Bouncer Wisdom: Bar Room Brawls

It's time to get mean...

(It's time to get mean...)

A lot of people think all bouncers do is fight. That's far from the truth. We also stand around a lot and hope our booty calls text message us back. But, (un)fortunately, there are times we do NEED to fight.

The fact is, I didn't get hired because of my luscious lips, high cheekbones, four-pack abs and eyes greener than the shamrocks on the Lake Isle of Innisfree. I got a bouncing job because I knew a guy and I show up on time. But also, because when need be, I'm a nasty all-in fighter. They didn't call me "The Demon" Casey Freeman for nothing (because nobody has ever called me that).

But people aren't interested in most of that stuff. They want to know about bouncers fighting. So here goes:

Hey toughguy, your hands aren't registered weapons in Texas, but you should be under the registered shitbird list. Because you're a fucking tool and make human society look awful. You secretly hope to be an extra on the next season of Jersey Shore. You're the type of guy who'd put mousse in his pubes if he heard celebrities did it.

Now, no matter your venue, fights happen. Most of the time, it's two white boys staring each other down and yelling, "You're a faggot!" "No, you're a bigger faggot because you're wearing a red hat cocked a little to the right. Which means you deserve to be called a homosexual slur." "No, you're the gaylord of faggots because you use big words."

These are deceptive fights to break up. Most of the time you just give Paleface Colin a baby wipe, tell him to change his diaper and show him the door. And he leaves. Sometimes you need to coerce these tool-douches by grabbing them by their popped collars and shoving them out the door. Other times, it turns into an all out slap fight between rival snowboard cliques. "Fuck you! Burton and World Industries rule forever!" "The gondolas at Aspen can suck my cock!"

When punches are already being thrown, if you're not one of our favorite regulars (read this on how to become on—or save yourself some time and just tip the bouncer) expect some bodily damage to happen. A lot of doorguys wrestle, know martial arts or grew up in the hood. You? You just read trivia on Steven Seagal movies.

While some bouncers started the job because they love the action of a fight, I prefer to attempt to talk people out of fighting. Not because I'm a pussy. Because I've been punched, kicked, bit, stabbed, almost had an eye gouged out, feet stomped, nuts squeezed, nuts kicked, nuts almost bitten, bruised ribs, headbutted and hit with an occasional beer bottle. You may think it's hardcore, but when you see me limping around after tenderizing some shitbird's body, you'll realize I'd much rather be teaching French fine art history in the suburbs.

There's a common belief that bouncers cheat when they fight. And it's true. Because often, I'm fighting four guys at once. I don't cry myself to sleep if I slam somebody's nose into a table or open a hole in the concrete with some fucktard's head. That's one less pissant for me to worry about. Better you than me. Because you probably have health insurance.

So if you're throwing haymakers like a Nebraskan after he realizes he'll never live his dream and move to Iowa, expect something nasty to come your way—and there's this one move I thought might be cool to try, so pray to Billy Joel that you're not the person I test it on.

Sometimes we doorguys outnumber fighters. That's not because we're pussies. Our jobs aren't to ruin your good time or make you feel like a bitch. We get paid to STOP fights from happening or ENDING them as quickly as possible. Our hopes are that you'll see us (the barely literate gorillas) and take your little shitfit elsewhere. 

Brawls are not fun. They may be fun for doorguys to brag about after last call, but anybody who's been chainwhipped as bad as me knows mini-riots aren't hilarious - unless your bouncer buddy is wearing a pink miniskirt, purple eye makeup and lots and lots of glitter paint, then it's too gutbustingly comical to function.

If you do find yourself to be close to a fight, do the American thing and ask somebody else to take care of it for you. That's why bars pay bouncers (like me) an entire eight bucks an hour. Some doorguys live for that shit. Me, I realized long ago, my job is glorified adult day care. But I'd still like to ask somebody to leave rather than carrying his unconscious ass outside.

I'm KC for Bouncer Wisdom. I'll see you next week for another round-on me.

