Dear Litz Snacks’ Stellar Sales Team (north-east region),

Effective immediately, there should be no snacks in conference rooms during the weekly snacks sales review meetings. None. Our conference rooms are sacred spaces, and we want to devote ourselves fully to the agenda of the meetings.

Also, because our snacks are so addictively good, it’s distracting.

Research has shown whenever employees are in a meeting trying to track an interaction and eat snacks, they're engaged in a divided-attention task. Meaning, they do both tasks poorly. We want you to focus on the interaction. The work. For which you were born and signed the employment agreement. Not eat the most delicious chip flavors in the world, i.e, ours.

You should not be having delicious jalapeño poppers during the sales meeting. You should be focusing on how we are pushing these delicious poppers into the local school lunches, You should not be having delicious corn tortilla salsa BBQ tadka chicken, you should be focusing on the sales in bars and pubs all over and how can they add OUR snacks as appetizers, you should not be having the most delicious, yummiest, crunchiest, sweet-and-sourest, marshmallow-est drunk chips (as you’ll recall Time magazine called it the 9th wonder of the world and Life magazine did an exclusive profile). You should think of and execute ways for us to be in Time magazine again.

Our sales have been steady, but since the corporate mandate of 10% year-on-year revenue growth through non-traditional sales channels, I strongly believe that the direct benefits of instituting a policy of no snacks in the weekly snacks sales review meetings will be manifold. It will save money and time, we won't have to clean the carpet after every meeting, and it will do away with the necessity to make the fake gesture of offering your snack to others in the room. It’s like offering a stranger a seat on a train hoping they’ll say no.

Other tangential benefits of this new policy are self-evident: an increase in productivity, better eating habits and diet, less distractions, and an increased attention span.

Reaching for the stars. Sky’s the limit. Limitless sky.

As the Director of Human Resources, I would like to remind you, at the time of your hiring you agreed that you will only be paid for appropriate work. An updated copy of the employee handbook will now specify that “appropriate work” does not including copiously sampling our snacks. The handbook is shared on the intranet, you can refer to the section 17.2.6 for more details. Or if you want a hard copy, it’s near the printer beside the inventory of all our snacks on the east side of the 14th floor.

We look forward to your complete cooperation. As always, please do not hesitate to reach out in case of questions, concerns, or thoughts. We are thankful for your hard work and creativity. Your work is as yummy, crunchy, and delicious—just like our chips!

Sincerely
William Kennedy
Director, Human Resources
LITZ® SNACKS INC.
America’s #1 snack for 17 years. Changing America’s eating habits, one chip at a time.

P.S: Please don’t forget to try our new summer favorite flavors. We are getting some great reviews from the tasting lab runs.

P.S.S: Addendum, you can’t try our new summer favorite flavors. No more snacks for employees. Period. You can buy them at full price from any of the Human Resources Representatives. We accept card, Venmo, or we can deduct it from your paychecks.

Remember, we are always here for you.

 

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