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"Now 33% More Self-Referential"
Now Playing: "Goodnight Moon" by Shivaree
Week after week, Text-Heavy is here for your entertainment pleasure.
How do I manage to write a different article every Sunday, while
still maintaining the level of mediocre quality to which you've
become accustomed? The answer is formulaic. Every edition of
Text-Heavy contains numerous similarities and recurring thematic
elements, which I've gone to the trouble of outlining for you so you
can write your own Text-Heavy newsletters to share with your
friends. Heck, if you follow these guidelines your newsletters will
almost certainly end up being funnier than mine. Then you won't need
me at all and I'll spiral into a deep depression that will
ultimately lead to suicide. Enjoy! Here's what happened:
-The title is the most important
part of any Text-Heavy issue. It is the backbone which supports the
flesh and various vital organs that make up the rest of the
newsletter, at least until those organs are harvested and sold on
the black market alongside deadly firearms and bow-legged child
labourers. The goal of the column's title is to "draw the reader in"
and "make you want to read further," often through a humorous pun or
play on words. Future newsletter titles include: "Things I Hate
About Immigrants," "You Might Be A Dark Jedi If..." and "48-Page
Dragonball Z Fan Fiction Extravaganza."
-Why do I number each volume of Text-Heavy, even long after the idea
of numbering a weekly newsletter wore out its welcome (week 2)?
Probably the same reason they still number Archie comics (although
I'm pretty sure they've moved to scientific notation by now): To
compensate for having an unbelievably small penis. And why do I
always put myself down for the sake of a joke? Same reason.
-Every good column has a slogan, and Text-Heavy has them in spades.
Of course, by spades I mean "one per issue." The idea for the
perpetually-changing newsletter slogan came when I was designing the
original Text-Heavy website back in September 2002, when I could
code HTML about as well as I could perform neurosurgery. Since then,
my neurosurgery skills have improved ever so slightly and now if
given the choice between designing a website or performing a
lobotomy on a homeless person, I would probably go with the website
but it would definitely be close. Someone suggested I include some
catchy slogans on the site I was designing, to draw attention away
from the spinning skull animated GIFs and MIDI soundtrack. I said
"ok" and then went back to snorting lines of cocaine off the chests
of Cambodian prostitutes. Since then, the slogan has become a staple
of every Text-Heavy issue, and some have even said they can tell how
good a column's going to be based on the quality of the slogan. This
has made the slogan the most important part of any Text-Heavy issue.
Check this week's again if you don't believe me.
-The "Now Playing" section of Text-Heavy is definitely a
controversial addition to the newsletter, but is nonetheless, in my
opinion, the most important part of any issue. The idea stemmed from
my egotistical desire to tell all my friends (who were the only
recipients of this newsletter at its inception) what song I was
listening to at that very moment. I figured if someone sent ME an
email telling me what song THEY were listening to, I would read on
with keen interest and purchase/download the album containing that
song post-haste. In a way, the "Now Playing" section is something of
a service to the Internet community. I generally try to include
songs by artists nobody's ever heard of, so as to come off as a
pretentious, "high-art" sort of person who appreciates music more
than you ever could unless you died and were reincarnated as me. If
I listed the song I was ACTUALLY listening to as I wrote each issue
then "Toxic" would have been on there at least 17 times and you'd
have heard three different songs by Hilary Duff. Fuck you they're
catchy.
-Although Text-Heavy has gone through many changes since it's
inception, the introductory
paragraph has remained throughout the year(s). The introductory
paragraph differs from every other paragraph in three (3) ways:
First, it is not preceded by a hyphen for some reason. Second, it
makes an attempt to prepare you for the 10-15 minutes of your life
you're about to waste reading the rest of the newsletter. And third,
it ends with the words "Here's What Happened," even if the contents
of that particular column do not involve anything technically having
happened. I suppose a fourth difference would be that the
introductory paragraph remains, historically, the most important
part of the article.
-Off-Topic Corner-Palooza: I recently found out that I'm allergic to
Claritin. How the hell can I be allergic to allergy medicine?
Nothing cures those itchy eyes, that runny nose or pesky sneezing
like 4 hours of projectile vomiting. If they come up with allergy
medicine to cure my allergy to Claritin, and I find out I'm allergic
to that too, just do the world a favor and kill me.
-Everybody loves quotes. Especially
funny quotes. If you don't believe
me, just try googling "funny quotes" and see how many results you
get. Not yet you moron. Finish reading first. This is why the "Quote
of the Moment" is unquestionably the most important part of every
newsletter. In addition to being the easiest part of the newsletter
to write, since I don't need to make up a joke myself, the "Quote of
the Moment" has the added bonus of making it appear as though I have
more friends than I really do.
Many people are offended having
their names attached to a quote that makes them look like a
humongous douchebag, so as a rule all Quotes are attributed to
aliases. Yes, that's right: I make up names. Sometimes I make up the
quotes myself, too. And sometimes I twist the quotes so far out of
context that they lose any fragment of reality and become a
narcissistic pile of crap that I then pass off as comedy. I am the
Michael Moore of humor columns.
-Critics agree, the infrequently-recurring Off-Topic Corner is the
most important part of every newsletter. Many of you have enjoyed
these non-sequitor tidbits, or even read
an entire column composed entirely
of these observational comedy nuggets. What you probably didn't know
is that these jokes are the most difficult ones to write, due to
their sophisticated Jerry Seinfeld-esque nature. This is why I have
employed a team of Rhesus monkeys to create these jokes on an
infinite number of typewriters, and as you can imagine that takes a
while. Usually the Rhesus monkeys will type gibberish. Sometimes
they'll type out the words of Shakespeare. And sometimes the little
AIDS-ridden bastards will bite my finger when I approach. But the
jokes I get out of it make the whole ordeal worthwhile.
-Off-Topic Corner, Quote of the Moment Edition: On an online
petition to save his college's only bar from closing, my friend...
um... "Jason"... wrote: "A college without alcohol is like a prison
without drugs." Words to live by, if I've ever heard any.
-A lot of people want to know why Text-Heavy is so obsessed with
concepts like Arbor Day, wombats, anime nerds, Republicans and that
Milkshake song. Don't worry about it. They're not important.
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