After recently parting ways with an ex, I’ve realized just how strange the concept of monogamy is to us men. Women will never truly understand exactly how we view this in our mind. To them, monogamy is a hobby like knitting or shopping: they just do it and don’t think about all the fun they could be having if they gave it up and stopped wasting time doing something so pointless.

Men view things a bit differently.

You see, men realize that there’s a great big world of women out there, and, as it was for our ancestors, it is our duty as well to step out and explore it. It is in our blood to be brave adventurers. All of us have that special connection to the folklore legend of Johnny Appleseed, and, like he before us, men look out on the land and see an opportunity-nay, a duty to spread our seed far and wide, to every corner of the earth. A specific destination isn’t even required, just as long as we’re out there. Like Columbus of old, we could set off looking for China and end up in South America. Hell, we might even come across a Brazilian.

I think the best way to put it is that men need different vaginas like women need different pairs of shoes. I myself own five pairs of shoes: a pair for running, a pair for dressing up, two casual pairs and a pair of flip flops. My ex owned 30 pairs. This just completely stupefied me. For the life of me I can’t think of any rational reason why anyone would need so many damn pairs of shoes, enough last me my entire lifetime, never again needing to venture into a Foot Locker. Conversely, she just didn’t understand why I had to cheat on her with her best friend.

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But alas, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Our brains just function on different wavelengths, and unless some bizarre electrical storm scrambles our signals and patches us through to a different time a la Frequency, our trails of thought are sure to never come into contact.

What is the cause of such a lack of singular commitment on the part of men?

Some may say that it is the total lack of self-control on the part of the male, but I myself choose not to believe in such a mudslinging accusation. I blame technology. In the olden days of our grandparents, monogamy was the hip thing to do for the sole reason that you could not get away with cheating. With only one in three houses having a phone and only so many malt shops in the world, a man trying to get a bit on the side was bound to get caught. Now things are not so difficult. Between Facebook, Instant Messenger, and text messaging, it’s almost as easy to get a booty call as it is to order a pizza. We’re still working on the three for fifteen-dollar deals, however.

With a few keystrokes, you can save yourself a world of stroking in the future, so how could any red-blooded American male stay true? Unfortunately, that is the world that we live in today. With monogamy becoming a thing of the past, women realize it will take much more to keep their boyfriends. Some opt to go the crazy route, threatening castration or phallic removal as penalty of cheating. Others take the passive route and do that thing that we all want but others girls won’t do. Yeah, you know the thing.

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Now I am not advocating cheating of any kind (unless the girl is really hot) and I myself have not partaken in the dual girl lifestyle, but one could see where the appeal is coming from. You have the excitement, the branching out, the networking; it’s the same reason why MySpace became so popular.

Most of all though, above anything else, in the day and age that we leave on, you basically have little to no chance of being caught. It’s much like a condom: every once in a while a freak accident occurs and people start crying and screaming and shitting themselves, but for the most part you have a 99% percent guarantee of safety. Add in the likelihood of an accidental alcohol-induced abortion the baby may sustain before the woman is aware of her pregnancy, and the odds are definitely in your favor.

Though this may seem like I am convincing you to be unfaithful, it couldn’t be further from the truth. In all honesty, it is quite the opposite. You can only go out and have sex with so many beautiful women before it loses its appeal. The emptiness starts to settle in and you realize that you are not truly happy. You will become miserable and bitter, and I want to prevent that from happening to you, dear reader. So I encourage you, plead with you, beg you and urge you: find the one person who makes you happy and stay true to her, treat her like the angel she is, be with her and only her for eternity.

You know, unless she doesn’t give head.

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