After years of insomnia, I decided to analyze my sleeping problems a little more closely. Foolishly, I decided to do this at 3am rather than in the afternoon. I concluded that, "I am awake at 3am because I am analyzing the reasons why I am awake at 3am." I decided to quit analyzing for the night, assuming that if I just slept on it, things would make more sense in the morning. Of course, I couldn’t get to sleep.

I have narrowed my problem down to two key areas. First, after 23 years of trying to sleep, I still don’t know whether I prefer to have two pillows or one. How am I meant to know which one I sleep more comfortably with, when every time I get to the point of finding out, I find myself unconscious?

Second, I find that when it comes to sleeping, I never know where to put my arms. I’ve tried putting them in various places, but they always end up back on the bed. Do I lie on my arms? Do I place them out in front of me? I have no idea. One night I tried watching a documentary about insomnia because I was told it would help me sleep; unfortunately, the volume was too loud.

They say that if you practice something hard enough, you’ll eventually become an expert. Then how come I try sleeping every single night but always fail so miserably? Nobody else seems to have this problem; they’re all experts at it. For example, my Facebook friend Marco Gilbergo from Chile is so good at sleeping he can do it with his eyes closed.

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Have you ever heard the theory that the best way to fall asleep is to actually try and keep yourself awake? Yeah, apparently the more you try and force yourself to stay awake, the easier it is to fall asleep. So I decided to try it.  I did whatever it took to stay awake. I put on some music, ordered a pizza and invited some friends ‘round. I didn’t sleep.

I’ve been keeping my eyes open for new ways to sleep but to no avail. I guess a lot of it is fear; to surrender to sleep feels like giving up all your power. Worse than that, what if you sleep all the way through breakfast? I often find that by the time it gets to 4am, I’m already looking forward to breakfast; which is why I sit there anxiously awaiting 7am. I jump up out of bed, rush downstairs, and then realize we’re all out of cornflakes. Even the bread is moldy.

Apparently there is no better way of falling asleep than in the arms of a beautiful woman. So I tried it, and it worked, briefly, until the beautiful woman asked me what I was doing in her bed.

Then I met another beautiful woman, and she became my girlfriend. Things really did improve, and she seemed to understand my problem. Every night, at about eight o’clock, she would ask me if I "fancy retiring to the bedroom for the night." I always jumped at the chance. She’d drag me to the room and rip off my clothes-I could see the pure joy in her face as we both crawled under the covers. She would ask me, "What do you want to do now?" as if she could read my mind, and within twenty seconds I’d be snoring.

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Unfortunately, she broke up with me soon after; I never found out why.

So there you have it-loads of different theories, but unfortunately I still find myself awake at night. As a last resort, I visited my doctor. I pleaded with him to give me some advice, or some pills, or a new mattress; but he refused and said I should just exercise more. Of course, I followed his advice but found it even harder to sleep whilst running on a treadmill.

It seems there really is no answer to this problem. I give up.

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