 There
is a good reason that Canadians have developed a comically
stereotypical inferiority complex, and it can be summarized in two
words: Superbowl Ads. You see, while the rest of the world is
enjoying commercials for various "light" beers, which cost upwards
of 2 million dollars (the commercials, not the beers) (except at
this one bar I go to where the beer is really expensive), we
Canadians get a totally different set of crappy Canadian
commercials.
The reason for the poorly alliterated ending to that last
paragraph is a concept called "simulcasting", which is the CRTC's
(the Canadian version of the FCC) way of forcing Canadian Content
(or 'can-con') down our throats until we just want to scream out
expletives in the general direction of our television sets. But we
don't, because that wouldn't be Canadian.
Simulcasting, despite it's fancy-sounding name that kind of
sounds like a combination of the words 'simulating' and
'masticating', is actually a really simple concept: Hijack an
American station's satellite, play the American station's show on
your own channel, and then remove all of the commercials the
advertisers actually paid for and replace them with commercials of
your own. It's like something a James Bond villain would do, but
here it's done all the time.
Let me give you a Superbowl-oriented example: Over here, we
get CBS on channel 21. We also get a trashy little Canadian channel
called Global on channel 8. So what Global decided to do, because
they're asses, was to hijack the Superbowl feed and play it on
channel 8 AND 21, and both channels showed Canadian commercials.
Every night, hundreds of American shows get played here on 2, 3, or
even 5 different channels, each showing Canadian commercials. It
makes our TV Guide about as reliable as Janet Jackson's halter top.
This brings me to my latest
point of contrition: We Canadians may have our fair
share of problems, mostly as a direct result of not being
able to see Superbowl ads wherein attractive females wax
monkey hair off of monkeys, but at least we don't FREAK OUT
when there's a nipple on television for a few seconds. Over
the last 48 hours, I have read at least a dozen reports from
actual journalists demanding an IMMEDIATE INVESTIGATION into
this HORRIBLE ATROCITY that has been inflicted upon the
YOUTH OF AMERICA. I use the caps lock key only to
demonstrate the cataclysmic consequences of this
world-changing event.
[We
interrupt this update to cross the Canadian 50 yard line.]
[Thank you
for your patience, we are working hard to make Canada
smaller.]
True story:
Back east, there is a French channel that, every night at
about 10pm, has a show called "Bleu Nuit" (French for 'Blue
Night' or some such nonsense). In this program, they show
various pornographic movies conveniently interspliced with
'can-con' commercials. Now, you may be thinking, "Oh, sure,
those Frenchies may like the boobies, but that's just
because they come from some crazy European country like
France or Lichtenstein." Well, the ratings for Bleu Nuit
were so good that other (English) channels began copying the
format.
A different crappy
Canadian network, CityTV, introduced the 'Baby Blue' films, mostly
starring the delectable Shannon Tweed. They also have a show called
'SexTV' and one called 'Kink', wherein hideously fat naked people
share their love for bondage and domination with the unsuspecting
public. And this isn't going on in the middle of the night. These
shows are on as early as 6pm, right when I'm trying to eat. ("Oh
look, she's tying his penis to a tree like a tire swing. Pass the
nachos.")
My point is, and I'm not trying to sound like a
bleeding-hearted liberal here, Janet Jackson's stunt is not a big
deal. I don't care if it was intentional, or a total accident, or a
stunt that 'went too far'. I don't care, and neither should you.
It's not corrupting the youth of America. That's what the internet
is for. If you don't believe me, just check your kid's/little
brother's history log. Chances are, if he's over the age of 6,
you'll find some reference to the Bangbus. And compared to that, the
Janet Jackson thing is like an episode of 'Leave it to Beaver'.
Not that I ever got to see Leave it to Beaver. But I hear it
was a showcase for some great Canadian commercials. Now I have to
go. 'Kink' is on.
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