College Quotes
"Dating is the most useless and rotten attempt by completely worthless individuals to establish a faulty image for somebody they wish to impress in a desperate, neurotic need for attention. Unfortunately, these phony people actually impress each other and end up producing ugly, noisy, gargoyle-like children. The genetic deformities inherent in the hideous smiles of their children only indicate the fact that they, like their parents, have NO FUTURES."
-Wesley, on the usefulness of dating
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The humbling account of one girl's journey through singledom as she pursues new adventures and relationships, yet always ends up fucking herself in the end.
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About Ashley Garmany
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Loveland, OH
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At a Glance
Ashley is a recent college grad, attempting to navigate her way through the real world. Not to be confused with The Real World. She wishes there were that many drunk people, walking around naked at her job. It would make the day go by faster.
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How to Spot a Fake Orgasm
I'll admit, I have faked many things in life: my knowledge on anything political (at the last election, I voted straight Whig Party); my ability to speak Spanish (burrito, casa, Selma Hayek); how to fix that rattling sound in my car (clearly, it was the dubilator, I don't care what the car mechanic said). But nothing have I faked more than an orgasm.
And the award for Best Actress goes to...I have faked an orgasm in every way it is possible to fake an orgasm. In a car, at a bar. Me on top, with a cop. Day and night, black and white. I'm like the Dr. Seuss of faking orgasms. I could write a book, complete with colorful illustrations. It probably wouldn't sell at most bookstores though. Well, children's bookstores. Probably one of those bookstores where the windows are blacked out and you have to go behind some type of curtain.
I know I'm not alone in this; most of my female friends have similar Wargasm stories. It's not for a lack of trying. I've gone in with every intention of getting off, my troops ready for battle along the front lines. I've even come (no, not that type of come) with a backpack full of ammunition and supplies: my lube, my vibrator, and my entire DVD collection of all movies starring Christian Bale. It's not for lack of enthusiasm and willingness to try. Most guys, as I have found through talking with other women, don't know what the hell they're doing down there. Seriously, do you know where the clitoris is? It's about three inches from where you think.
Not only are we fucking with no finish, we now have to go that extra mile to avoid bruising your delicate ego.Guys, I'm going to help you out here. I'm going to go against Woman Code and tell you how to spot a fake orgasm. To be honest, this is more for the potential women you hook up with in the future than yourselves, so really I'm doing a service to both sexes.
Clue #1 She's Faking: She Comes Within the First Five Minutes
Allow me to let you in on a little secret: it takes a lot longer for a woman to reach the point of climax than it does a man. Women require foreplay. And in some cases, fiveplay. Maybe even sixplay. You gotta run the car a little bit before it heats up. I'm not saying you need to wine and dine us, I'm saying you need to at least put in some lip service. And by "lip service," I don't mean we need you to tell us how pretty we are or how insightful this morning's episode of The View was. The last thing I want to think about when I'm naked and spread-eagle is Whoopi Goldberg. I mean a little making out, a little groping.
If you are with a girl and she comes within minutes of having sex, oral or whichever sexual method you prefer, she is faking it. I know what most of you men are thinking: But what if I—-No. She's faking it. She either wants to make you feel better about yourself or she wants to get it over with so she can catch the last five minutes of Conan.
It's not your fault you've been fooled into believing she really just arrived, so to speak. The porn industry has done a great disservice to women: it has made men think that it is entirely possible for us to come just by sticking it in. All lies. Remember that. Just as most things in life, rewards are obtained by hard work and effort. Such is the cause with the elusive female climax.
Clue #2 She's Faking: She's Really...Excited
I love a good performance as much as the next person and trust me, some women can put on one hell of a performance. The thrashing, the moaning, the hair pulling. The trouble comes (again, not that type of come) in determining if you really just made her entire body go numb or if you just made her a front-runner for the Oscar for Best Actress (in this case, men, it is NOT an honor just to be nominated). Not only are we fucking with no finish, we now have to go that extra mile to avoid bruising your delicate ego. If I wanted to work that hard, I would've stayed home and actually learned Spanish.
But how to tell the difference between a performance and the real thing? This can be especially tricky, as some women are screamers, some are whimperers, and some are silent. I can't even say to simply look at her personality, because some of the shyest, quietest ones are the loudest. The important thing is to look for keywords. Imagine you are typing what she says into the Google search engine. That feels good. Google search results: real orgasm. Oh yeah, right there. Google search results: real orgasm. You're so big, you barely fit. Google search results: hahahahaha, fake. You're the best I've ever had! Google search results: yeah, you wish.
