I have decided to rectify a mistake a made long ago, when I identified the Jews as My "Chosen People." I had high hopes for Abraham and Isaac, but with the exception of Sandy Koufax and Mark Spitz there have been few Jews to justify My distinction. Read More »

the 'gyptians were a ancient race of African peoples which lived in africa in prehistoric Timex.  the world was a way different place then, with dragonflies the size of Eagles from Philadelphia, & other bugs way bigger than they R now.  also, there were many prehistoric dinosaurs roving around  the early earth, just ch Read More »

I heard that you have every good track, ever released,  by any artist, on your iPod.

I heard that you had season tickets for the 1993 Chicago Bulls season. Read More »

With most foods, there is always the risk of a bad order. We've all had the sloppy burger, the soggy fries, and the hot wing with the fingernail growing out of it. We accept that to some extent the risk of a bad order is inherent to the practice of ordering prepared foods. And it is with resignation, but acceptance, that we recoil from these bad orders. Read More »

As your typical American liberal college student, there are many things I like. Not only do I enjoy pulling a knitted beanie over my unkempt mane before heading out to the quad with my acoustic guitar and a hackey sack, but I also like Islamic extremism. I mean, isn't it time somebody stood up to our corrupt government and told Dick Cheney, "No, you can't just steal our oil"? Read More »

This morning I got such a close shave I thought I was back in Sierra Leone, selling Cold War-era weaponry on the black market. But I wasn't, and I felt the smooth texture of my skin, and I realized that I had a dream...a dream of creating the perfect men's shaver. Read More »

Preface:  Read More »

Let Me just say: Ahhhhh, fuck yeah. Read More »

I know it’s been a while since I rapped at ya, but mo money mo problems, know what I mean? Anyway, I’m writing to tell you that as your Creator, I owe you an explanation. Read More »

I am not the first to admit I made a mistake, but at this point there is no denying that I screwed up bad when I rented this bike with two seats.

I thought it would be a fun and creative idea for us to share the same bike. I was hoping the teamwork would bring us closer. But after the first few hundred feet, I realized it was a very bad idea. Read More »

Dear Nation,

I am writing to apologize on behalf of myself and my soldiers for the terrible atrocities we committed. May I point out, however, that we were doing a lot of really good coke. Read More »

Let’s be honest about something: I am intimidated by your sagging pants. Read More »

 As a terrorist who loves the ladies, it is sometimes hard for me to complete my missions.  You see, I want to blow myself up in a crowded place, but at the same time I want the sex… Read More »

As some of you may be aware, killer bees, also known as Africanized Honey bees, have been proliferating and moving north since their emancipation from colonies in Brazil several decades ago. There is understandable panic at the prospect of these large, aggressive noisy insects supplanting the more docile, and slighter-of-build European honey bees to which we are accustomed. Read More »

Welcome to the spring issue of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion. We would like to begin by thanking our former Editor Myron Scheinman for his contributions as editor, and wish him a speedy recovery from his ulcer at his condo in Fort Lauderdale. Read More »