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"Impressively
Sequential"
Now Playing: "Ghost World" by Aimee Mann
This is it. The Ninety-Ninth Issue of Text-Heavy. Next week we're
turning the issue odometer over to three digits. Some people say
Text-Heavy isn't as funny now as it was back in, say, issue 43.
Others say it was never funnier. Still more say it was never funny.
And the rest say, "What the hell is Text-Heavy? And why do you keep
emailing me? That's it, I'm calling the police." Whatever camp you
fall into, I'd just like to thank you for supporting Internet comedy
through two years, and counting. Here's to many more! And here's
what happened:
-According to my friends in
teacher's college, one of the first things you learn when becoming a
teacher is that you have to be very careful what you give students
to read. You're not allowed to give them books that glorify drugs,
sex or alcohol, because there's a fear that if you expose children
to adult subjects, they'll go out and try it. This makes perfect
sense to me, because I remember when I was a kid my history teacher
taught me all about World War II, and the next week I went out and
invaded Poland.
-At some point in your university career, you will be asked to
formally "declare a major." This isn't as exciting as it sounds. I
thought I'd have to stand up on a stool in front of my professors
and shout "I declare!" and then everyone would applaud and some
attractive female professors would tear off their blazers, but
apparently all you have to do is sign a form. Curse you college,
you've crushed my perverted fantasies for the last time.
-Everybody knows the one guy who's always signing up for classes too
late. While everyone else registers for classes sometime in the
summer using the university's handy and efficient
class registration system, there's
always the one guy who waits until classes actually start in order
to sign up for them, and then he's always shocked when he gets
waitlisted. "Golly gee willickers, all the classes I need are full,"
this student will say in the internal monologue that goes on in my
mind. And he gets really defensive when you ask him why he waited so
long to register. "I just did, okay? It's not a big deal. Leave me
alone." It's always people like this who suffer some tragic, yet
comical fate, like falling into a well.
-A lot of people think they can tell how good a class is by how many
people are waitlisted for it on the first day of class. They figure
if that many people wanted to get in but couldn't, it must be good.
This is not true. Your best bet is to wait until the second week of
class, and then see how many people have dropped it.
-One of the saddest things in the world is watching someone who's
waitlisted for a class you're in attempt to actually get in
the class. They'll bring the professor candy, they'll attend classes
and sit on the floor if they have to, they'll write an extra term
paper, anything to get into the class. It's like watching an
abandoned puppy sit outside its former owner's door in the rain for
hours on end. It almost makes me want to drop the class just so that
person could get in. But then I remember how much I secretly enjoy
watching others suffer. Seriously, I could probably sell tickets to
this.
-Quote of the Moment: I love to
hear people complain about their class schedules. "On Thursdays I
have six hours of classes with absolutely no break. This sucks. How
could this happen?" The only answer I can possibly give is "Dude,
you made your schedule. You know exactly how this happened. Watch
out for that well."
-It's getting to that point in the year when the people who live far
enough away from school so as to move out of their parents' houses,
but close enough to the school to go visit whenever they want, go
home for the weekend (I'll give you all a minute to catch up to my
highly advanced grammar). They claim they're homesick, but we all
know that's just an excuse so they don't have to admit they still
haven't learned how to do laundry.
-We're also at that point where it's no longer considered socially
acceptable to ask someone
how their summer was. Even if it's
the first time you've seen the person since school started, you
still feel like it's the wrong question to ask. It's too bad,
really, because that's one of the few questions people can ask me to
which I have a prepared response ("Good"). It's all right, though.
By next week it'll be okay to start asking people what their plans
are for Thanksgiving ("Good").
-There should be a contest to name new buildings on campus. Whoever
comes up with the most banal, unoriginal, self-serving name wins. I
nominate the "Emmanuel Witzman Building." Years from now freshmen
will bitch about how they've got a "Quiz in the Witz" in an hour.
Then we'll see who's laughing.
-Somehow word got out that I sort of know a thing or two about
computers (I told people I single-handedly designed
Pointsincase.com) and now everybody I know wants me to fix their PC.
That's fine with me, because I love to help people and maybe find
some hidden pornography, but the one thing I don't understand is why
so many people's computers need fixing. To my knowledge, they're
using the same computer they had last year, and it was fine then.
And they weren't using it at all over the summer. Do computers just
degenerate if you stop using them for a certain amount of time, like
milk or plutonium? You'd think I'd know this stuff, what with me
having designed Pointsincase.com and all.
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