Cure for the Bible Bump

All that ganglion cyst needs is to put the fear of God on it.

Is it wrong to want to smash a coffee mug into some woman's wrist if it's for her own good? Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here. I should provide you with the back story first and then ask you the question.

It all started a long time back when I went out and bought a pair of rollerblades. I didn't know a damn thing about rollerblading other then it looked somewhat entertaining and seemed a socially acceptable way of getting an adrenaline fix. Besides, I already did the Halloween, ten story, rappel off of A-dorm with a pumpkin on my head. I scaled the walls of the lab building to use the science department's telescope to look at the stars. I stole the school blueprints in order to navigate the underground tunnels of the campus. I even broke into the basement of the clock tower in order to have all the time in the world to Jumar up a rope, from the inside, in order to get to the top of it.

No, I needed something more mainstream and more importantly, acceptable to campus security, in order to get my kicks. So I went to the local sporting goods store and bought myself a pair of rollerblades.

No skating or rollerblading sign on a tennis courtThe salesman either took one look at my long hair and figured I knew everything there was to know about rollerblades, or he just didn't give a shit—either way he failed to mention that I should also buy wrist guards. I took my new purchase home and immediately found my way to the campus tennis courts. Yeah, yeah, Court, I know, skateboards and roller blades ruin the surface of a tennis court and....just shut the hell up. I needed a flat surface to figure those things out without killing myself.

After a while, I got what I "thought" was fairly proficient in stopping, turning etc. I was ready for the open road. I put on my rollerblades and made my way down a street that had very little traffic on it. It wasn't so hard, and it was kind of cool but I could definitely see that until I learned all those crazy tricks, I likely would be having more run-ins with Bob (oh, he's the head of security—we're on a first name basis).

Road ends 500 feet signI passed a sign that said, "road ends around bend 500 feet," thinking I would just turn around when the road ended I kept going around the bend. What the sign failed to mention was that not only did the road end there, but apparently the entire world ended there too, and that 500 feet they casually mentioned was actually a 60 degree down slope. Picking up speed faster than a tweeker left alone inside a meth lab, I applied the oh so handy but completely useless plastic rollerblade brake, leaning back slightly on one foot.

Yeah, that thing worked fine on a tennis court, but it wasn't doing shit for me on a 60 degree decline.

Fortunately for me, the side of the road was a nice grassy embankment and instead of quite literally rolling off the face of the earth I decided to aim my body toward the embankment. I mean what was the worst that could happen? I would likely just slam into it and leave a Wiley Coyote/Andrei-shaped impression in the grass. It seemed like a good plan at the time and everything was going fine except, "OH SHIT, GRAVEL...WAIT WHO THE FUCK WOULD PUT GRAVEL ON THE SIDE OF A ROAD?!"

Oh right, everyone.

It was believed that the Bible drove out the demons, but what was really medically fascinating was that it actually worked.When my rollerblades hit the gravel, my feet went flying up in the air and my right hand went back to break my impact with the ground. Wrist guards. Fucking lazy ass salesman!

The sound I heard was not unlike the crack of a whip, which is never good, unless you're into that kind of thing. I picked myself (and my pride) up off the ground and checked things out. Everything seemed fine...maybe it was just a slight sprain. I walked the mile back to my off campus apartment and by the time I got back it was clear from the amount of swelling that a trip to the emergency room was in order.

Broken, in three places. The ulna, the radius, and the scaphoid bone. For all those non-premed people out there, that is both bones of your arm and a bone in your hand. Fuck!

It was the start of the summer. Gone were all the rock climbing trips, gone was my primary mode of transportation around campus (bike), SHIT, gone was my life guarding job and all my money! I got casted and proceeded with the "summer of shame" as it has now come to be known. I healed really quickly and gained full mobility back, but there was always this nagging twinge in my wrist from that day forward.

