Happy New Year, Northeast passengers! In a few moments we will begin boarding Northeast Flight 1786 to New York’s LaGuardia Airport. Going by the presence of all black clothing, oversized headphones, lattes, and jaded demeanors, it appears you’re all definitely in the correct gate area.

Boarding airplane to LaGuardia at gate

At this time we ask any passengers traveling with small children to please come forward, take a left, and continue walking until you reach the door marked EXIT. Seriously, what were you thinking, bringing these tiny humans on a goddamn plane? If it can’t quote JZ and order at a bar it doesn’t fly to New York City.

Any NYC-based artist who glanced longingly at the flights to Paris, Vancouver, Tokyo, Berlin or Mexico City… we welcome you to board.We’d like to pre-board today’s flight with anyone who has never, ever been called to board first but sincerely believes they have always deserved it.

One at a time, ladies and gentlemen! Looks like we have a lot of deserving passengers on today’s flight with a lot of privileged-sized carry-ons, so for the rest of you, we’ll need to go ahead and gate-check literally anything that doesn’t fit in your pockets.

Ma’am? Yes, the elderly lady? We’re going to need to check that oxygen tank.

Any New Yorker who was unduly harassed or otherwise victimized by an esteemed member of New York’s Finest in the year 2015, you are welcome to board at this time. Enjoy your police-free flight.

If you’re experiencing withdrawals from any substance you recently quit on January 1 and relapsed on today, January 2, by all means please board at this time.

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Next, anyone who has lived in NYC for 10+ years is now welcome to board. This boarding announcement is the only tangible recognition you’re gonna get for the decade of your life you’ve spent stressing yourself nearly to death to survive in the city, unless you count that Facebook post you do every year on your "anniversary" that gets like, 5 likes. By the way rent is due.

Any NYC-based artist who glanced longingly at the flights to Paris, Vancouver, Tokyo, Berlin or Mexico City on the way to this gate—god, anywhere but NYC, I could earn a living wage as an artist, you were thinking—we welcome you aboard.

Wow, hey! There’s only one of you this year? Well, it’s not the early 00s anymore, is it. FYI you didn’t get that grant it took you 18 hours to apply for after all. But we’ll help you stock up on free peanuts! You look hungry. And tired. Living your dream must be exhausting.

Now any of our millennial passengers, struggling to find their footing in one of the world’s most expensive cities, who were recently told to "pull themselves up by their bootstraps" by an older baby-boomer relative whose generation is literally responsible for melting the ice caps, you are welcome to board at this time. It will get better when they finally retire/die and you get their job. Too bad about the polar bears though, amirite?

Lastly, we’d like to welcome aboard our Cloudmiles Premier, Cloudmiles Diamond, Platinum, Platinum Plus, Gold, Silver, Bronze, Emerald, Ruby, Sapphire, Steel, Titanium, Copper, Iron, Quartz, Nickel, Nickel Alloy, and Cubic Zirconia Members as well as our First Class passengers. We truly appreciate your loyalty.

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Thank you for flying Northeast Air! Let us know how your viciously hungover pilot works out that whole landing thing with the hashtag #NortheastAirDontCare. And have a safe New Year!

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