By contributing writer Josh Stanfield

You may have noticed it from afar, winking at you while dancing with your every step. You may have even felt its seductive brush against your body, beckoning your touch. However, if you are consulting this article, odds are you are not as “familiar” with your penis as you may wish. Have no fear, the following paragraphs contain all the information you need to fully and effectively seduce your penis.

The first step in any seduction is learning about your prey. Who is your penis? Where does it hang out? What entices him (or her)? At times your member may appear a distant enigma, but have no fear, your penis is as attached to you as you are to it; all you have to do is find a way to connect with your loving partner.

One way to earn your penis' trust is to earn the trust of its closest friend, the scrotum. This may sound easy, but I assure you, the scrotum is no push over. It demands constant supervision and will gladly let you know if it is uncomfortable in anyway. In many regards, your scrotum is akin to an old man: wrinkly, cranky, and dressed with a thin coat of hair. He does not like extreme temperatures and will react accordingly. Should the weather be too chilly, he will retreat inwards, convincing the penis to join him. This is not acceptable and your best bet is to avoid uncomfortable situations. Likewise, should your scrotum be attacked in anyway, either by an accidental bump or a full on assault by your ex-girlfriend, it will notify you of its displeasure. Odds are your penis will want nothing to do with you until the scrotum has healed and come to terms with the incident. Make sure your scrotum is pleased at all times, but don't compromise your relationship with your penis, remember, you aren't trying to seduce your scrotum.


Enticing holes your penis may not enjoy include small geysers and inactive volcanoes.

When approaching the seduction phase, one must remember to be kind to your penis. No matter what type of relationship you plan on having with your member, you should always begin by being gentle and considerate, making sure to take into account both its feelings and yours. Although your penis may fit in a variety of holes, try to reserve it for holes which both you and it can enjoy. For example, holes in the wall, toaster, or any holes belonging to a relative should be avoided. This is a sure fire way to tell your penis “Hey, you can trust me penis, we're buddies.”

The final step is the seduction. Now be aware that your penis may be a little nervous the first time. Be considerate. While you may prefer a rougher physical relationship, make sure the seduction is soft and slow. Utilize a variety of water-based lubricants. Try lighting a few candles, playing some soothing music, and gently approaching your penis. At first your penis may be timid, so only use one hand, preferably your strongest one, to carefully massage it. If your technique is effective, you will see the fruits of your labor instantly. Continue with the effective technique until you reach a climax. Then carefully clean up any subsequent mess and leave the public toilet as if nothing had happened.

After a few romps in the bed, or in the car, or on your friend's sister's pillow, you and your penis will find yourselves madly in love with each other. While this is undoubtedly a wonderful experience for you both, many will not be able to appreciate your new found love. Most of them will be Catholic, but some may just be your average passerby. It's best to avoid public displays of affection between you and your penis. While there may be countless reasons to celebrate your new love: a gentle breeze; the shaking of a public bus; maybe even the low cut shirt of a passing woman; it is entirely unacceptable to openly express your desires. In the event that your emotions do get the best of you, try to find a secluded place to physically enjoy your penis’ company. A closed off room is your best bet. Under no circumstances should you attempt to seduce your penis through your pants pocket—it will only cheapen your love and dramatically reduce the resale value of your trousers.

There may be times when your penis angers or embarrasses you. Perhaps your penis will become aroused during inappropriate times, perhaps it will not be ready for love when you are. That's fine; you can get what you want out of your penis if you are considerate and reasonable. Should your penis desire affection during an inappropriate time, try distracting it with your imagination. Try thinking of scary, disgusting, or even embarrassing thoughts, such as how you have to consult a manual in order to jerk off. This should send your erection into remission and allow you to continue conversing with your grandmother. Should your penis not desire affection when you do, try gently stroking and playing with it. Eventually your penis will lighten up and respond appropriately.

With these instructions in mind you are now able to begin the seduction of your penis. Remember, true love blossoms from trust and understanding, not from cheap whiskey and peep shows. Don't push your penis too hard and always be ready to hear its opinion of your relationship. That being said, I'm sure you and your penis will enjoy many romantic evenings together. Don't be afraid to express your emotions, caress its head gently, tell your penis you love it, and enjoy the rest of your days together.

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