About Nick Gaudio
Hometown
Cumberland, Maryland
School
West Virginia University
At a Glance
Nick Gaudio attended THE West Virginia University. There, he was editor-in-chief of Calliope, the award-winning undergraduate literary journal. In his spare time, Nick liked to write, read, and show off his penis. He is currently working on a novel that incorporates all of these.
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Take This Coupon, You Stupid Whore
Posted November 30th, 2006 by Nick Gaudio
SW: "Hi, Welcome to Chickfila, may I help you?"
N: "Hi, I've got two coupons here for a free chicken sandwich."
SW: "Two...?"
N: "Yes...two..."
SW: "I'm sorry sir but we can only take one coupon per customer per visit."
N: "Couldn't I just go around again, technically?"
SW: ...
N: "That's what it is right? I mean, this is a visit. I could just drive down to Burger King, do a circle and come back. That'd be another 'visit.'"
SW: "No, technically it wouldn't..."
N: "Are you serious? You're going to give me a hard time about a goddamned chicken sandwich?"
SW: "Store policy sir."
N: "So how long do I have to wait until I come back and use this other coupon?"
SW: ...
N: "How fucking long?! I'm fucking hungry."
SW: "Please calm down sir, or I'll have to ask you to leave the premises."
N: "Listen. What's your name?"
SW: ...
N: "Okay...how about this. You give me one chicken sandwich, I'll buy the other."
SW: "Okay that's fine."
N: "But why is that fine?!"
SW: "Sir-"
N: "No. I want my goddamned two chicken sandwiches right now. I got these coupons and you'd damn well better keep to your word. One coupon per visit, yeah I understand if I came up here with fifty fucking coupons, but I just want two. Can't you break the fucking Chickfila corporate protocol and help this hungry motherfucker out? There are cars behind me honkin and shit. You can hear them. Just take this coupon, you stupid whore."
SW: ...
N: "You know what? Fuck it. I've got a mute guy in the car here. How the fuck is he supposed to get his sandwich?"
SW: "Pull around sir."
So I pull around. The bitch is about forty, has long, stringy black hair and a serious acne problem. You could fucking sky dive in those pores. Not to mention, I've never seen a goddamned unibrow as pronounced on a man, let alone a woman. She gives me a white bag. It feels light. As I pull away, I realize: I only got one fucking sandwich.
I pull around, again.
N: "What the fuck?"
SW: "One coupon per customer per visit."
N: "Can I speak with your manager?"
SW: "I'm the highest ranking employee on duty, sir."
N: "What the fuck is this, the Coast Guard? Are you protecting Chicken Sandwich Beach from the Two Coupon Terrorist? Give. me. my. goddamned. sandwich."
SW: "Sir, the police will be called if you do not leave."
N: "Fuck you."
I pulled around and ate my ONE, GODDAMNED CHICKEN SANDWICH.
The thing was, it was a shitty day before this whole bullshit.
One coupon per customer per visit.
Fucking whore.
N: "Hi, I've got two coupons here for a free chicken sandwich."
SW: "Two...?"
N: "Yes...two..."
SW: "I'm sorry sir but we can only take one coupon per customer per visit."
N: "Couldn't I just go around again, technically?"
SW: ...
N: "That's what it is right? I mean, this is a visit. I could just drive down to Burger King, do a circle and come back. That'd be another 'visit.'"
SW: "No, technically it wouldn't..."
N: "Are you serious? You're going to give me a hard time about a goddamned chicken sandwich?"
SW: "Store policy sir."
N: "So how long do I have to wait until I come back and use this other coupon?"
SW: ...
N: "How fucking long?! I'm fucking hungry."
SW: "Please calm down sir, or I'll have to ask you to leave the premises."
N: "Listen. What's your name?"
SW: ...
N: "Okay...how about this. You give me one chicken sandwich, I'll buy the other."
SW: "Okay that's fine."
N: "But why is that fine?!"
SW: "Sir-"
N: "No. I want my goddamned two chicken sandwiches right now. I got these coupons and you'd damn well better keep to your word. One coupon per visit, yeah I understand if I came up here with fifty fucking coupons, but I just want two. Can't you break the fucking Chickfila corporate protocol and help this hungry motherfucker out? There are cars behind me honkin and shit. You can hear them. Just take this coupon, you stupid whore."
SW: ...
N: "You know what? Fuck it. I've got a mute guy in the car here. How the fuck is he supposed to get his sandwich?"
SW: "Pull around sir."
So I pull around. The bitch is about forty, has long, stringy black hair and a serious acne problem. You could fucking sky dive in those pores. Not to mention, I've never seen a goddamned unibrow as pronounced on a man, let alone a woman. She gives me a white bag. It feels light. As I pull away, I realize: I only got one fucking sandwich.
I pull around, again.
N: "What the fuck?"
SW: "One coupon per customer per visit."
N: "Can I speak with your manager?"
SW: "I'm the highest ranking employee on duty, sir."
N: "What the fuck is this, the Coast Guard? Are you protecting Chicken Sandwich Beach from the Two Coupon Terrorist? Give. me. my. goddamned. sandwich."
SW: "Sir, the police will be called if you do not leave."
N: "Fuck you."
I pulled around and ate my ONE, GODDAMNED CHICKEN SANDWICH.
The thing was, it was a shitty day before this whole bullshit.
One coupon per customer per visit.
Fucking whore.
11 Comments
That just seems wrong. I think you need to boycott them for a while. After you cash in your other coupon.
Fucking drive=thru cunts. What a twat.
"Chicken Sandwich Beach from the Two Coupon Terrorist".....oh my god, that was funny. I almost spit my coffee out at that one. It made my morning.
Hahaha hilarious!
go rutgers.
Dude. She did something horrible with that sandwich.
You might wanna get checked for herpes.
yea het checked, it might not have been mayo on that sandwhich.
You know. I don't blame her for not honoring the second coupon because you were such a prick. I also work as a cashier and I'd do the same thing. I follow the coupon rules and accept no substitutions. You sir, in my book, are a moron. I hope she spit on your sandwich.
You're a stupid fucking idiot.
Go work in retail for a while you fucking prick. There are rules in place and you follow them or get fired. That's what it's like being replacable labor. Fucking douche.
Ok, I get it guys you feel all high an mighty about being a retail clerk. I think we have all been a retail clerk or worked at the Quik'e'stop at some point in our lives. I currently work retail too and you and i both know that if you took the time to get off your lazy ass to call your manager over they would give the customer the second sandwich.
Why do they give you the sandwich? Because the limit one per customer is not designed for the guy who brings 2 coupons it is designed for the guy who brings fifty coupons. And I want you to honestly tell me that working at your "Burger Barn" job you have never given yourself or your friends a free burger or a free soda or something of that nature. If you say you haven't then you are either lying or a fucking saint. 'Nuff said.
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