Medical Marijuana: My New Medication

By Mable Eleanor Hershwire

Now if my memory serves me correctly (which it usually doesn't at this age), it was about two weeks ago I went to the doctor complaining of "glaucoma-like pain."

My doctor, a handsome, young 53-year-old boy, listened intently to my symptoms (oh Gosh I go on sometimes!) and he suggested giving medical marijuana a try.

Medical marijuana
Sour diesel? I hope it's under $4/gallon, my Medicaid doesn't pay for much.
Now, let me be the first to say, I always thought marijuana was for hooligans, whippersnappers, hippies, and negroes. But Dr. Jewstein told me that this marijuana has been researched and is safe and proven to temporarily provide relief for my glaucoma. Well, times are changin', I guess! (Negroes must have moved on to crack.)

He prescribed me a moderate amount of medical marijuana, showed me how to use it, and reassured me that this was safe and effective. He said I should try it for a month, and call for a check-up after it's gone, and we'll go over how it went.

Once again, I was cautious to do a drug, but I trust my doctor and also I'll do anything to help heal my glaucoma at this point. Plus at Scrabble, Agnes told me that she knows a guy who had glaucoma and he feels all better now because of medical marijuana. Then Betty pointed out that technically all my cholesterol and heart pills are drugs too! Then I got a Triple-Word Score.

So, after church on Sunday, I decided to start taking my medication. I had Ed light the "joint" for me (my fingers are too frail). Ed lit it with a match and I sucked in and inhaled like my doctor told me to do. I took a few more puffs, sat back in our couch, and turned on our TV set.

Have you ever noticed how Socialist the Price Is Right is, man? Think about it, dude. And who does this Sue Johanson SINNER think she is? I tell ya, there's a special place in Hell for that dirty-mouthed, dildo-toting, devil-worshipping, dominatrix-suggesting, dirty-Sanchez-enjoying dame. Holy shit, I just totally alliterated! Not even on purpose, either. Did you hear that shit, Ed? No? Goddamnit it was amazing.

Ed--hey ED--Ed. Ed. Hey Ed. Ededed. Do you wanna like go mallwalking today? Oh, I mean ‘cause I don't feel like going anymore, but if you're still going, you should totally pick me up some Arby's, bro. I'll pay you back. I know I still owe you for that Reader's Digest last week, but I told you man I'm waiting for my Social Security check; it's supposed to come on Tuesday and I'll pay you back then first thing I swear.

Who thought of "brushing your teeth"? Why don't we brush other body parts?

Hey, do you remember if I locked the Oldsmobile or not after we got back? Oh yeah, you were driving. Well, did you remember to turn the lights off? You sure?

I can't believe we lived during the Holocaust. Like we were straight up alive for that. Crazy stuff. What a story to tell the grandkids. Speaking of, I forgot to send Timmy five dollars for his birthday.

How does Alex Trebek know ALL these facts? What if he's pronouncing something wrong but he just acts like he knows what he's talking about? Hey, do you Matlock on right now?

Make me some cheese.

In my day we had to walk a mile to school every day uphill through snow, and now kids are complaining because their iPod Touch isn't an iPhone? I tell you what, these kids deserve a good spank on the rear.

Ed. Ed- what's up, how you doin' buddy? You're good? Good.


Oh man this hard candy is so good. Sooooo good. Whoever invented butterscotch is a GENIUS.

I think my Alzheimer's is getting worse, but my glaucoma's getting better. Hmm.

Why do they make these crossword puzzles so small? I can't read the fucking clues! Even with my reading glasses.

What's that noise? What? Nevermind. I thought I heard something. It might have just been me moving my leg.

I gotta crash, bro.... Pick me up some all-you-can-eat buffet from Perkin's or some shit.... Peace......

Hey Ed.........there should be a coupon in my coupon pouch.

Peace out.

C'mon, one more:

Argh, I love PiC, and I understand everything is a joke, and I really have started to appreciate Paul Frank, and this isn't a shot solely intended for him, but is anyone else getting sick of the consistent derogatory slamming of negroes. Like every now and then it's funny, but when someone/people do it so consistently it starts to leave a bitter taste in the mouth, this article was great, like Jewstein, freaking hilarious reference, I felt the negro line/s went a bit too far, maybe I'm just being overly sensitive, maybe others will agree... maybe Points in Case should lay off the black man jokes for awhile... maybe I should go do some crack

kudos Paul

You aren't being overly sensitive. Paul Frank lacks comedic skills so he has to revert to racism.

cheerios's picture

ooooh, burn! I'm wondering how he knows so much about old ladies tho.

Michael J. Galt's picture

Edgy is what he's going for douchebag, and he rarely writes in his own voice. Keep in mind that I'm basing my opinions on nothing, and that I don't know Paul rank after F personally. That being said, I can only speak for myself in saying that I find offending random strangers to be hilarious, and skinny white guys messing with others cultures for comedy purposes is definitely not done enough.

KC Jayfree's picture

this is my favorite thing Paul Frank has done in a while. i take severe offense to it, since i'm an elderly white woman living in the Midwest and this is clearly making fun of people like me.

Court Sullivan's picture

"Ed--hey ED--Ed. Ed. Hey Ed. Ededed."


COULD YOU IMAGINE YOUR FUCKING GRANDMA GOING OFF HER ROCKER (literally) AND SAYING THIS TO YOUR GRANDPA?!!! jesus, i would love to see my grandmother high.

What is with Courts unprofessed love of Paul Frank, why don't you just tongue his ass hole?

Court Sullivan's picture

You really think there's something sexual we HAVEN'T already done together? Tongue the asshole? Please...child's play.

wow...that was a good comeback

i'll come on your back

This was very funny. Paul Frank hasn't been offensive since he stopped writing about the hilarity of 9/11 and the joys of date rape.

... that was a good come back? What the fuck. How low are your standards?

Marijuana was originally used as medicine during the ancient times, so it's not surprising at all. It is beneficial to humans only if used in moderate amounts. Too much of something is bad enough. Spice Girls, anyone? Haha.

Christa Joy's picture

I'm there, dude