Over time the twinges in my wrist got worse. And what's more, I developed this little bump on the back of my hand. At first it was imperceptible, but after many arguments with myself over whether or not it was growing, it became clear I needed a return trip to the doctor.

He x-rayed my wrist and told me that it healed perfectly, almost too perfectly given the severity of the injury. I kind of blanked out what he said after that because I was day dreaming about being a superhero with regenerative properties. Then I was pulled back into reality by the words "Ganglion Cyst."

Ganglion Cyst?! What the fuck is that?

Ganglion cyst on hand diagramApparently, after an injury, your joint can leak fluid through a one-way valve, thus filling a little balloon with thick, viscous joint fluid that applies pressure to nerves and causes discomfort in the way of twinges. He informed me that there were only two things he could do: drain it or operate on it. Or I could just leave it alone and live with it. Well I wasn't about to leave it alone because it was starting to look like someone had grafted a small marble under my skin and not only did it hurt, it was fucking gross. So I opted for draining it. But apparently "draining it" meant sticking a large bore needle into it and sucking out the fluid without any real anesthetic.

Now "large" bore needle and "fluid" doesn't quite accurately describe what happened next. That doctor took what I can only describe as a straw with a point on it and jabbed it into the bump on the back of my wrist. I believe my exact words were, "AAGGHHHHH YOU MOTHER FUCKER, THAT ISN'T A NEEDLE, THAT'S A JAVELIN WITH A HOLE THROUGH IT!!!" He then proceeded to draw the..."fluid" out of it.

Fluid, my ass! I'm a scientist and I know the definition of a fluid. This stuff had the consistency and look of rubber cement, AFTER it hardens. He then informed me that it would likely return over time due to stress to the joint, and that there are only two real good ways to get rid of them when draining doesn't work.

I looked at him sideways and said, "Wait, two ways? You failed to mention something other than operating on it."

He replied that he had told me there were only two things HE could do. I, on the other hand, had the option of hitting it with a Bible.

Bible with spoiler warningWAIT, WHAT THE FUCK?! I JUST LET A BIBLE THUMPING WACK JOB STICK A NEEDLE THE SIZE OF A PENCIL IN MY WRIST?!?

But he was no wack job, dear readers, the man was a genius. He went on to explain that in the old days this was called a Bible Bump and was believed to be caused by demons (bear with me here). Apparently, the predominant way to cure it was to WHACK it with the only softbound book in the house that EVERYONE, even the poor, owned: a Bible.

It was believed that the Bible drove out the demons, but what was really medically fascinating was that it actually worked. Hitting the cyst ruptures the bubble and allows your body to simply reabsorb the fluid, and any other new fluid now has nowhere to collect, causing the cyst to never form again. Operating does the same thing because they rip up the bubble, but draining it just creates a tiny hole that eventually reseals.

He told me that if it was him, he would hit it. It wasn't something the medical world allows doctors to actually do for their patients (for obvious reasons), but the cysts did eventually come to be known as "Gideon's Disease" because of the most effective cure known.

Man picking up a Bible out of a hotel room drawerI left his office wondering if he was a medical genius and quite the historian, or an all-out Bible-thumping quack (literally). After some online research I found many testimonies of people having their cysts drained only to have them return, and some who had them operated on only to return in other spots on their hand. I only found a few references to "whacking it" but no one who actually could bring themselves to do it, so it was often cited as an urban legend.

Time passed and because of the stress I put on my wrists while rock climbing, the cyst reformed bigger than before it was drained. The idea of operating on it and trading a bump for a scar wasn't very appealing, and there was no way I was going to drain it again because that shit hurt like hell and wasn't a permanent fix.

So I set my mind to whacking it. For about a week I had this internal argument with myself.