Clue #3 She's Faking: She Comes All the Time
If you are with someone on more than one occasion (some call this a relationship, some call it a fuck-buddy, some call it a mistake they made over and over again for three years. Wait, where was I?), then this one is more applicable to your sexuation. I don't care who she is, no woman comes every single time. If you find yourself saying, But my girlfriend does! She's faking it.
I mean, don't get me wrong, when I RSVP to a party, I make it my business to come. Sometimes, however, I end up showing up really late...or I get too drunk and forget to show up at all. The same could be said for my orgasm. Sometimes I need to polish myself off in the bathroom afterwards under the guise that I'm peeing. Sometimes I'm so exhausted from pretending that you satisfied me, I'm ready to just roll over and call it a night.
Once you've faked an orgasm with a guy, you have to fake it all the time. Because if you fake it twice, then decide to stop, you're going to raise some red flags. I mean, I've fake-fucked my way through entire relationships with the guy being none the wiser (I've now made every guy I've ever dated who is reading this suddenly begin to question his sexual abilities. You should. You aren't as good as I made you believe you were. I deserve an Oscar. Or at least, a Golden Globe...you, on the other hand, should learn how to handle my Golden Globes).
Seriously guys, it's not a Rubik's Cube. It's a vagina. If man can invent the wheel, discover penicillin, and allow Dane Cook to have an acting career, he can sure as hell figure out how the female anatomy works. Don't be afraid to ask questions, ask for tips, ask for a diagram. An orgasm is a big thing in a relationship. Or a memorable one-night stand. Would you want to continue screwing someone if you never orgasmed? No. So why would we?
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This will definitely hurt my future chances with you, but I'm not Andrei so I don't really care. Plus I'm married.
Fun fact: we have known but we currently don't care. It's like a car that is broken but sometimes acts normal. We're okay with it acting like it isn't broken, even if it is. Getting shit fixed is hard.
As for foreplay, sometimes we don't want to warm up the car. So we jump in and if we get to our destination before it gets hot, then so be it. Who cares if the air is blowing cold but gauge reads hot? It's when the car breaks down and weeps because of the apparent lack of emotional connection that is exasperating. Wouldn't it be nice if the car tried to turn me on for a change? Wouldn't it help me feel like the car loves me? Wouldn't it help if the car was actually into me? If only a car that isn't into me would just let me go instead of clinging like a used Ford Taurus with transmission issues.
^This is wall-of-text truthiness.
Wonder if it hurts my future chances with her too, though...
i like that shit right there. i feel the same way about things. she can get up and try to turn me on buit she dont . im the proublem, but i see she is the proublem of this because she nver gets up and try to turn me on. instead she wants to hang out with the guy that works with her that got everything, and she wants me to marrie her. you are the ttruth brother keep up the good work!
I can tell you why "Some" women fake orgasm. They have a mouth but use it entirely for the wrong purpose. There IS no need to fake. Just tell the guy what you like, what he is doing wrong. Forget his tinny ego. If that gets hurt then he is there for ALL the wrong reasons and you should kick his sorry ass outta there.
Talk about it, its not some sacred secret.
We could dicker all day on whose fault it may be. Regardless if men are aware and don't care, or if it is partly our fault, (which as a women I can say there have been times when I probably should have instructed or put on a little bit more of a show but...) most importantly to me, this was well written, hilarious and I loved it! Have girlfriends been talking about this for a long time...yup, you bet, probably just about as long as guys have shared locker stories, so there, we are all even. Looking at it from just a wanna-be-writer viewpoint...excellent and brilliantly written!
it is you alls fault, need to get the lazyness out of you alls body and start caring. us men do care it is just like you all want us to do everything that is not good and yes , if you women feel that we don't care then we are not going to care because we can feel it and see it in your eyesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss! lol
O.k. let's blow this thing wide open Garmsy, (Yes, I know, right now you are thinking, "that's what she said.")
While it's no secret that I completely advocate communication when it comes to sex, which let's face it will probably cause most women to cum on the spot anyway, there is something I would like to point out.
These guys are either stupid (very likely) or just don't give a shit (even more likely as Weijore pointed out).
You can't fake bodily fluid and if you have any fucking clue what you are doing with a vagina then you can tell when a woman "actually" cums. There is no amount of acting classes in the world that can fake a rush of fluid from the inside of her body and certainly not more than once! That's right, I said it, more than once! Come on you fucking under achievers and get with the program! She should be cumming multiple times before you even attempt to go inside her! (Although, I still can't figure out how even once could be believably faked without some elaborate internal tubing contraption, coupled with a reservoir of some kind).
When a woman cums, the internal dynamics change and frankly the friction changes which the guy would/should notice if he had even half a brain, wasn't completely drunk off his ass, or even remotely gave a shit.
