Being a supermodel sure trumps waiting tables or cleaning bed pans, let me tell you, girls. True, I still have to put up with old geezers wanting to pinch my butt, but most of them are too afraid to try it, now. The few that aren't are usually millionaires high on coke, but even they fail at it because my butt is pretty tight, and hard to pinch.
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I've done some crazy stuff in my life. I'm no daredevil, but I've certainly done some things in my life that I'm not so proud of. I've had friends whom I had no business being friends with, I've had more than a few poor business investments, I obsessively TiVo every episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8, and I never finished high school.

But this one has got to take the cake. Read More »

I did it bitches. I fuckin' healed the world. I just GDCed my way into the hearts and minds of billions of people and cured cancer. That sweet techno beat I threw down on the chorus underneath those buttery lyrics is so money that it eliminated world poverty. Read More »

Oh, I see you staring at me from the other side of this Starbucks. I know it looks like you're reading that two-month-old copy of Newsweek, but really, you see me, and you want me. That's right; just let those eyes peek out from the top of that article about rising gas prices. I've got something rising right here, and much like the oil bubble you're reading about, I'm ready to burst. Read More »

Dear Sarah Palin,

Hey girl heeeey! I'm soOoOo excited that you're running for Vice President of the United States, I'm totally voting for you! Read More »

I should just expressly state my purpose here:  I intend to pursue any type of sex act with That One Girl From Clarissa Explains It All (I believe it's "Clarissa" actually).  Before I amplify the reasons, if you find yourself in the position to make this happen--I don't know, maybe you're her manager or best friend, whatever--please please, for god's sake, and for the s Read More »

Hello, I'm Dr. Tickles, and I thank you for coming to Memorialwood Area Hospital. You keep my bathtub filled with money, patients like you. I'd almost say I love you, except that I don't love anything or anyone, except prostitutes and heroin. Read More »

It's not a completely true statement to say that rabbits make terrible workers. Just last week a rabbit mechanic worked on my Mustang and it's good as new. Read More »

In a move that shocked the drinking game world, sophomore Lance Williams inked a three-year, $12 million deal with campus fraternity Omega Tau Beta.

Williams, widely considered beer pong's top prospect, chose to remain independent his freshman year in an attempt to "work on his fundamentals" and "have a normal college experience." Read More »

Principal Billingsley: Class, settle down. Settle down now. Unfortunately, your teacher Mrs. Hoover is sick today.

Class: Awww! Read More »

Has this ever happened to you? You go down to the basement for yet another "final confrontation" with the fiend that has taken over your life. There it is: the brain in the jar--the brain you've been keeping alive with liquid nutrients. Attached to it are lots of wires connected to all this fancy lab stuff.  One wire is even connected to a speaker so the damned thing can talk to you. Do this! Do that! Obey me! All it ever does is give you orders. Read More »

John Adams: Mr. President, we got word that a stage coach was captured by terrorists on its way to New York, 5 days ago.

George Washington: 5 days ago? Why would I care about something that happened 5 days ago? Read More »

Before I get into Qing Fo, the Chinese Squid Woman, there are a couple of matters I want to deal with. Read More »

I don't know what you're talking about man, I'm not holding. I don't even know what holding means. But if I did know what it means, and if I were in fact doing it (which is not to be taken to mean that I am) I would be holding the best stuff you've ever seen. Read More »

Good morning students, this is Principal Tomlinson. It's Monday and the current time is 6:15 AM. Here are today's announcements. Read More »