Andrei for: Just hit it, and be done with it.
Andrei against: Dude, that's an urban legend and I'm not going to hit myself with a fucking bible.
Andrei for: What if it works and goes away?
Andrei against: If this was something that actually worked, it would be well known and not complete hear say.
Andrei for: That's just because no one is hardcore enough to do it.
Andrei against: I don't even own a bible, idiot.
Andrei for: It doesn't matter what book it is, it is the medical science of rupturing it. Use The Joy of Cooking, you fucking pansy!
Andrei against: FINE! I'll hit it!
Andrei for: Good, just do it!
Andrei against: Wait, this is the wrist I broke in three places, and you want me to hit it?!
Andrei for: YES, as hard as you can, without breaking it again.
Andrei against: No wait, let me think about this some more.
Andrei for: You're such a pussy!

Back and forth we/I went until, one day, I was passing by my bookcase and saw The Joy of Cooking. (What? Don't judge, a man has to eat doesn't he?) An all-too-familiar voice came into my head: "Just do it before you lose the nerve, you big weenie."

I snatched that book off the shelf, put my hand on the table and brought that heavy tome down on my wrist like I was playing that hammer game at a circus.

To say that the pain was excruciating would be the understatement of the year, but to tell you the truth I didn't even care because I was more focused on the sound. What I heard could only be described as a POP followed by a slight warming sensation. My mind quickly raced as to whether or not I had just re-broken my wrist or popped the cyst. I felt my wrist and everything seemed to be fine, and then I felt the bump and it was definitely more squishy than before.

Had I done it? I mean, it was still there but it was definitely different. Over the next two weeks that bump got smaller and smaller and eventually disappeared altogether as the "fluid" slowly drained back into the surrounding tissue. I haven't ever gotten another one since, and I don't have the same twinges in my wrist anymore. So apparently the best and least invasive cure for "Gideon's Disease," "Bible Bumps," or "Ganglion Cysts" is to WHACK THAT THING AS HARD AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN, without breaking your wrist of course. Urban legend dispelled!

Now on to my real conundrum. The Starbucks I used to go to every morning was also frequented by this attractive woman that I would see regularly. I saw her so much that she became one of those people who you see and are eventually obligated to say hello to or smile at, just because you have a place in common with each other. I noticed that she always drank her coffee out of an actual mug instead of the paper cups supplied by the place. I also noticed one day that she had this enormous bump on her wrist and she was obviously self-conscious about it because she went to great lengths to cover it up.

What if?

What if, my dear readers?

What if I jumped up on to a chair, pinned her arm down on the table and brought her coffee mug down on that fucking thing so hard that the sound would make pigeons scatter in Central Park? I would then whisper in her ear as she screamed in pain, "You'll thank me later," and leave the place before any of the other customers could finish dialing 911.

So I ask you, dear readers, is it wrong to want to smash a coffee mug into some woman's wrist if it's for her own good?


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Gavin Pitt's picture

Hee! Awesome article. I must admit I thought it would first be something about scaring away members of the Religious Rong who come to your door (for Jehovah's Witnesses- answer the door with a same sex partner giving you a blood transfusion)

So if you're an Atheist, do they give you the option of whacking the cyst with a copy of Darwin's Origin of Species?

Great as usual.

btw- I know you've said you're a scientist before, but in what field?

btw- have you ever been tempted to cut your hair?!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Gav,

I love messing with the proselytizers, though not in that manner of course.

Well the Joy of Cooking works so I think you have the option of whatever you want to use that is thick enough.

Chemistry and Biology

What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?
I wasn't expecting that. ;-)

Yup, I have cut my hair before and not only did everyone tell me that it was the worst thing I have ever done but apparently I looked like I was twelve years old. Getting carded for buying God of War isn't cool at all. (<-actually happened!!!)

Then I promptly grew it back out.

Gavin Pitt's picture

No one expects it!

I've tried growing my hair long several times and been thwarted by a] the climate- three consecutive days of 40+ Celsius and I chuck a Crazy Britney Spears on my follicles and b] my double-crowned scalp, which means my hair grows long until it reaches about half the length of yours and then curls back in on itself and around my ears until I look like I'm trying to do Princess Leia drag. Not a look that will catch on...