The bigger question here ladies is WHY are you fucking guys who don't have half a brain, are completely drunk off their asses, or don't even remotely give a shit to put any effort into foreplay?! Frankly that is on you and your ridiculously shitty choices in men.
You know what I call a guy who isn't interested in spending some actual quality time with a woman's body?
GAY!
Weijore,
You're taking the lyrics of that song too literally. This isn't what they are talking about when they sing, "You'll be wrapped around my finger."
>>You know what I call a guy who isn't interested in spending some actual quality time with a woman's body? GAY!<<
Tough to argue that one!
I think a good, healthy woman's body is a work of art. If it is attached to a bitch, it doesn't matter what it looks like.
(SNL...Oh no..."The Ladies Man" meant 135-140 when he said heavy...LOL)
My experience (I'm 46) comes from a different generation. If you showed a woman you actually gave a fuck what she had to say, usually the sex was really great. And if you didn't care what she had to say, why would you waste your time unless you were dumb as a box of rocks? (well, some guys have to be out there to make us look like prime rib) I'd rather put two pieces of liver between a radiator and get up early and golf.
First off, I can tell the difference. Or maybe I'm just delusions. Or perhaps every girl is a filthy liar. Either or, it's not likely to get a girl off every single time. I do my best, but if I'm not getting results, instructions or hints, I just say, "My turn." Sometimes, it's just not going to happen. Hell, I fake orgasms from time to time. Not because there's something wrong with her skills or (more importantly) me, it's mostly because I'm bored and want to go to sleep.
You fake orgasms with women because you're bored and want to make the sex stop?
Huh, that's...um, interesting.
I think you are right, maybe you're just "delusions."
Yep, I spelled "delusional" wrong.
And I've also performed some marathon sex, drunk sex and sex with dead fish-type women. There's a point when I say, "This isn't going to work for either of us. I'm going to spare her the psychological damage and pretend."
I always attempt to make sex fun for both parties involved, but sometimes, it just doesn't happen. Or I don't have enough time. Or I just don't feel like teaching a girl about her own anatomy.
Andrei, when you start sleeping with real women, not the $2 prostitutes you're used to, you'll find that some girls just can't or won't have orgasms when other people are present.
Also if you think you're giving your girl a Big O every time, see Ashley Garmany's Clue #3.
Haha! Not surprisingly, Weijore blows his wad before everyone has finished.
;)
Or is it that you haven't noticed that it happened and you're still pumping like you're Sting's tantra master as you sing Roxanne; meanwhile the thought, "god, is he done yet?" floats through the other person's mind.
Listen I understand that you think you're the ultimate male lover for women. You've established that every opportunity you've gotten.
You're a lecturer on female anatomy but the things you say lead me to believe one of two things.
Either,
You're actually not experienced or have limited experience with actual sex.
or,
You're a self diluted insensitive sexual partner who has no idea that you actually suck.
Sex isn't perfect every time, and if you think it is, then you're one of those two things. I can tell you've read a lot of books on female and male sexuality but it doesn't seem like you've gotten much farther then the part with the most pictures. There are lots of reasons why men and women become disinterested with sex while having it; if you can admit that, then I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. But as of now, you come off as naive or holier than thou pumpin in a peow peow* (Holy Fuck OW!).
*made up term for vagina, rhymes with OW!
Haha! Weijore, clearly I've struck a nerve here which I knew would happen when I said, "let's blow this thing wide open" in my original comment, but let me clarify a few things for you.
I never ONCE proclaimed to be the ultimate male lover for women, that sex is "perfect" every time, OR that there aren't any reasons why men and women become disinterested with sex while having it. All of that is simply ridiculous.
I did however proclaim, as my column description states, that I am someone "crazy enough to tell you the truth and leave you questioning your own reality."
Riddle me this, Batman: Why on earth if something wasn't working during sex would a man OR a woman just repeatedly keep doing it anyway instead of simply (as I have stated multiple times here) communicating with your partner as to a better way to go about it so that everyone involved is happy? "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."
It's likely one of two things.
Either,
It's about a set of matching his & hers egos. She doesn't want to "seem difficult" or be "overly demanding" and also she doesn't want to shatter his fragile ego in the process.
or,
It's about not caring enough about the other person to actually give a shit, which given your original comment you've already volunteered.
