Points in Case > Observations like an Old Toilet

Observations like an Old Toilet

Posted April 3rd, 2006 by Nathan DeGraaf

I don’t know if any of you have read David Nelson’s PIC practical joke column on the big site (I mean, how would I?), but I think I speak for everyone when I say that it’s not right to pull an April Fool’s Day prank on March 30th. That’s just unfair. That’s like opening your presents on December 23rd or eating a turkey dinner on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. It’s just wrong. And yes, it goes without saying that I was totally fooled. But that’s neither here nor there. So there.

So I returned one of my dad’s phone calls and he answered with the following: “Nate. Listen I can’t remember why I called you. I’ll call you back if I do.” And then he hung up on me. So, if you’re wondering where I get my personality, you can rest assured that I came by it honestly.

Well, I now have the baseball ticket package on cable. You know what that means, right? It’s time to start the “When will Amy Break Up with Nathan?” pool. My buddy Big Mike has June 23rd and my friend Tony has May 18th. All the other dates are open. Feel free to let me know in comment boxes or via email. The winner gets to guest write a column for me on PIC. Tiebreakers are determined by how good you write. And voting that Amy and I won’t break up during the baseball season is always an option. And yes, I am deathly serious about this. Deathly.

I’ve been doing a lot of baseball umpiring lately and well, I had forgotten just how many different body crevices dirt can find a home in. I don’t think my teeth will ever be the same. And yes, this is the kind of stuff I feel you need to know.

Because I’ve been so busy lately, I actually had to pay my girlfriend to clean my place and do my laundry. Then, after paying her, I took her out and dropped $70 on dinner. And that made me wonder what the hell I'm paying her for? Oh, right. Sexual favors.

A little kid at one of the local ballparks told me that he wants to be a major leaguer when he grows up. I told him that because he can be whatever he wants to be, he should shoot for something even more impressive, like American President, Columbian Drug Lord or Daytime Television Talk Show Host. He walked away without thanking me for my quality advice. Kids. They’re just stupid.

No matter what anyone says, I have the sexiest farmer’s tan known to man. Now you think about that when you take a crap (advice that rhymes works every time).

One of my favorite things to do at the office is as follows: when someone complains about something, I say, “Well, you know what they say?” And when they reply with, “What do they say?”, I simply respond, “You know.” I’ve been doing this for five months. I can honestly say it does not get old.

And finally, because this is one of those entries where I flush logic and fluidity down the poop can, I leave you with the following, which I overheard Joe Morgan say while announcing last night’s ball game.

“You see, you can’t hit the baseball if you don’t see the baseball.”

No votes yet

17 Comments

Dave's picture
Dave (not verified) on April 3rd, 2006:

Yeah, sorry about that, Nate. I actually agree, pulling an April Fools joke a few day's early is totally unfair. I brought the idea to Court and let him take care of the logistics. He's the guy actually putting stuff on the webpage, so I guess he had his reasons. Maybe if it had gone up April 1, it would have been too obvious? I don't know.

I'll play fair next year, promise.

Amy's picture
Amy (not verified) on April 3rd, 2006:

Can I bet too?

If so, I'd like to take July 4th.

I tend to break up with people on holidays...

Kev from L.A.'s picture
Kev from L.A. (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

Hey, Nate.
First of all, don't feel too bad about the bracket. My friend's wife consistently kicks his butt each year by picking school mascots ("oooh, a wolverine would totally kill a terrapin.") It's just one of those things God does to balance out against the fact that we don't have to get pregnant and give birth.
Anyway, I decided to enter your pool scientifically, and I couldn't help but notice that almost half of your beloved Cards games in August are against either the Cubs or Cinci. Amy seems like a cool chick, so I'm guessing she'll make it through the All-Star break. I'm gonna say that on AUGUST 26, when Mark Prior throws a 2-hitter against you with a final of 1-0 Cubs, you will get so ticked off that you will get in a fight with her over nothing, reveal that you've been doing someone on the side (even if you made the girl up, which can be a fun if dangerous strategy) and then it's all over except the hate mail.

But that's just a guess.

Chad's picture
Chad (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

I'm going with whatever day the Cards are bounced out of the playoffs. Probably early October. Say October 7th

Court's picture
Court (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

I'm gonna go ahead and ruin it for everyone: it's going to be April 21st, the morning after I sleep with her and she realizes there's no way she can go back to average.

DAAAYUUUUM.

Annette's picture
Annette (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

PLEASE,don't break up on my birthday(may 18th). That would just be so sad.

Nathan's picture
Nathan (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

Here's the pool so far. Please keep in mind that Court and Amy are ineligible. Court because he's the boss and Amy because she's a controlling influence. Chad I'll allow because he's not techniacally a columnist, but no PIC columnist is elligible. Everyone understand the rules here? Good.

Court…April 21
Tony…May 18
Big Mike…June 23
Amy…July 4
Kev from LA…August 26
Chad…October 7

Bunni's picture
Bunni (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

I'm saying June 4th....no real reason for it I'm just feeling that date.

Mike's picture
Mike (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

Upon realizing that Court has a less-than-average sized penis, Amy decides to stay with Nate.

I vote that they do not break up.

Amy's picture
Amy (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

Thanks Mike!

Still, if I was stupid enough to sleep with Court, then Nathan would deffinitely break up with me, which means people should consider that an option.

Oh, and Court, I'm NOT going to sleep with you.

Court's picture
Court (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

:(

Ian's picture
Ian (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

Im taking October 7th

Nathan's picture
Nathan (not verified) on April 4th, 2006:

Ian, Chad has the 7th. You must pick a different date. Sorry, but every day must be spoken for before we double up. Rules and all that...

Ashley's picture
Ashley (not verified) on April 5th, 2006:

August 3rd... dunno why, just b/c I said so.... I didn't have time to think about it statistically and come up with a formula for the date... BTW Nathan De Graff (I'm using the full name b/c I'm pissed) you owe me a stiff one (drink, I mean haha) after the verbal abuse I had to deal with from you today :-)

Court's picture
Court (not verified) on April 5th, 2006:

omg dude, you get 14 year old girls drunk and abuse them Nate??

i'm calling social services.

Mike's picture
Mike (not verified) on April 5th, 2006:

grass on the field, play ball.

no grass, play in the mud.

right?

Rob's picture
Rob (not verified) on April 5th, 2006:

I'm gonna take Sept. 24 when Houston completes a 4 game sweep of the Cards, eliminating them from playoff contention.
And by the way, I'll be at the St. Louis-Phillies game tomorrow. If your watching I'll be that drunken asshole down the third base line yelling at Charlie Manuel for fucking up what could actually be a good team...

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