Meet Your Meats: The Carnivore's Dilemma

My name is KC, and I'm a carnivore. (Hi, KC.)

Actually, I guess since I eat heaps of fruits and vegetables, that would make me an omnivore. Either or, I eat meat. It's something I've always done. I've quit here and there for health, religious, or the helluvit reasons, but it's just part of what I do. I'm not one of these, "Geez, you're a vegetarian? How do you live with yourself?" people.

I go by the reverse-Jewish rule of food: if the Chosen People don't eat it, it must be good.But there are the tofu-munching folks who ask, "How can you kill all those little animals for your food?" Well, the real deal is, most of those furry little bastards deserved it.

Now, I don't hate animals. In fact, I like them a lot more than I like most people, but there are still some annoying beasts out there. Here's why I eat (or don't eat) each of these animals.

The Domestic Dinners

Chickens

Bucket of KFC chickenTrue story, for my first job I worked the cash register at Kentucky Fried Chicken. I earned $4.35 an hour, which is almost what I make now. I don't hate chickens, I just hate the fact that Colonel Sanders infuses them with addicting chemicals that make fast food feasters go freaky Friday. So I suppose if chickens didn't taste so good, I wouldn't eat them. In other words, if every chicken tasted like KFC, I'd never eat them.

Cows

Cows are stupid and their farts pollute the earth. So it's every beefeater's duty to eat them so they don't burn a bigger hole in the ozone with their awful litterbugging ways. Plus, I'm incredibly thankful for the leather some 1970s cow gave me for my awesome Dennis Hopper in Easy Rider-esque jacket.

Pigs

Have you ever met a real hog bred for food? Not those cute little pot-bellied buggers, a true-blooded about-to-be-slaughtered, up-turned nose motherfucker? They're fucking mean—and my dogs like to eat their ears. So that's why I eat pork.

Turkeys

Turkey with cranberry sauceThanksgiving is amazing, especially because of white turkey meat. If I was to be executed, my last meal would be Thanksgiving dinner. I believe there is no amount of turkey breast with cranberry sauce I couldn't eat. I also believe there aren't enough grapes in the world to satisfy my hunger.

Sheep

I only own a few wool products, but I don't eat sheep. Not because I don't like the way they taste, I actually don't know what they taste like—except for gyros. But one time when I was a kid at a dinner party, I thought the mint jelly was green Jell-O, so I heaped spoonfuls of it on my plate. When I found out it was not the delicious green treat, but a gross condiment instead, I tried to throw it away, but my mom caught me and made me eat all of it. So fuck mint jelly and fuck eating mutton.

Goats

Goats are cool. They eat garbage and worship the devil. There is no point in killing them, unless you factor that maybe if you murder a goat they resurrect into an even more Satan-esque animal. Then it's okay to kill them. You can't win. If you strike a goat down, they shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Fish

I eat fish, but Kurt Cobain says they don't have feelings, so sorry fishy.

Shellfish

I've only eaten lobster once or twice. I gobble a ton of imitation crab meat though. I don't know if I've ever seen a live shrimp, but if I did, I don't know if I'd care, because I go by the reverse-Jewish rule of food: if the Chosen People don't eat it, it must be good. Therefore I eat pork and shellfish—but not Gefilte fish. That shit is just disgusting looking, like the frogs in seventh grade biology.

More Exotic Fare

Bison

Bison meat burgerThe Native Americans worshiped these creatures and found a use for every piece of the animal. Most University of Colorado students also worship the buffalo, only in the form of a fifth-rate college football team. While I do enjoy watching the games, I find most CU fans incredibly rude and annoying, so fuck their mascot. I'm eating it.

Frogs

I don't eat them. I had them as pets as a kid. They also eat bugs, and I hate bugs.

Alligators

I don't eat them either, mostly because they're cool. They sit around and from time to time eat a stupid dog or gazelle or whatever. I also fed alligators marshmallows during a trip to Florida. I thought that was cool. Plus, the Crocodile Hunter wouldn't eat an alligator, and he was a cool guy.

Insects

Man, I fucking hate bugs. I don't know if I'd want to eat one. Usually I just smash them with shoes. Do you just lick the guts off the soles of your sneakers? Deep fry 'em? Broil? Who knows? I have drunk tequila with a scorpion in it, which is kind of cool. It tasted like shit, but now I can tell people, "Hey, guess how cool I am, I drank tequila that was bottled with a scorpion. I'm so awesome."

Rabbit

Frozen rabbit meatThey're really cute and cuddly (except for when they're cannibals—ask a friend who works in a pet store, they'll tell you what I'm talking about). My dad said he used to raise them and eat them back when he was a kid. Naturally, I figured my father was full of shit. Until one day I accidentally ordered "coniglio" at an Italian restaurant. Well, that's rabbit. And it was amazingly delicious. So sorry, Bugs Bunny, I'll eat you.

Llama

I spent a lot of time at the zoo as a kid, which is one reason I know a lot about animals. I also know that if you spit on a llama, it'll spit back. Which makes them pretty cool animals. I don't know how you eat llama meat, but I bet it tastes like grass and dog turds—because that's what I used to feed llamas when I was a little bastard. I don't wear llama wool because hippies do, and everything a hippie does is wrong.

Ostrich

Angry ostriches Like I said earlier, I spent a lot of time at the zoo. By far the biggest cunts in cages are the ostriches. They peck at you and sometimes bite your baseball cap. Their craps smell really bad and their necks are gross. I've never eaten an ostrich or an emu, but I can't wait to start.

Cat

I hate cats. Mostly because I'm allergic, but also because felines never cease to suck. I also adore Chinese food, which probably means some female librarians, Twilight fans, and lesbians are missing their best friends. But fuck cats. If I wasn't allergic, I'd eat them. In fact, I might go to Koreatown every day, order cat, and not take a single bite just because I'd know that a cat would need to die for that meal.

Dog

Most dogs are cool. Some aren't. If somebody wants to eat an annoying dog, it's no skin off my back. But dogs have a personality. And they can't possibly taste that good. Plus, I feed my dogs my own boogers, so if I ate one of my dogs, that would mean I also eat boogers. Which I don't. I have been booger-free for almost twenty years....

Human

Hey, don't knock it if you haven't tried it. Vampires, zombies, sharks, and werewolves eat people. So they can't be that bad.




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Abby's picture

LOVE IT!!!! I'm a meat eating meat eater and agree with most of what is on your list (I can't bring myself to eating a cat and no, I'm not a librarian, Twi-hard or lesbian). If I was on death row, my last meal would probably be all meat. As much as I could eat without throwing up. Well, I'd be dead soon, so screw it! I'll throw up and make them bring me more!

Just because you're allergic to cats doesn't mean you can't eat them. You're (probably) allergic to their fur, not their meat. Have at it!

Fuck cats.

I was loving it until you said you hate cats. I love cats. They're cute and affectionate and funny. They have better personalities than dogs. They can't help it that you're allergic to them. :-(

Simply beautiful prose about our edible friends.

Gavin Pitt's picture

Dude, you hate bugs? That hurts me deep down in my cephalothorax. Bugs are people too- just little, hairy people with fangs and four extra legs...

Keen article. I've eaten emu in the past- think of a slightly gamier, much dumber tasting ostrich and you're in the ballpark (seriously, emus are the dumbest birds alive- I've seen one look up at the sky in surprise when it rained, forget to close its mouth, and drown)

what a fucking dick

wooow this shit was stupid

this guy's an idiot....

I like idiots, but only if they're funny.....he wasn't funny....

I'm a vegan, but I think I could bring myself to eat this guy if I ever had the chance.