So here is where I leave you questioning your own reality Weijore:
Why, please tell me why, you don't care that she isn't getting where she's going, but you are happy with you regularly getting there...even if you get there alone? I know I certainly wouldn't be satisfied with that state of affairs, even if I was the one regularly getting off. I guess the bigger question is, why are you? I know how much you like a good challenge, Weijore, so I am going to issue a good one to you. I dare you to ask her and actually listen to (and follow through with) what she says. Trust me, it will be a win/win situation for you. ;)
Please, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to come off as holier than thou, I'm just saying that the reason most men don't know the first thing about getting a woman off, is because the first thing is usually about asking for directions.
;)
The truth is bro, you haven't been with enough women to see your glaring error. I've only been with one and I've run into this problem. Some women, no matter emotionally intelligent a man is, will never be able to tell you what they want when it comes to sexuality. The man (or other woman if gay) has to figure it out, or neither of them will enjoy the activity.
Also, you are holier than thou even if you say you aren't because you pretend to be a sexual expert and to know things about the way that I act in bed. I have never talked about how I act in bed in normal situations. I may have commented about my reaction might be to a fake orgasm, but I can honestly say that it hasn't happened because my wife isn't willing. I was merely pointing out that a fake orgasm is a false communication that gets neither party what they want... Unless, neither of them want to be having sex at that particular moment. Then it would be like, "Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh, yes, good night." Both people then roll over thinking, "finally, what I really want, sleep." I'm completely sure that happens. I wouldn't know though because my wife would feel really uncomfortable faking an orgasm.
The funny thing about your sexual guidance is that in it you presume lots of things, and not just of the males, though you do assume that every other male that comments must be mindless insensitive cavemen put on earth for you to condescend. You assume every woman knows exactly what gets them off, has the will to express it, and can effectively communicate what feels good versus what doesn't. Some women can't do that. My wife feels shame about talking about what feels good probably because she was sexually assaulted when she was younger. She can't "explore" her sexuality with another person because of a feeling that she has caused by that past sexual assault. Considering something like one in four woman have been sexually assaulted, it shouldn't be surprising that similar situations exist else where. Furthermore, one in five women can't even achieve orgasm (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anorgasmia/DS01051). Simply communicating about what feels good often isn't an option either because the woman isn't willing to talk about pleasure or can't achieve an orgasm, which in both cases is no person's fault; that's just reality.
So chill out on the sexual advice. I've read lots of books, been to marriage counseling, and have never had trouble getting my wife off (when she was my girlfriend there was a learning curve, but I was highly motivated). Also, maybe listen to what other men say because they're not all idiots who only care about blasting facials at a bukkake. They might know a thing or two about sex that the woman you're with won't.
Uh oh, the shit's gettin' real now, isn't it?
Weijore, I've read your comment at least three times and I can honestly say that I got dizzy every single time I read it. Perhaps some serious post traumatic-editing is in order here. Get it? Post traumatic-editing instead of post-traumatic...never mind, being funny at this point would just be awkward, wouldn't it?
So...
You've run into this problem...yet you haven't had this problem?
You've never talked about how you act in bed...but you were just talking about how you would act?
You're completely sure something happens...yet you wouldn't know though?
You've never had trouble getting your wife off...yet somehow this goes against what I am saying?
You were merely pointing out that a fake orgasm is a false communication that gets neither party what they want...yet somehow you still disagree with me?
Seriously, Weijore, I can honestly say that you've completely confused the hell out of me, so let's do this...let's just say that YOU are the exception and probably SHOULDN'T be communicating about sex...like...um...EVER!
:P
I was wondering how you might try to invalidate a logically sound argument that conflicts with your world view. Now I know.
Wait, there was a logically sound argument that conflicts with my world view?
Shit, I guess I missed that.
:P
So what you are saying Casey is that sometimes sleeping with you is really a no win situation for everyone involved? I guess I can totally see what you are saying when you put it that way.
Not for nothing though, but I do think it is really sweet that you spare "some" of these women the psychological damage that you usually inflict when sleeping with them.
As far as me with $2 prostitutes or there being women that can't or won't have orgasms all the time when other people are present, I think it is probably best for everyone to hold on tight to those ideas, for now, so everyone can actually sleep better at night. At least until you find the right person and realize it's all complete horse shit to make you feel better about your own personal situation or shortcomings.
Here's a little glimpse into reality though, Casey, if you actually communicate with your sexual partner then there simply isn't a need for ANYONE to fake an orgasm when you can simply change what isn't working to something that actually does.
When you finally realize in your life that I was right all along, try not to get too bent out of shape about it, even if technically you are still thinking about me during sex, I'm sure that's normal.
;)
This is actually very true. A lot of men think just because they can't get certain women off doing the same thing to each one that it is the woman's problem. It isn't. It is the man's problem for not finding out what gets each woman off. I know, I used to be one of these women who thought they couldn't at all until I found out that I could every time with a man who took the time to find out what worked for me.
