At some point in their life, everyone has to “break the news” to a girlfriend or boyfriend. Decent people use the phone to do it, respectable people do it in person, cowards use email, cowards over 45 use snail mail, and assholes text message. But I think it's time we step it down a notch.

Introducing… IM innuendo!

Scenario 1: Hitting It Off

CanIFuckYou: heeeey
partychica1: hey
CanIFuckYou: sup giirl
partychica1: sup, who is this?
CanIFuckYou: its court
partychica1: oh hey
partychica1: nice sn haha
partychica1: what happened to courtjester5000?
CanIFuckYou: huh?
CanIFuckYou: i just wanted to say i had a good time hangin out last night and i wish we could've stayed out later
CanIFuckYou: how'd your test go this morning?
partychica1: it was alright, i think i messed up the essay part tho
CanIFuckYou: ya so anyway, i was wondering
CanIFuckYou: ?
partychica1: what
CanIFuckYou: ?
partychica1: ?
CanIFuckYou: wow, this is awkward
CanIFuckYou: umm
CanIFuckYou: i kind of got a new screenname when i went home last night
CanIFuckYou: unsatisfied…
partychica1: uhhh
CanIFuckYou: hold on, brb
CanIFuckYou signed off at 5:35:05 PM.
IGotSweetandSourSauceforYourPussy signed on at 5:35:58 PM.
IGotSweetandSourSauceforYourPussy: back
partychica1: fuck u
partychica1 signed off at 5:37:23 PM.
IGotSweetandSourSauceforYourPussy: shit, i knew i should have gone with tabasco

Scenario 2: Calling It Off

IWantToBreakUp: sup…
partychica1: hey
partychica1: who is this?
IWantToBreakUp: it's court… we need to talk
partychica1: Oh hey baby!! What’s with the new screename?
IWantToBreakUp: I’ve been thinking a lot about us recently
IWantToBreakUp: and I don’t think it’s gonna workout
partychica1: you were great last night
partychica1: wait, youre about to go workout?
IWantToBreakUp: no i
partychica1: k well call me when youre done
IWantToBreakUp: hmm.. are you reading what I’m typing?
partychica1: I’m making tacos for dinner..

Scenario 3: Introducing the 3rd Party

ICheatedOnYou: hey 🙁
partychica1: who is this?
ICheatedOnYou: it's me baby
partychica1: who's me?
ICheatedOnYou: umm… your bf
partychica1: uhhh riight
ICheatedOnYou: listen, i really dont know how to tell you this, other than… well
ICheatedOnYou:
partychica1: ….
ICheatedOnYou: i used to be courtjester5000 remember?
partychica1: who is this really?
ICheatedOnYou: remember when lauren and i studied together last week?
partychica1: wtf??
ICheatedOnYou: i only meant for us to get B's, but… it turned into more than that
partychica1: ok, i dont know who the hell this is but im leaving
ICheatedOnYou: WAIT
partychica1: what
ICheatedOnYou: ok, remember that time we came up with a secret place to meet in case either of us ever got in serious trouble?
ICheatedOnYou: ……
ICheatedOnYou: highland creek by the tennis courts?
partychica1: oh you FUCKING ASSHOLE
ICheatedOnYou: i mean uhh, we got A's?

Remember, AIM is your friend, and screennames are his belongings. Borrow them indiscriminately.

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