Neat article as usual!

Christa Joy's picture

Gross!

That's really...sweet...of you...to want to help a girl out....

Gross!

Andrei Trostel's picture

I do what I can for the people Christa.

;-)

First off, that was hilarious! Thank-you for making my day.

More importantly, I find it ironic (is it really irony? probably not technically- oh well) as my mother has that done just a few years back. Our family doctor happens to be our next door neighbor, so when she went to his house to ask him about the mysterious wrist bump he suggested 'the book treatment.'

"What's that?" my mother asked.

"First, put your hand on the table. Then look up at that black spot on the ceiling."

"But I don't see any- *WHACK* OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO KILL Y- oh hey, it worked."

And it did. Pretty crazy.

Andrei Trostel's picture

You're very welcome, and thank you for reading.

Yeah I think this remedy is NOT often discussed. Probably because doctors can't do it and therefore can't bill for it.

I also just had a friend pass this on to someone with one of these.

Vickie, if you are reading this....WHACK IT or I am putting Yen up to it. I think you and I both know she will totally do it too.

;-P

Ryan Sikder's picture

i had one about a year ago so after trying the spear my wrist tech i had it operated on. the draining didn't work at all because i bowl so I'm always using my wrist, which apparently makes the fluid hard. Tried the book(Dictionary), didn't work for the same reason so i needed the operation =[
my pain aside, really funny article, went through the same thing...and yeah...I'd smash the hell out of her wrist if i were you.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Ryan,

That truly sucks that you had to go through ALL three treatments.
I feel for you man, that's hard core.

Don't use her coffee cup. It's not the same thing as a book. You will probably cut up her hand and make it bleed. She will NOT understand. You could just tell her what to do. She may think you are crazy, or she might google it. By the way, my sister finally whacked mine. It hurt like hell for a week afterward and took like 2 months to go away, during which time a second small swelling developed, but also finally went away. In a manner of speaking I guess it worked, since it hasn't returned yet.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Hahahaha probably good advice O.
By the way, I LOVE that you are trying to talk me down from my little ganglion cyst super hero fantasy so that I don't end up in prison for assault (because you know how much I REALLY want to do it). It's just one of the many reasons I think you are great.

:-)

Tom Crawley's picture

This has got to be one of my favourite articles I've read for quite a while.

Anyway I agree with Odelle. Tell the woman what she should do...although it's less dramatic which is a shame.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Tom,

So it appears that Odelle and Tom are the little angels on one shoulder and Ryan is the little devil on the other.

Frankly, I'm surprised I have SO few demons.

You are safe for now "Starbucks cyst girl" but I've got your number!

;-P

Gavin Pitt's picture

Dude, just do it. How many chances to you get a chance to slam the bejeebus out of someone and have it be *beneficial*?! Wait for the right time though- when she asks for a tip (WHAM!) "there you go!"

Andrei Trostel's picture

Hahahaha she isn't a waitress Gavin, I doubt she will be asking me for a tip.

Gavin Pitt's picture

Well then how about: (WHAM!) "...Hey baby, so what are you making me for breakfast?!"

Andrei Trostel's picture

I'm not trying to pick her up either, but I get it...we'll mark Gavin as "For assaulting the woman." (<-big surprise Gav)

dude while I appreciate your humor in your spoiler, you didn't read the rest of the story
good luck with cyst girl, very romantic

Andrei Trostel's picture

Don't be "cross" with me, I read it all. ;-P

As a female who has had a ganglian cyst on my left wrist for over 15 years (which often causes pain), I would freaking worship you if you whacked my cyst into nonexistence. As for right now, I'm gonna go home and find my Bible!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Oh wow, fifteen years is a long time to live with one of these. Whack it and then come back and let us all know how it went. People from all over the world land on this article daily when searching for remedies for ganglion cysts, but then don't report back after they whack it and it goes away.
Whack it and report back people...Whack it and report back.
Anonymous, No one should have to live with one of these for 15 years. My heart goes out to you and I wish you luck in your new ganglion cyst "free" life.
;-)

I think you should absolutely wack that girl's cyst, but with a book and not her mug; and also make sure it actually is a cyst before you assault her. but your anonymous hero method sounds good to me!