Quod Erat Demonstrandum
This is all I'm talking about, guys. (Thanks Sara for the back up)
I'm not professing to already know how to get each individual woman to orgasm, but nine times out of ten THE WOMAN KNOWS as demonstrated by Ashley's statement, "Sometimes I need to polish myself off in the bathroom afterwards under the guise that I'm peeing" thereby demonstrating that SHE knows how to get herself there, but it was the guy that doesn't.
So why not simply ask the woman what works for her? I mean what are we really overly discussing here, that we SHOULDN'T care enough to communicate with our sexual partners?! I mean, come on, if you can stick your dick in her you should at the very least be able to ask her a fucking question about it. <-In this case it really is a "fucking question".
;)
I think both you guys are right. Communication and consideration from the man is the key. But so too is an ability for a woman to be honest, open, know her body and trust in the man. Some women can't do that, for many, many reasons inclusing sexual assault, upbringing and the fact that they actually don't know (i think 5-10% of women haven't orgasmed on their own) - our Western society has only recently placed an importance on female orgasm, compared, say, with oriental cultures, yet many women of today are still a product of Victorian values.......
No dude, drunken marathon sex is not the same as romantic-I-love-you sex. It's great, but after a couple of hours it's time to take a fucking smoke break and grab a snack. Sometimes neither person comes, and you have to just pass out and finish in the morning. That doesn't mean it was a waste of time for either party involved or that it's not a fine way to spend an evening. Sometimes you just get tired and decide it's time to stop because it's 5am and the neighbors are getting pissed.
You do realize that not every sexual statement someone else makes is filled with exaggeration and lies based on their insecurity, ignorance, or distorted perception of reality, right? There are plenty of people that fuck all the time and know what they're doing. Just because they don't explain every detail of their sexual prowess, stamina, technique, conversations before/during/after, etc. doesn't mean those factors aren't present, it just means they're making a casual sex anecdote vaguely alluding to their own experiences without trying to make it SUPER VIVID AND CREEPY. It's a comedy forum, people. Put your pants back on unless you're making a joke.
And Weijore, stop talking about your wife.
(Andrei whispers): "Shhhhhh, Pretentious Troll...just go with it Mike."
You can take that pretentious troll and shove it right up your ass. And, cut your hair, either that or complete the look by getting an early nineties hot-pink one piece sun glasses. Andrei "the Hitman" Trostel ladies and gentlemen. If only Court could offer you a twenty year contract only to stab you in the back.
HAHA!
Andrei "the Hitman" Trostel...I like it!
I've been at Points in Case for almost three years now and somehow still people don't know that starting a comment thread with my name or writing me into an article is a dangerous business. Maybe a badass nickname would help in that regard.
;)
I wish your stage name was Whisky Dick, because you're like the Mick Foley of PiC and Tricky Dick is too closely associated with Nixon.
Here's a little glimpse of reality, Andrei, I work a job demanding my mental, physical and emotional capabilities. Sometimes, I'm not in the mood or too tired to keep going on during a sexual experience. On a rare occasion, I'm too drunk. To "spare" a girl the psychological damage to a female that sometimes, sex with a condom doesn't do it for me, I fake it. It's a lot easier than explaining that I'm too tired. It's a Hell of a lot easier than explaining that I still find her attractive, boobs are still nice, butt isn't too big, etc.
Am I breaking some sort of sacred trust with these girls? If it's just sex, I think not. I'm not out to lower anybody's self esteem. If women can fake it from time to time, I can too. For the most part, I communicate just fine with my ladyfriends. If a woman doesn't want to tell me what works, and I can't figure it out, well, her loss.
The best plans don't always work. What used to work might not always work. I do my best all the time to make things work, and if they don't, I don't cry about it.
Hold tight to your ideas that you're always right, Andrei, because sooner or later that will get you somewhere. In a perfect world, women would be orgasming constantly and "Firefly" would still be on television. However, the reality is that some women can't get off. Some never learn how, some find out the magical way later on in life. But, it's a fact, some women don't have orgasms, with people or without people.
I have plenty of shortcomings, and I am man enough to admit that. To assume that there's something wrong with me because from time to time I don't get a girl off, she fakes it or I fake it - is just nonsense.
Maybe I'm not the sexual genius you are, or think you are. But you were never "right all along." You are the one who constantly blabs about how you know how to please a woman. I will admit, you make a minor point from time to time, but most often your points are saturated in smugness.
I don't know what kind of weird sexual fetish enjoyment you may get from thinking that I fantasize about you when I'm having intercourse, but I don't. Never had, never will. I'd rather stick my dick in a cheese grater than think about you just about any time. But maybe next time I want to make a comment that makes me seem like a smug know-it-all, I'll mentally consider, "Hold on, I don't want to appear like Andrei."
