 2008
- This is on the money. I don't think you should worry about Jung, especially - Jun 20, 2008
- For another personification of flora, see "The Sound Machine", a decent short - Jun 19, 2008
- It seems PIC has a strong contigent based on the East Coast. I suppose it is - Jun 19, 2008
- This is a fine piece, more reminiscent of C.D. Payne's book "Youth in Revolt" - Jun 19, 2008
- I like this one. Despite being very funny, it is also practical. - Jun 19, 2008
- I would say that this is similar to those sketches, with the added theme of g - Jun 18, 2008
- SNL is a tough one for references, since they are syndicated to the point whe - Jun 18, 2008
- Maxim lost a lot of good writers around the time XXXL got big... - Jun 18, 2008
- This could've been in Maxim before it got real corny. The pop-culture refere - Jun 18, 2008
- Yes, Mr. Freeman, and orange slices, too. - Jun 17, 2008
- I find the voting system surprisingly accurate; I agree with the five of you, - Jun 17, 2008
- Coach, I've got better stuff coming down the pipeline. - Jun 17, 2008
- "...the list goes on, just like my love for you, princess". My favorite line - Jun 15, 2008
- I should not have concurred that the public is "stupid". It is, however, tro - Jun 15, 2008
- Being new to the site, I am glad to see any piece of serious fiction, but thi - Jun 15, 2008
- Nick, this piece showcases a truly fine ability to maintain tone. I have not - Jun 15, 2008
- In 1944, General Patton said, "Men, this stuff that some sources sling around - Jun 14, 2008
- Thanks for the compliment, Brandon. Now untangle the bong from your slinky, - Jun 14, 2008
- Yes...and you're not being fatuous. - Jun 14, 2008
- Do you write about other subjects this well? Can you give us another novel l - Jun 13, 2008
- I like this piece. It reminds me of the "Logjammin'" sequence in "The Big Le - Jun 13, 2008