Grasshopper's picture

Andrei this girl doesnt even really exist does she? And if she does there is no way you're actually gonna whack her wrist ninja style. So all this true feeling advice is making me cringe.

You should tell this possibly imaginary girl you whacked yours off successfully and could do the same for her. Then show her your nipple to put her at ease. Girls dig that shit

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Anonymous 2. I'm glad you are for the super hero approach, that is my preferred approach as well.

Grasshopper, By far the best responses to my articles are the ones that completely doubt the validity of them. Those who actually know me find those the funniest responses as well. I can assure you that she is very real as is my extremely vocal desire to take out that thing on her wrist ninja style. You are right about one thing though, I likely will never do it. I've been told that I am far too cute for prison. However, my super hero fantasies are fulfilled regularly now by all of the complete strangers who email me and contact me through facebook asking for advice on how to go about whacking their ganglion cysts. I recently had an MMA fighter contact me with one on his wrist that he wanted gone before his next match. It probably doesn't hurt that this article is listed above many of the medical websites in google regarding ganglion cysts and bible bumps. Everyday someone finds this article searching online about that thing on their wrist and I like to think that one way or another I am responsible for the whacking of thousands of these painful things.
;-)

Boy, you rock.
I read your story and hit mine with a nice fat Duden. Didn't apply much force, but it was gone! And more importantly, it didn't hurt it all =)
I sure don't know if it comes back or not, but if it does, I'll just fucking slam it again.

Thanks for your story which got me to do it.
Greetings from Belarus.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Great!
I'm so glad that my story helped you get rid of yours.
You have no idea what it means to me that sharing my experience helped someone else in the world have less pain. Often comedy writers can bring more laughter into the world, but very rarely do they also get the chance to decrease pain at the same time.
So thank you for coming back and sharing your results. It made my day.

;-)

Lina's picture

Hahahhaa great article! Tell u what, if u wanna whack her wrist u might wanna do that in a more 'private' area where u wont be witnessed by all these people acting like a psycho. Or u could just hand her the url address of this article and tell her to patiently read through the entire thing... hahaa and i'm sure if she reads this and wants u to save her from that big nasty cyst she'll find a way to let u know :P

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thanks Lina.
Actually, you have no idea how close I came to printing this article out and just casually placing it on her table. I would then flash her a winning smile and mutter, "You'll thank me later" and leave all smooth like.
The only thing stopping me is Murphy's Law. Next time I saw her she would likely say something like, "It's a birth defect, you FUCKING ASSHOLE and I cried all that day, knowing that it is SO HUGE that EVERYONE can see it and they are actually now discussing it online, thanks to you, YOU DICK!!!" <-because Lina, that is so totally something that would happen to me.
;-)

Lina's picture

Hahahahaaa yes i'm lucky like that too! Then y not just start up a conversation with her over a cup of coffee and straight up ask if its a cyst about 15-30 mins in?? She might get a lil offended at first but if ur right she'll be forever grateful!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Not a bad idea, but when I saw her she was always with a group of other women locked in conversation over their coffee or just in passing while silently acknowledging that we always see each other there. Hardly an appropriate situation to strike up a 15-30 minute conversation. If she was alone at a table or I had more time than just walking by, I would absolutely go that route.