Wait, Firefly isn't on television anymore?!
Fuck, no wonder all these women aren't orgasming, the men have all completely died on the inside! :P
Casey, by now, you of all people should know when someone is deliberately fucking with you, but maybe you are just too tired to notice.
Here's a tip, if you want me to stop messing with you, or pointing out how you are always thinking about me, then you might want to stop continually writing about me in your articles. You're almost up to double digits here which makes the fact that you aren't thinking about me regularly hard to sell to the masses.
Oh and one more thing, my points aren't most often saturated in smugness, they are ALWAYS saturated in smugness...that is, if you take me seriously, which is another thing you should know better than to do.
See you next time you write about me Casey!
;)
Comment edit the very next day:
Shit Casey, that didn't take long at all did it?
http://twitter.com/MRkcFreeman/status/35399300615766016
You might want to clean your cheese grater...immediately! :P
HAHA!
*after spitting mountain dew all over her computer*
I F@#$ing love this website!
And we fucking love you too Sara, so much we got you this profile as a gift.
http://www.pointsincase.com/user/register
;)
Andrei's just trying to get in your pants. The difference between what he does and what caveman did is that cavemen were more successful.
Interesting side note: going clubbing, for men, has always had the same objective. Find the hottest chick (name cragg), bounce your wood off her, and get her back to your place for a night cap.
Weijore, please don't frighten the readers. Contrary to what you are used to, we actually want them to keep cumming regularly.
:P
andrei's been getting into my pants for a while now, even if he doesn't know about it and I always come.
Good then we are even for all the times you made me blush reading your material.
"all the times"
I don't know Sara, it still sounds like you have some catching up to do.
;)
That's just totally untrue, actually. There was a good chunk of time when I just couldn't orgasm at all, by myself or with my partner, and it took a year of building up trust for it to ever happen. It was entirely in my head, and nothing anyone could have done or said would have changed it. During that time it was better (in my opinion) to fake it than to make my boyfriend feel inadequate, since it was entirely unrelated to him.
So much of the female orgasm is mental that a good part of the time the man can't really do much to help. It doesn't make him inadequate for not finding the one, magical thing that will get her off.
I think we can all agree at this point that you are a latecomer.
;)
I had a similar experience and I was the same way but in the end I was still able to as you were also. When you are there you think you can't but when you do you realize you can. It is absolutely part mental. I'm sorry but the type of man you are with certainly influences a woman's state of mind, body and spirit. I think the women who can't just haven't yet or are with the wrong type of man. It's one of those age old debates that can't be won since no one knows the future or what might have been under different conditions.
It sounds to me like we need a randomized, double-blind, placebo-controlled, multi-tiered, reverse-roofie, Viagra fuck test to sort this all out.
Sign up today!
HAHA!
;)
That's one of the problems with being a Gay man. Orgasms are very, very hard to fake :)
I've lived a long time and every word you wrote is true!! The good news is when you get older you take the time to find the man with a desire to please and someone that has read, researched the subject and knows what he's doing! Our grandparents hid the best secret ever...it only gets better with age. Thus...no need to ever fake again!
To be honest, I have faked every time with everyman. Because I don't want to hurt their feelings. Then they want to have sex and I don't. I end up faking to get them off of me. I know if I did have a real one, they could tell to because when I cum there are FLUIDS! I repeat, THERE ARE FLUIDS! Clear fluids will come out. The whole flexing vagina and tensing up is a show. Something will come out if it's real. Other than that...
I'm yanking your chain or pitying you.
I stopped having sex with men for a
while and started with women because
they kind of know what to do better.
That and there's the whole limp problem,
premature ejaculation, size, or lack of effort.
The biggest factor is body and effort which I must say,
females have always had a better body [lack of body hair, smell, etc.]
I give both an equal chance and I put in a good amount of effort but I decided to no longer spare anyone's feelings. Men can fake love and women can fake orgasms.
Well if you don't notice the fluids or the muscle spasms or the dilating of the eyes, or the retreat of the clitoral hood; then she's obviously faking.
There should be a certain point (especially if you've been faking all the time) that you just close your legs or come to terms with the fact that you're far too hard to please. Especially if orgasming -every- time is -obviously- fake. There's absolutely no leeway, thus giving the impression that women are far too hard to please, and its generally not worth the effort.
I haven't had sex, nor do I plan to in my lifetime(I've been going strong with no problem so far) because:
1.) Women these days are far too slutty for me to even want to touch them with a 10-foot pole.
2.) Expectations are far too high from someone who generally does so little in comparison.
