|
Wasting the day outside with your friends, no real responsibility to
speak of, long naps in the afternoon… college is a completely unique
time in one’s life. And yet, the whole thing also seems strangely
familiar, doesn’t it? Almost as if you’ve done this all before. One
could make the argument that the last years of your academic life
are also wildly similar to the first years of your academic life,
namely kindergarten. In fact, Robert Fulghum’s
All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten provides
some rules that are supposed to apply to everyday life, and that
includes the time you’ll spend at a degree-granting institution.
But do they really apply to college life? No, no they don’t.
Allow me to illustrate just how wrong Mr. Fulghum’s rules are when compared
to the rules of life during one’s college years.
Kindergarten:
Share everything and don’t take things that aren’t yours.
College:
Frankly, college is a lot like entering the Thunderdome. You’re going to have to
fend for yourself if you want to make it out alive. For as much time as you’ll
spend labeling your food with a roll of masking tape and a black marker, your
roommate will spend just as much time eating said food. And that’s just food.
What about those sons of bitches who waltz into your dorm room and help
themselves to your beer even though they didn’t offer to pay you for it and
don’t have any money even if they did? No, it’s people like that who need to
understand that in the real world, things aren’t free, they’re earned. Or else
they will die of exposure. It’s called “thinning out the herd” and it’s good for
all of us. Mainly though, the whole “share everything” idea doesn’t quite work
in the real world because, in a nutshell, we’re not Communists.
Kindergarten:
Play fair.
College:
Again, it’s every man for himself in the world of academia, so playing fair is
only going to set you back. You know that saying, “Nice guys finish last”? It’s
not just a catchy song by Green Day, it’s the truth. And while you should try to
play fair most of the time, remember, “Winners always cheat and cheaters always
win.” You know who said that? Aristotle. Or someone else, maybe, I really don’t
know. I only passed philosophy because I paid a guy to write my term paper for
me.
|
Revised Rule: Cheat to win. |
Kindergarten:
Don’t hit people.
College:
Well, no, you shouldn’t hit people. And yet this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t
discourage others from hitting people. If you’re at a bar and you notice that
one popped-collar-American Eagle wearing chucklefuck spills his Bud Light on
another popped-collar-American Eagle wearing chucklefuck, you really should be
the first one in there screaming, “Fight! Fight! Fight!” Because, no matter how
old you are, seeing two drunken jackasses slap at each other because neither one
can take a punch is hilarious.
|
Revised Rule: Pressure others into hitting each other
for your amusement. |
Kindergarten:
Put things back where you found them and clean up your own mess.
College:
You know what? You’re in your 20’s now. If you feel like coming home from a hard
day’s work (read: one 45-minute class and three hours at your student worker
job) and feel like taking off your pants and throwing them on the kitchen floor,
then you should be able to do just that. Besides, who was the one that ever said
dirty clothes have to go in the hamper, dishes have to go in a cupboard, and
uneaten food has to go in the trash? Maybe cold spaghetti belongs on the floor.
Who the hell are you to tell spaghetti where to live? You are not the boss of
spaghetti.
|
Revised Rule: Heave stuff wherever it’s most
convenient to you. |
Kindergarten:
Flush.
College:
Look, sometimes there’s no time to flush in between vomiting profusely and
passing out on your bathroom floor. In this case, shouldn’t your focus be on not
smashing your face into the tile floor as opposed to making sure that your waste
is properly disposed of?
|
Revised Rule: Try to remember to flush, but really,
don’t worry too much about it. After all, who the hell do you have
to impress? |
Kindergarten:
Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
College:
Well, if that’s true, then warm Ramen noodles and a cold beer must be good for
you too. Wait right here, I’ll alert the media.
|
Revised Rule: Eating unhealthy food will make you
stronger. It will also make you slightly pudgy, but that’s neither
here nor there. |
Kindergarten:
Take a nap every afternoon.
College:
Actually, I’m in totally agreement with this. In fact, don’t just limit your
naps to the afternoon. Feel free to take them as often as you can. Sometimes
just getting out of bed tires me out so much that I need to lie down on my couch
for a few hours.
|
Revised Rule: Nap as much as possible. |
Kindergarten:
When you go out in the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands and stick
together.
College:
Yeah, you go ahead and try to hold hands with your frat brother as you two
head down to a kegger. See how well that goes over.
|
Revised Rule: When you go out into the world, make
sure your buddies aren’t passed out in the bushes somewhere or about
to get their asses kicked by the lacrosse team. Other than that,
those idiots are on their own. |
Kindergarten:
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: the roots go
down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all
like that.
College:
Um, is Robert Fulghum telling us we should experiment with drugs? Because it
sounds like Robert Fulghum is telling us we should experiment with drugs.
|
Revised Rule: I don’t even really know what the hell
that rule is supposed to be talking about. |
Kindergarten:
Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the
Styrofoam cup—they all die. So do we.
College:
Forget that. From the ages of 17 to 26, you’re invincible. Everyone knows that.
Frankly, in those nine years, you’re like the Highlander. The only way you can
die is if someone cuts off your head in order to steal your power. And how often
do you think that’s going to happen? Pretty infrequently, my friend, pretty
infrequently.
Kindergarten:
And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned—the
biggest word of all—LOOK.
College:
Well, LOOK is probably the second biggest word of all when it comes to college
life. The first, of course, being DRINK. Yeah, if one word is going to sum up
your college career, it’s most likely going to be DRINK.
|
Revised Rule: DRINK, you bastard! Then LOOK, then
STARE. Because titties like those
won’t last forever, my friend. |
|
Share this article
| 
