|
"Banned In 38 States"
Now Playing: "The Wind" by Cat Stevens
Every college student living off-campus will at one time or another
experience the joys of having a break between classes. I'm talking
about a break that's too short to be worth going home for, but too
long to simply ignore. Many young collegians deal with this problem
by chillaxing with their friends, but if you're reading this column
chances are you don't have that luxury. You're probably also upset
by my use of the word "chillax," and I don't blame you. Luckily,
there are plenty of fun and/or exciting ways to spend a college
recess, and here's what happened:
-Molest the Nappers: Every
school has one unreasonably loud area with comfy couches where
attractive girls will lie down for a nap. It's always some lobby by
the busiest cafeteria or a room above the campus bowling alley. How
do these girls sleep with all that hustle and bustle? They must chug
full bottles of NyQuil to put them out like that. You can work this
to your advantage by groping, undressing and posing these girls in
any manner you wish, because they obviously aren't waking up anytime
soon. It's like spending recess with a whole army of life-size
Gumbys.
-Read the Campus Newspaper: Our campus rag is called "the
Martlet" and I believe it to be the acme of journalistic
achievement. It's got everything: left-wing bias, spelling errors,
editorial cartoons that no human being understands... the works.
Heck I could spend my entire recess just re-reading the Martlet
comics, which make Calvin & Hobbes look like Marmaduke. (Sample
punchline: "Just because we're roomMATES doesn't mean we're
MARRIED!") While your college newspaper may not contain that level
of hilarity, at least you'll be kept up-to-date about the goings-on
around campus, such as which shitty band you've never heard of is
playing at what hole-in-the-wall bar next week, and which professor
just had a back-alley abortion.
-Masturbate in the Handicapped Washroom: Accessibility is
very hot nowadays, and many campuses have responded to the growing
cries and one-beep-for-yes's of the subhuman cripple by installing
not just handicapped stalls for the disabled, but entire private
handicapped washrooms. I assume it's to keep these people out of the
regular people's washroom, so we won't have to see them take out a
colostomy bag or pee out their ears or whatever the hell handicapped
people do. But on the plus side these washrooms are probably nicer
than the ones you have at home, and they offer a relaxing place to
relieve yourself after you're through feeling up the nappers. And
nothing turns me on like the thought of a quadriplegic taking a
dump.
-Shoplift from the Cafeteria:
Campus cafeterias are notoriously unguarded, the only employees
being old wrinkly ladies in hairnets and one burly, unreasonably
hairy man. What are they going to do about it? By the time you help
yourself to your 200th free slice of pizza you'll probably by
looking for a new challenge, in which case I suggest trying to steal
a periodical from the library. Fuck that place is harder to break
out of than a Chinese finger trap on the penis. Wily librarians.
-Visit the Gym: If you're a regular reader of this column
then you're probably already a
fitness afficionado. So what better
way to spend recess than like you did back in elementary school, by
running randomly and without purpose for a half hour or so. Only
this time, you won't be doing it outside with other people. Instead,
you will be running on a treadmill, which is the closest humans have
come to approximating a hamster wheel. After you're through, you not
only will feel like crap but you'll also smell extra ripe, which
ought to make you a hit with the ladies in your next class. And
don't even talk to me about using the gym showers. The day I shower
with other men is the day I get sent to prison for writing obscene
humor columns.
-Fake an Incurable Illness: Recess is the perfect time to put
Campus Health Services to the test. After all, you paid for these
quack doctors with your tuition money, so why not give them
something to do by inventing an aggressive, incurable disease and
maybe scoring some free prescription drugs in the bargain? The best
part is, since these doctors get paid per patient, there's no way
they'll call you on your fake-out ("Hey! You don't have leprosy!")
so you can take your lie to ridiculous extremes without any fear of
getting caught. I've had so many complimentary brain x-rays I'm
starting to develop superpowers.
-Suck Up To Professor During Office Hours: So you want an A+
without doing any work, but you don't want the rest of the class to
think you're a tool? Then visit the loneliest creature on campus,
the professor, during his office hours. It's important here that you
display an interest in the subject the prof teaches without
burdening him with questions. Pretend it's just a friendly visit,
that you found the class so darned interesting you just wanted to
thank him and you're thinking of maybe getting a graduate degree so
you can become more like him or her (but probably him). I guarantee
your next term paper will get a better grade than you deserve, but
you'll pay for it with your soul, which will shrivel up like a
raisin after 15 minutes of mindless professor-chat. Also you'll
probably go to hell for this.
-Pretend to Talk on Cell Phone: It's a well-known fact that
talking on a cell phone instantly implies an aura of importance.
This works even better if you sound really angry on the phone, as
though you're some sort of businessman negotiating the rest of this
analogy. Of course, you're NOT a businessman, and you probably don't
even have anyone to talk to, but nobody needs to know that. Just
yell random instructions into your cellie ("Buy! No, wait, Sell!")
and all the girls will be impressed and want to sleep with you. Be
sure you set your phone to vibrate first, though, or you could find
yourself in an embarrassing spot in the unlikely event that your
phone actually rings while you're pretending you have a life. Trust
me on this one.
-Visit Campus Computer Lab: The campus computer lab differs
from a CyberCafe in two ways. Firstly, everybody there is checking
their hotmail account and not playing Doom3. And second, there might
even be some girls there. The campus computer lab is one of the
easiest places on campus to score a date. All you need to do is
break the computer beside the one you're using, and when a hot girl
tries to use it but can't, suavely solve her problem for her. She'll
be eternally grateful and chicks swoon over a guy who knows his
TCP/IP protocols. They did a story about it in the campus newspaper.
-Atone for Your Sins: If you really find yourself in a bind,
head on over to the campus interfaith chapel and pray to Jesus,
Allah or Hannuklause to pardon you for reading through this column.
You'll probably see me there asking forgiveness for writing it.
|
Share this article
|