Funny true story: I read a report once about certain lunch bags containing lead it the inner linings that may or may not leach into your food. Being the scientist that I am, I promptly tested my lunch bag using a Home Depot lead test kit and mine tested positive, which I then threw out. Days later, I was having lunch in the cafeteria with some friends and saw an older Indian couple eating lunch together, both with the SAME lunch bag as mine. After telling my friends about my findings and pointing out the couple with the same lunch bag, I got up from the table ignoring the pleas from my friends of, "OMG ANDREI, DON'T YOU DARE! THEY'LL THINK YOU'RE NUTS!" (I am known for embarrassing my friends with my antics) I strode over to their table, sat down and began with, "you don't know me but what I am about to tell you may or may not affect your future health...."
I see that couple regularly now with DIFFERENT lunch bags and they ALWAYS say hello to me and thank me for telling them about it.

Lina, I am not above embarrassing myself or others for the greater good and I am anything but shy. Hell, why do you think I write these articles in the first place. ;)
I am more concerned that it isn't actually a cyst and I am observant and sensitive enough to notice that she is VERY self conscious about. She is ALWAYS wearing various different bracelets over it and constantly readjusting them to hide it. All super hero fantasies aside, I don't want to make her feel any worse about it, unless I am absolutely certain that it is what it is.
;)

i am still trying to talk my 17 yr old daughter into whacking it.. we just went to the doctor yesterday and they tried to drain it ! well it hurt her and freaked her out quite a bit. Still kinda sore, But the doc didnt seem to know what the hell he was doing except for the part about what it was called... how can i convince her

Andrei Trostel's picture

Nicolli,

Well I would start by having her read this article to show her what I and others have gone through before actually whacking it. I wouldn't however, whack it right after it was drained because there likely won't be the same amount of pressure in it as before it was drained. Wait until it becomes big and hard again and then whack it. Let me know how it goes and if you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask.

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

"Wait until it becomes big and hard again and then whack it."

That's what she said. :D

Andrei Trostel's picture

I'm not going to lie Bryan, half of the time that I am typing these Bible Bump comment responses, I am giggling like a 3rd grader at what you pointed out.

I've always wondered if those on the other end were also thinking what I was, or was I the only immature one?

Thanks for answering that question.

Now I'm completely...um..satisfied.

:P

I love that u have responded to every post!!! So, bonus points to u!

So, my issue is that I believe I have one of these cysts, but it's so small so there isn't really a bump to hit. But, it's causing me pain. I can barely hold a 15 lb. dumbbell.

I recently attended a Kraw maga class, where we were doing palm strikes, so I think that's what caused it.

So, if there is nothing to hit, do u think operation is the only solution?

Thanks,
Ash

Andrei Trostel's picture

Peachykeene18 (aka Ash),

First of all, how small, and what do you mean there isn't really a bump to hit? I mean if there isn't a bump then it is conceivable that you have strained something and that is what is causing you the pain. However, that said...if you still think you have a ganglion cyst and it is too small to hit, I would recommend two other things before an operation.

First, I would put a warm compress on it and massage it heavily. If you are having joint fluid leak then this would soften the fluid and cause even MORE to leak out thus make it obvious that you do have one and also making it large enough to whack.

Second, if that doesn't work and it is really unbearable then I would recommend having it drained before going the route of operating.

Here's why, if it is a REALLY small one and you can't get anymore fluid to fill into it then draining what is there would likely relieve the pressure which is causing the pain. Sure it might form again, but then if it does it will likely form larger and be hittable. If it doesn't form again then your problem is solved.

In addition, often continuing the activity which you think caused it will make it larger and then hittable, but the downside in this case is that if it ISN'T a ganglion cyst and you strained your wrist, then continuing the activity while it is injured is a terrible idea and would only cause further damage and or pain.

My concern here though is that you aren't sure...so if it were me, I would wait awhile and treat it like a strained wrist and see if it starts getting better. If the pain starts going away then it was likely a ligament injury of some kind...but if you have this chronic pain in the same spot for months, (and you still see a bump) then it is likely a cyst and you can treat it as such.

