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"Handy College Tips for College Kids with Hands"
Now Playing: "I Can Buy You" by A Camp
Welcome to the long-overdue conclusion to the "Exams" series, the
foremost comedic resource on exams and related paraphernalia. Boy,
it's a good thing I didn't just get bored of this subject and move
on to some other topic, like the joy of brick, because then you'd
never get to find out how this series turns out, and that would be
worse than missing the finale of Friends because you happened to be
tied up naked with a black hood over your head while being urinated
upon in an Iraqi prison cell. So buckle up and get ready for the
most fun you can legally have while discussing the topic of college
finals, or more specifically the aftermath thereof. Seriously. The
first draft of this column was a lot more fun, but the government
stepped in and said "No Way, Jose!" I suggest you all stop reading
this column immediately and write angry, poorly-spelled letters to
your congresspersons until they permit more fun and stop using 80's
slang. Anyway, here's what happened:
-If you leave an exam at the same
time as another person, even if you've never spoken to this person
before and have absolutely no interest in doing so, you are legally
obligated to ask them how they did as you leave the room. Most
people understand this rule and will politely reply "Good, and you?"
to which you can then reply "Pretty good" and then you can both move
on with your meaningless lives and never speak to each other ever
again. Unless of course it was an English exam, in which case you
should reply "Pretty well" and then move on from there.
-Occasionally, though, you leave an exam with someone who doesn't
know this post-exam protocol. When you ask him how he did, he will
begin droning on and on about the ambiguity in question 38 and how
he was up all night studying but the prof is such an asshole so he
might not have done as well as he wanted to do which sucks because
he's trying to get into med school and this is the third time he's
taken the class and SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP. This is why it pays to
always carry with you a smoke grenade or concealed semi-automatic
assault rifle. If you happen to lack foresight and find yourself in
this situation without any of the aforementioned items, simply stare
at the guy intently, nodding ever so slightly and blinking 400 times
a minute until he loses his train of thought, at which point it is
perfectly acceptable to rape him right there in the hallway.
-One of the peculiar quirks about college (here I am referring to my
college, and extrapolating to colleges in general based on illogical
and/or non-existent evidence) is that you never find out the grade
you got on your final. To prevent cheating, all exams, once graded,
are locked up in a secret underground vault and there's no way you
can see how you did without recreating key scenes from Ocean's
Eleven (and, to a lesser extent, Shrek). Oh, sure. Your professor
will SAY you can make an appointment to come see your completed exam
under ultraviolet lights and camera surveillance, but nobody in
recorded history has ever stayed at their college town long enough
after finals to see if it's a hoax. Just face the fact that you can
never contest your exam grade, or see a breakdown of your marks.
Ever. Also, try not to waste your time thinking about which scenes
from Shrek I was talking about.
-After you finish your exams, there is a period I like to refer to
as the "Waiting Period" (because I'm too tired to think of a clever
name) in which you do nothing but wait for your final grades to
become available. These days, schools post final grades on some sort
of "Internet" so you can view them as soon as they become available,
which is approximately fourteen years after graduation. Seriously,
how long does it take to put a multiple-choice Scantron sheet
through a computer? My theory is that there's only one computer in
the universe capable of reading Scantron sheets, located at the
bottom of a well in Kentucky. And because it was created in 1971 it
can only process four exams per day. Right now every final I've ever
written is being shipped off to be dropped down this well, and the
computer will spit out my results in the order it was received.
Paints a pretty picture, don't it?
-What's with final grades being available exclusively online,
anyhow? As anyone who's seen the hit 1995 film Hackers knows, any
pimply 13-year-old can break into university records, CIA mainframes
or NASA in less time than it takes Anna Nicole Smith to run fifty
feet (8.5 minutes). Between that and the fact that you can never
independently verify your exam score, your grades are about as
accurate as a
Justin Rebello movie review.
-Quote of the Moment: I emailed one of my professors, asking to know
how I did on my final exam. When I received his curt and completely
unhelpful reply, "Pretty well," I wrote back asking for a more
specific answer. Three days later, I received this email: "I regret
to inform you that I am unable, as per university policy, to release
your exam grade to you via email. If you would like to schedule an
appointment, we could discuss the matter in person." When I replied
that I would love to meet in person, but being 5000 miles away from
school makes the idea cost- and time-prohibitive, he responded:
"Okay, then. Have a good summer." I guess I'll have to live with
"pretty well."
-All right, all right. It's that
part where Shrek and Eddie Murphy are trying to break into the
castle and save the princess from the dragon. They're crossing the
really perilous bridge. Remember? Getting to your exams is a lot
like that.
-Super Off Topic Corner 2 Turbo: Have you ever heard Bill O'Reilly
say the word "negroes"? Doesn't he kind of say it like it was a
highly infectious disease? As in: "Ah think the reason Detroit has
all that crime is because they got the Negroes. A'right?" Fuck you,
Bill O'Reilly, and fuck your No Spin Zone. A'right? </END LEFT_WING
POLITICAL COMMENTARY>
-For a lark, try going into your school library—the same library
that was so overcrowded with twitching students a few short days
ago—the morning after exams are officially over. It'll be a gas!
It's like stepping onto the set of the Omega Man. I swear there were
actual tumbleweeds in the Upper Mezzanine.
-There's no feeling in the world quite like the feeling you get
after you finish your last exam. As you head back to your dorm room,
you can't help but feel a little giddy as you know you've just
fulfilled all your scholastic responsibilities for the year, and you
can now rest easy knowing you finally have some time to yourself.
Time to sit back, slug a few beers, and party away for the next six
hours, because that's as long as you get to evacuate your dorm.
Nobody's sure why you have to leave school so soon. Maybe they're
gassing the place for termites. Whatever the reason, don't let the
fact that you're finally done school for the year give you a big
head. You've got some serious packing to do, and I'm sure you'll do
it pretty well.
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