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(PG-13, 70 lines)A scale isn't the only way to help fatties face the truth about their weight problem.
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(PG-13, 49 lines)Every year, on April 1st, The Humor Bot turns into a hacking machine.
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The Snippets and the Impure Tour
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A fascinating tour of sex, booze, drugs, and debauchery, complete with witty banter.
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The definitive guide to drinking games, both new and classic, plus boob jokes.
My name is John. I have a lot of useless thoughts that spin out of control due to circumstances that are completely under my control. I'd like to share them with you.
Recent Posts:
- Stop Trying to Steal Shit
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- Hopefully Back
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About John Gillespie
Hometown
Cincinnati, OH
School
University of Cincinnati
At a Glance
I choose the University of Cincinnati as my school because of it's high crime rate around campus. I figured it would make things easier to steal and I'd see some funny things. I'm not at college for an education, just for a paycheck that I'll never get. I also like to take pop songs and scream them like a post hardcore band.
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People I Would Not Fight, Part 1
It doesn't matter how well you can brawl, sometimes you can just look at a person and tell, yeah, that person would kick the shit out of me. I think about stuff like this all the time. It's not that I am sizing up people, it's just sober me has to plan out who drunk me can and cannot fight. I think I mentioned it earlier, sober me loves drunk me, and sober me only wants drunk me's best interest. Luckily, I don't have to write "don't fight dad" on my arm because it's been burned in my subconscious. So as I come across people who could beat the shit out of me, I'll update the list I have and you'll be the first people I tell. The first person who makes my list would probably make other peoples lists also.
I know most people wouldn't fight their dads. I sure as hell won't fight mine. It's not because I respect him or anything (which I do have mass respect,) it's because he would flat out leave my ass on the ground. I've watched my brother try to fight my dad on two occasions, once while sober and once while black out drunk, and both ended the same way, which was my brother crying 15 seconds after he swung.
The sheer size of the man is not goof for me either. I'm actually two inches taller than him, I clock in at 5'8", 130 pounds ( and believe me, I know I'm like 50 pounds under weight for my height,) and my dad is 5'6", 180 pounds. It's not 50 pounds of fat he has on me, it's 50 pounds of muscle from lifting and installing gas lines his entire life. He could snap me in half in the blink of an eye, and I have accepted this fact of life. Also, I've seen him take a punch directly to the chin and laugh it off, which scares the shit out of me.
I have a fail safe plan incase things ever becomes heated between us. My dad and I both love Beast Ice and it's out beer of choice. Apparently the sperm doesn't shoot out to far from the nut sack, or something like that. But on night where I drink myself into oblivion, I always do one thing. I save at least one beer to bring home as a peace offering. I figure he would respect that a raging alcoholic has enough respect to save a beer or two for his old man.
So now I have a question; anyone out their ever have the pleasure of fighting their dads? Please let me know. Or if you haven't, tell me why you wouldn't.
Song of the Day: Kill Your Lover by Lorene Drive
9 Comments
craps. i was hoping i'd be on this list somewhere. i guess i'm too fragile now.
Maybe one day. I'd fight you after a severe injury because I think I could win, so when you're back at full strength my radar will be tripped and you'll be on the list.
I figured Casey would be on this list, too.
Oh well. There's always part 2.
As a chick, I try not to actually physically fight anyone. My brother was the last person I laid a hand on. I did throw the complete works of Shakespeare at my mother once. Left a huge hole in the wall, right above her head. I was trying to make a point.
I'd like to see in the final showdown: Casey vs. John's dad.
Yeah, that'll be awesome.
I'd like to see some edits in this one before you "publish" part 2
Anyone else think of George Laraque instantly when they saw the title? Go youtube Laraque mic'd up. And who said black people can't play hockey...
I thought I could take my dad one time. I was in Junior High (like 7th or 8th grade) My mom was on my ass for some reason, I don't recall why. She broke a broom over my back because she was pissed off at me. Then when I laughed at her doing this she started to cry and went to get my dad. My dad demanded that I say that I was sorry. I wasn't sorry (I mean she broke a broom on my back shouldn't she be the one that is sorry?) so I told my old man that I wasn't going to tell her I was sorry. Then he pushed me and I fell over a chair. The adrenaline got the better of me and jumped up and got in his face. He pushed again and I push him back then he grabbed me and threw me acrossed the room (litterally picked me up and threw me). I smashed into a wall that I put a whole in with my head. This time I didn't get up. Looking back on this situation I understand that I was completely out of my mind to try to take my dad. At the time I was about 6ft and 190lbs. My dad runs about 6ft 4in and 260lbs. In the years to come from that fateful night I've seen several other reasons why I would never tangle with my dad again. One night I saw him go WWE on someone and beat the guy in the head with a steel chair. Another night (about a week after a knee surgery) I saw him hop on one leg and hit a guy with his crutch until the guy was unconscious. He is still bigger than me I'm about 6ft 1in now and 210lbs he's the same size. And as if I didn't need another reason to fight him. We recently got into a playful wrestling match that I beat him in. When I started giving him shit about it he told in a serious tone "If it ever came down to it I'll fight dirty and take you out." Bottom line is don't fight your old man because every dad possesses the ability to beat his son's ass no matter how old he is. My dad is 46 and I'm 22. I don't think I'd be able to take him if he was in a wheelchair.
my dad fights dirtier than anyone ive ever known and he's 6'3 260 lbs. my older brother picked a fight with him once when he was in high school and dad said lets go outside so we dont break the furniture. my brother agreed and turned to walk out the door and as soon as he turned his back on ole dad he got clocked in the back of the head and didnt get up for a good two minutes. since then, any arguments between him and me or my brother always end in a quiet "yes sir."
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