3.) The emotions. Sweet Jesus the emotions. I can't deal with someone who "loves" me one second, and then wants to murder me slowly the next day to their uterine lining shredding. (Or any other day. Doesn't even have to be a cycle week.)
4.) Lack of intelligence due to the craving for sex, Twilight, some faggy boyband, or any male Disney shits onto a stage.
5.) I've seen what affect women/sex have on my friends. Last thing I need is some walking mouth that makes me want to kill myself. (them first)
Oh and I don't believe in love or anything of that nature so I guess that could be a factor too.
Perhaps I should have said "Reasons for never getting a girlfriend."
I have a lot of female friends though, ironically.
1.) Sluts are awesome. Condoms are cheap. You are a coward.
2.) If you can't meet someone's expectations, lower them, or try harder, or stop being a lapdog. And wait, in comparison to what? Don't go out of your way to be nice to a girl and buy her a bunch of useless crap just so you can bitch about it later. Think 75% jerk, 25% nice guy. Not 75% nice guy, 25% whiny bitch. You'd be surprised how much more laidback and charismatic the jerks are in comparison to the "disgruntled nice guy" that has no idea why he doesn't get laid or why girls leave him. Why do girls like bastards? Because when a bastard is nice to you, you know he actually means it.
3.) Crazy chicks are an aquired taste. Befriend them or tune them out, but arguing is useless.
4.) Are we talking about grown-ups here?
5.) Your friends are emo.
Good luck on your quest to never ever get laid for your entire life. Try not to become a serial killer.
Seriously. I worry about you. Don't start killing strippers or anything weird like that.
1.) Have fun with your various STDs. There's a difference between cowardice and common sense.
2.) I don't mean -my- expectations. All I expect you to do is not be a total bitch that makes contorted facial expressions at the smallest things. I mean their expectations. They may start off small, sure. But then they evolve to some ridiculous thing that you don't want to put up with.
3.) Its not healthy to just "accept" the types of females that might end up killing you. You've just given up at that point.
4.) The craving for sex occurs from teenage to adulthood. Women's sexual desire peaks around 30 years of age. Some "young adults" like Twilight.(20+ years of age) There are still young women that rave over faggy boybands, yes. And the "Any male Disney shits onto a stage" occurs during adolescence, and starts the entire chain of retardation. i.e. Beaver Fever.
5.)They weren't always emo. Oddly enough, this occurred not from a bad breakup, but from events during the relationship. Frankly, my friends were the retarded ones in this instance.
Maybe I'll end my quest if I find some female that isn't batshit stupid/insane/clingy/emotional/expensive. I don't intend on looking, anyway. To save myself the trouble.
I wouldn't kill a stripper because I'd never go to a strip club. I'd take a good book over any form of sexual stimulation any day.
If you let girls treat you like shit, they will.
Just because a girl says you have to do something doesn't mean you have to do anything you don't want to. Stand up for yourself, don't mindlessly follow orders then brood about it because you think you're being controlled or manipulated.
If you expect a girl to act like a bitch, she will.
If you're not comfortable with yourself, you will make other people uncomfortable.
If you're always paranoid and defensive, people will always argue with you.
If you eliminate the ones that are too slutty/dumb/crazy/whatever, don't expect the perfect girl to give you any more of a chance than the girls you turn away without bothering to get to know.
Relax. You're way too intense.
I'm not intense at all. I'm quite laid back.
I wouldn't do what they said if I didn't want to. I'd explain to them why that's retarded and be done with it. But that results in breakups at times. And we're talking -keeping- a girlfriend.
While that comment is stupid, I don't expect any girl to be a bitch. Whenever a girl approaches me with hostility, I generally just joke around and make them laugh. I figure that's better than pushing them away with my palm on their entire face. I have a majority of female friends due to humor. Meh.
I'm neither paranoid nor defensive. Well I may be a tad bit paranoid, but for good reason. Assassins and such lurking about. If someone were to come up to me and insult me, I'd agree with their insult and add another one for them to use, simply to avoid a pointless argument.
I'm indifferent about myself.
I'm not saying I'd ignore them or whatever. I'm just saying I wouldn't date nor sleep with them. My friends tend to fall in one or more of those categories. That doesn't mean I intend to abandon them. I just wouldn't try to get in their pants, or let them get in mine.
I'm not looking for the perfect girl. I'm not looking for anyone at all. And if said girl was really perfect for me, she probably wouldn't approach me, and I wouldn't approach her either.
Besides, from the way people talk about the shortcomings of sex in today's world, I figure I'm better off without it. Some would consider sex a drug.