Hopefully that answered all your questions, but feel free to ask more.
I hope you feel better soon and wish you all the best.

;)

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

I had a TOTALLY different picture in mind when the words "whack off her cyst" appeared on my screen.

Sorry, my maturity gland is malfunctioning today. The meds ain't effective anymore.

Andrei Trostel's picture

HAHA You know, there would also be a large amount of fluid released into her body too.

:P

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

I suppose said large amount of fluid would also be warm and sticky? Or am I overthinking things?

Goddamn, I think I need another vacation...

Andrei Trostel's picture

Not only warm and sticky but also viscous.

:P

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

Are you, by chance, describing semen? Man batter? Jizz? Cum? Baby gravy? Man-racle Whip? Man-made Mayo? Taco frosting? Queer's brew? The exploding sauce? The...

Okay, I'm tired now.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Don't you mean you're spent?

:P

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

I meant to say that, but well...

That's what she said.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I guess that means I beat you.

(Don't get any ideas, I'm straight...I'm just going for the pun.)

:P

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

Don't worry, I only like teh laydeez to beat me. And only teh laydeez to beat my meat too.

:D

Andrei Trostel's picture

I'm guessing there aren't any female mutawas in Saudi Arabia?
Although, imagine what it would do for the tourism.

"You flirted with that woman...now you have to come with me and I'll beat you."

:P

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

Nope. There aren't any female mutawas anywhere, dude. Here in the Kingdom, women are always, ALWAYS separate from the men. There are ladies-only shops, restaurants and other establishments here and if you're unlucky enough to enter one, you'd get the shit beaten out of you. Not in a good way, too...

Hahah, I'm imagining what you said with Ivan Drago's voice:

"I MUST BEAT YOU." :D

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha Well they aren't always, ALWAYS separate otherwise the Kingdom wouldn't be there. (yes, I knew what you meant) :P

You have to know though that being detained by a female mutawa is likely high on the list of Saudi Arabian fantasies. Of course, not by one that looks like Ivan Drago.

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

True, but the rules they have when it comes to having a wife - yes, a wife - are different. You must have lots of money to pay the dowry. The father of the woman will give a figure and if you can't meet it, there's no way you can have her. Besides, you won't ever know what's under the niqab (face veil) she's wearing until you marry her and even after the marriage, some women don't want their husbands seeing their faces. I know, beats the shit out of me too...

Then again, I wasn't really interested with Arabian women to begin with. I like Filipina women. Like:

http://www.mmoabc.com/sites/default/files/old-blogs/my/k/n/o/ckout/2008/...

If that's the kind of mutawa who'll arrest me, I'd put the cuffs on myself. :D

Andrei Trostel's picture

Wow that's crazy! It's like a grab bag for wives! To pick your partner in life randomly just seems like a recipe for even more adultery, not less. I wonder if people wife swap there secretly, because who would ever know since they are under a sheet all the time. Two men could secretly switch wives if they found they had more in common with someone else's and vise versa and no one would ever really know.

Haha As long as the wearing of the cuffs goes both ways, I'm all for it.

I'm with you on the Asian women preference.

;)

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

You don't get to inspect the goods, bud. But hey, in their religion they could marry up to four wives. If you can't get quality, you can settle for quantity instead. Fivesomes! Think about it!

I'm sure the women wearing face curtains have a lot of fun tagging themselves in pictures on Facebook, though. :D

Andrei Trostel's picture

There is a certain amount of irony in a country not allowing women to show their faces even having access to facebook. You would think that would be considered porn there.

:P

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

On a related note with regards to the article, a chick I had a crush on had one of these things. I told her to go to the doctor and the doc told her what your doc told you, Andrei: Slam a big, heavy book down on it. I'd do it for her if I wasn't stuck here in the desert. Or maybe rub up on her instead. One or the other.

