"With friends like these..."

You know exactly what friends I'm talking about. They're those jackasses you can't stand being around, but you've been around them so long that not hanging around with them makes you feel weird. Weird like sobriety after coming off a month-long bender weird. Read More »

Robert Kardashian
4628 Hollywood Blvd
Suite A
Hollywood, CA 90027

Mr. Kardashian:

I am writing to inform you of a wonderful investment opportunity. Read More »

Good evening, Citizens of America, this is your President, Barack Obama. I have assembled this press conference to address the events that I just found out took place last night. While many leaders would sweep catastrophes like this under the rug and pretend they never happened, I feel it is my obligation to address the elephant in the room. Hillary Clinton, that is. Read More »

I think I have figured out a way to save the Earth. Having just performed a blind taste test on 6000 people regarding 200 various liquids based on drinkability, it turns out that ocean water comes in at #183 on the charts, fitting snugly between horse semen and Bud Light Clamato. The most common response to drinking the brackish lager? "What the fuck, man? Read More »

In this eavesdrop, the cell phone conversation between a supermodel and an astrophysicist is snatched from the air. Let's listen in...

GISELE: Yeah, well, how old are you?

GEORGE: 28. Is that important?

GISELE: Depends. So, what do you do? Read More »

Even if you're like, totally fucked up and in a wheelchair, you can still garden, okay? Millions of disabled people assume they can't, but that's only because nobody told them how, which is what I intend to do. Read More »

"Oh my God! Thank you so much for this award. First of all, I'd like to thank Jesus for this award. He's the reason I have this award. If it wasn't for Jesus I'd still be serving baby back ribs at Hooters. Jesus and I were discussing my project and he really guided me...like with the lighting and the set design and my makeup. Read More »

This is the greatest cereal I've ever eaten. It's crunchy yet smooth; bitter yet sweet. This cereal is like the Civil Rights movement poured into a bowl. If you took every Dragon Force song and added milk, it would be this cereal. Chewing it feels like the scene in King Kong where he battles the T-Rex is unfolding in my mouth. Mmm... Read More »

What if unicorns ran the world? Could such a wondrous time exist? I'm sure you ask yourself this every day. I know I do. A time of horses with horns and...well I guess that would really be the only change. But it would still be awesome. Read More »

I had never had a one-night stand...until last night. I awoke this morning a new man, proudly admiring the brown stain splattered across the ceiling. I had finally sealed the deal, but not just that, I boned like a rock star. The leftovers told the tale of a heroic evening, for there were remnants of a night filled with X-rated debauchery everywhere. Read More »

Note: We at Starbucks take coffee very seriously, dating it for six months before we even consider making a breast move. If you would not sell your own mother into white slavery for a good espresso, please just go apply at Tully's.

QUESTIONS

What do you love about coffee? Read More »

Okay, I'm going to be totally honest with you: I was the one that shot you in the ovaries. It was a rookie mistake; I thought I was shooting a glass bottle on a rail post, and it turns out it was your baby compartment. My bad. In my defense, you should have waved your hands or something when you crossed the street. Read More »

10:37pm: I need alcohol in me, like, big time. I don't think I'm addicted, but I just really want to drink. Does that make me an alcoholic?

10:40: Answer: It makes me a college student. I'm relieved, for a second I thought I was an alcoholic. Whew, that's a load off my back. Read More »

It's not you, it's me.  Just kidding, it's you.  You've been holding me back.  I have inspirations, I have dreams!  There are so many insights that I can't achieve with you in my life—like having sex with all the Playboy Bunnies.  It's not that you're holding me back; it's that with you present in my life I can't do anything.  It'll be easier without you.  I have to do things on my own Read More »

A Totally Non-Fiction Sketch That Has Never Happened to Me, Ever

Carly: He's going to be here any minute.

Sam: Oh come on, just take a few hits...

Carly: Listen, we're Drew's best friends, and he said he's coming over to talk about the girl he's had a crush on for like a year. We've got to stay sharp. Read More »