If I'm crazy for not wanting to fuck someone I'm incompatible with, sanity is way out of my league.
See, who would have guessed that Ashley likes turtles "that way" if she didn't communicate it to us?
:P
I don't think that's what she was communicating.
I think she was pointing out the ridiculous fact that her comment thread has been turned into a dick waving contest with disinterested females shaking their heads in acknowledging disgust because something that was supposed to be about women was turned into this dick waving contest yet again. It's a perfect illustration of why a woman might fake an orgasm. The only difference here is that one of us dudes needs to fake a conclusion/give up/put their dick back in their pants. Otherwise, this could go on forever.
PS: Anything of mine is always L+1 (L being equal to any other man's anything.)
Exactly.
You all have big penises and are amazing in bed. Cool? We can all stop arguing now.
Awww come on Ashley, I was having so much fun!
If I distract you with a video of a zombie boy can I still play?
No? Not so much?
Fine.
:P
"Maybe I'll end my quest if I find some female that isn't batshit stupid/insane/clingy/emotional/expensive. . ."
Hahaha, let me know if you ever find one of those. That's the day I turn lesbian.
I know lots of girls like that, they're just slutty and distant. But then again, that's kinda my type. Plus, they wouldn't be into that guy. That guy is crazy.
Did anybody else just get really optimistic about this guys chances?
I'm a woman and I dont agree with the author saying if a woman cums fast, she is faking. It's hard for me to cum with just penetration but I also cannot cum without
Penetration. I like to let my husband cum in me and then use fingers to help me
Climax. The feel of the cum helps me to reach orgasm within a minute or less. My point is, every woman is different and is not faking if she 'o' within 5 minutes or less.
Many of my girlfriends cum as fast too.
My wife is 45 and we started dating when she was 22. And I know at a party my friends want to nail her as she is better looking than their wives. Plus she is 5'10" and that's a lot of leg! Never marry a high school sweetheart. It's a poor match 9 of 10 times.
She cannot understand how it's possible that women do not have orgasms, or that half have difficulty. A slow night for her is six. I was on a business trip 10 years ago and admit that the pay-per-view lesbian flick was entertaining. She accused me of having slept with someone as I had new "tricks". Yes, that new trick of the flick of the tongue and the tease at times brings the word, "Oh God please suck it" when she can't stand it anymore (20-30 minutes)....as well as well as "slow down....just tease me". What better way to pleasure a woman's pussy as another woman does because I figured what the heck, I'm not going to ask my wife what the best way to give a hand job. Yeah, good movie, whatever it was....best $12 I ever spent...LOL
Phrases to know that a woman is NOT faking it:
-"If you stop I swear I'll kill you!"
-"No..No..NOOOO...it's too sensitive" (immediately after a lot moaning)
- Uncontrollable bucking of the pelvis such that you think your nose was spiked up into your brain by a sudden elevation off the bed of her butt.
-"Oh my GOD...If you cheat on me I'll fucking kill you" (she would dump me)
And last but not least.....(drum roll)...pillow pulled over head to cover screaming and right after, the words. "when the heck are these kids going to move out?"
These sensations of hers are greatly enhanced by 1/2 a bottle of wine and a Remy Martin or two. Yes, I ply my trade with alcohol at times.
I love this article but I do disagree with one point: If a woman cums under 5 minutes, it doesn't mean she's faking.
If I am going to have an orgasm, then it happens in less than 5 minutes. Usually, if I'm going to cum it takes 1-2 minutes. Every woman is different and I have never faked it either. Why fake it? I'm not going to give undeserved credit to a guy just to boost his ego.
And guys need to realize that, at least for me, I don't need to cum every time because I know I'm not going to. I enjoy sex for sex and if an orgasm happens, then great, if not, try again later. Sometimes I can't focus, usually before I even start foreplay or sex I'll know if it's gonna happen or not. Sex isn't just about orgasm, it can feel good without it to (shocking!). And honestly whoever said a girl gets wetter during orgasm, untrue, how wet a girl is has nothing to do with how turned on she is despite popular belief (look it up). And plus orgasm has little to do with what the guy does, sorry. I know what works for me and how to get myself there, a guy can only help me but he can't MAKE me cum. A guy can be fantastic in bed, but my head's not in it and it doesn't happen. Another guy could be terrible but I'm really horny and I do cum. And now that I'm married, I find that the chances of me having an orgasm do not correlate with the amount of foreplay, techniques used, anything like that. It's random. It happens quickly, or it doesn't happen. Don't blame the guys for being bad in bed, blame yourself for being distracted. Plus, I know some girls who complain about how terrible their boyfriend/husband is in bed, but also say that they can't orgasm alone. How is that his fault?
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