EDIT: Before some of you scream, "PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN!" I could provide pictures of said chick and a Facebook account too... What? You couldn't care less? Oh fuck it...

What if the guy/girl is not a Christian, but a pagan or a witch? What tome is best to use? I have a copy of the Egyptian Book of the Dead, the Tome of Galvanicus The Evil, the Malleus Maleficarum and a +6 Tome of Spirit Warding.

Funny, what if you had this and also carpal tunnel syndrome? :D

Andrei Trostel's picture

Haha If the woman is a pagan or a witch, I'm sure there is some ritual in the woods to take care of it. The ritual should be performed naked and should ideally be repeated many many times. :P

Bryan Jason D.'s picture

It's icky, though. Goat blood gets everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Ritual, rinse, repeat.

I had the surgery and I have a nice big suicide scar to prove it!
My Dr did tell me about the bible- but I was 15 and way to wussy to attempt.

Andrei Trostel's picture

I bet that is annoying when someone looks at it and you can almost see them thinking it was a suicide attempt in their mind, although I suppose it could also provide countless opportunities to mess with people for fun.

For the record, I still think cutting it out surgically is way more extreme than simply hitting it.

you know what i tried it and ty it worked:) i feel much better and my hand is healing nicely thanks again hun

Andrei Trostel's picture

That's great!

You're very welcome.

So the annoyance on my wrist was caused by scaphoid fracture, mother fucker :(
Wish the hand surgeon would be less frazzled around me & give some useful advice such as this... But I digress, your article was totally amusing & educational; good job!!!

Andrei Trostel's picture

Thank you Ilona and I hope the annoyance on your wrist abates.

That scaphoid bone is a tricky one because the artery comes from the top, so if the bone breaks clean through then the bottom half can deteriorate causing problems.

Luckily that didn't happen to me and I hope the same for you.

How did you fracture it?

I have one on my foot, have had it about 20 years, my husband has hit it with a book several times. Every time my husband whacks it it comes back in a few months. I am going to a foot Doctor in the morning and am finding myself quite nervous about it. It is so achy though, I just want it gone.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Oh, that's a looooong time to be plagued by one of these. I wouldn't be surprised if they suggested the surgery since it keeps reforming. It will likely take care of it, but you'll still end up with a small scar where it was and it IS possible it will still reform. Personally, I would just keep hitting it with the book until it stops forming.

Good luck, let us all know how it goes.

Well, I went to the podiatrist, and told him how I have had it 20 plus years, and confessed to hitting it with a book. He took x-rays and said that draining it has about a 90% reassurance rate, and surgery would have me in a boot for 2 weeks. I am VERY active, hiking etc. so for sure didn't want to do that over the summer.
I asked him what he thought about hitting it with a book and to my surprise he said, "Go ahead." He said if it didn't hurt me it wasn't harming anything.
So that is that, tonight my husband will grab the cure all book (it really is a medical book) and give it a smack!
Thanks for the great site!!!

Andrei Trostel's picture

I think the book method is by far the least painful and disruptive cure (ironically, since it actually ruptures it.) It's also the cheapest which is always a bonus. Good luck and let us know how the smacking goes.

Oh and thank you for reading and commenting!

;)

I am glad you wrote this. I think I must make it up there to the starbucks so that you can smash my cyst. My own boyfriend won't even do it. Unfortunately, I live in Texas and will have to smash the damn cyst on my own.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Ms. Garcia,

I'm glad you enjoyed it. Your boyfriend won't do it?! I would think that most boyfriends would jump at the chance to whack one of these things. I mean it's like he gets to be your very own superhero who rescues you from an evil that is causing you great pain.

Oh well, good luck being your own superhero and be sure to let us know how it goes.

;)

I had one on my left wrist. I took a rubber mallet and whacked it. Yeow! But it worked like a charm.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Yeah, whacking it really works well and the initial discomfort is far more tolerable than the years of pain from just living with it.