Any comments? Questions? Concerns? 

More in the "Bouncer Wisdom" series:
Bouncer Wisdom: Respect at the Door
Bouncer Wisdom: Door Dough
Bouncer Wisdom: Bar Room Brawls
Bouncer Wisdom: Bulletproof Juice
Bouncer Wisdom: One-Liners
Bouncer Wisdom: Chewing Tobacco
Bouncer Wisdom: Disguises
Bouncer Wisdom: Hook Ups
Bouncer Wisdom: Retirement

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Big Jay's picture

Ok, so I literally laughed out loud reading this jewel of literary wisdom. I worked a country rodeo bar in Payson Arizona called the Oxbow Saloon..The bar had been shut down by the Tabc dept 3 times before for lack of insurance due to the excessive fighting. This time as going to be different(of course). One night, I'm checking Id's and taking cover charge being the only guy on that night. The owner had the genius idea that we were going to be "dead". A huge family reunion shows up last minute and we have a packed house. YaY. 11pm: One hillbilly is upset that another hillbilly is hitting on his cousin/girlfriend and slaps him with a Bud light bottle. I run into the center of the bar and all hell breaks loose. Right at that moment I realized that my only option to keep me safe was to get my ass to the front door. 5-6 whole painful minutes of actual fighting it took to get to the front door through all of the bottle and pool stick swinging bar room ninjas. Once at the door, I stood there in awe at the not so funny Movie like bar room brawl in front of me. Men and women being curb smashed tables flying over, this was neither awesome nor cool in any way. Of course, the next day i was chompin on tylenol and chuggin beers to deal with the toll that "bar room brawl" took on my body.

KC...respect, just finished reading most of your blogs and on, but a fiddy...pop a hundred to step thru my doors lol...if you ever hit aus, drop a line, make a vip list.



The Best Security Man (bouncer) in the business worked in a club north of Atlanta GA. Called The Blue Rodeo. Think his name was Levi, heard he was like a 5th degree blackbelt. Very professional and confident person. Saw 3 guys jump him out in the parking lot one night as he was trying to calm them down and get them to leave. They left alright, straight to the hospital! He took them out in less than 30 seconds. I was just a patron but wittnessed this. He is the toughest man I ever saw. I used to be an amature boxer in my youth, so im no sissy, but let me tell you 6 of me couldnt take this guy.

I know that fuker! Holy Shit! We used to go to that bar all the time when we were in collage at UGA. I pretty sure he was the bar manager. Those bouncers at that place were huge and he was the smallest one but wasn't a piss ant. He was at least 6'2 and big as fuck. That dude was a legend in that area. The Roadhouse movie wasn't shit compared to this guy. That was the best nightclub north of Atlanta and it was a rough place till he came to work there and turned it around. I heared the crooked police dept. shut it down though, bummer.

Court Sullivan's picture

Damn, I really wanna know what this guy's doing now... a real life man/myth/legend.

Man I don't know. A guy with that kind of rep could be dead or in prison by now. Awesome person though if you was his friend. Hope all the best for him. Mabye someone could track him down to see what he's up to these days. Maybe get an e-mail or something, let him know we are asking about him.

True that! He had a rep alright. What little I talked with him the dude grew up hard in a rural area where he and his folks worked hard, i think farming or logging not sure. Word is that his Grandfather was like some legendary law man and sheriff of one of those little North GA counties. So I guess he came from a long line of tough people. I know several people that worked with him so it's a good possibility they would know where he is these days. I'll ask around.

The dude sounds like Bad Ju Ju. I wouldn't try looking him up. He's probably somewhere with a pocket full of kryptonite! LMAO!

He is doing fine. Heard he quit security work and got a good job somewhere out of state. No matter how tough you are there is always someone who will give you a run for your money, but my money would be on him! He's a good dude I won't go into detail but I worked with him as a bouncer. He was the type of guy that had your back 100%, but if you were afraid when it came down to a fight and backed down you would have to answer to him and let me tell you he's one rough ol boy.