Gastronomic Dating Tips

You finally got her number. You can’t wait to take her out and show her a good time. You’re smoovin’ heavy, feelin’ good, money in your pocket, you got jingle, and it feels like panty Christmas. She's into you like a gambling addict is into Tony Soprano—she wants to play. What could possibly go wrong?

How about indigestion? Heartburn? A stomach bubble?

There’s a reason that the evening news has five minutes of advertisements for Zantac and Nexium every night of the week: a high percentage of men experience stomach maladies on a regular basis. Tragically for you, being so concerned about your big date, you didn’t even stop to consider your gastronomic condition, the well-being of your intestines, or the festering New York strip you chunnelled down your gullet at lunch. What a shame, too, because the ignored stomach and bowel has a method of silent revenge. Silent but deadly.

No discomfort will be as memorable as the discomfort felt during that special date, where she can visibly notice you are acting strange, or if you let one slip, Lord have mercy. After all the hard work to wax the car, get a fresh haircut, buy flowers, shave your nasty self, get dressed up, and think about what to say, imagine the disappointment you’ll feel when you can’t get it up at show time because you have gas. You can be Derek Jeter, but toot a stinky just one time and suddenly you become David Wells. Toot a stinky twice and you’re no better off than the Elephant Man. And then you can kiss that sex goodbye, brother, ‘cause three heads ain’t better than two.

All you need is a little preventive maintenance before you go out for the night. Whether this girl is going to be your special lady for life or just a midnight rodeo, you want to exude comfort, confidence, and security, not the symptoms glibly repeated on Pepto Bismol ads—constipation, bloating, diarrhea, and excess gas. Lucky for you, avoiding this issue is possible by following a few simple steps before heading out for the night.

1. Don’t be Afraid to Have Some Peas

As a bachelor, men try to perfect their lives for efficiency in all aspects. Over time, men find ways to prepare meals at home in ten minutes or less. Meals that you eat tend to be those that can be assembled and cooked quickly and get you back in front of the TV for your maximum SportsCenter viewing. I’ve seen you cook. One night it’s a pile of noodles, the next night you gorged on a massive steak like John Candy in The Great Outdoors, the night after that you ate a whole head of lettuce with two carrot shavings dangling off it, and the night after that, man, you ate three cans of tuna straight from the tin! As a bachelor, you think the food pyramid only applies to you over the long term. You took in enough meat on Monday to last six days, enough lettuce on Tuesday to cover until Thursday.

But you can’t be afraid to take that meat and put some peas around it. Or throw a potato in the microwave, for god’s sake, even that only takes five minutes. The stomach responds poorly to an overload of one item. Your stomach says, “Noodles, great! More noodles good. Is that all der is? Where da peas at? How about a grape? Don’t I live in America, land-o-plenty?” Kind of like how a man responds to the overload of sleeping with the same woman, but that’s another topic.

2. Avoid Vapor Lock

An old wives tale states that a man snores only when he sleeps on his back. Snoring is an unnecessary intake of air that can possibly reach your stomach and produce unwanted effects. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock. Sleep on your stomach the night before the date.

3. Stirred, Not Shaken

If you order a stein of Heineken or Colt 45 Malt Liquor with your meal, you just put a work order into your bowels that said, “Produce gas on the double.” You just became a yeast bomb. If you are ordering drinks with the meal, make it wine or a mixed drink on the rocks. Don’t try to be James Bond and have your drink shaken either; stir that margarita on the rocks and keep the bubbles down.

4. Fries with That?

“Sure, why not?” Hell no, fool. Try a Caesar salad. How many times have you walked out of McDonald’s and gone straight to a toilet? Now, how many times have you walked out of McDonald’s and gone right back in to their toilet? Enough said.

5. Coffee & Dessert

Joke about the cheesecake on the dessert menu so that she can say “I’m too fat already” and you can say “No baby, you’re the bees knees” or something better, I would hope. Decide together on what dessert to “share” and show how you are a sensitive tomcat who doesn’t mind sharing the cream.

As for coffee, the waiter urges you to buy the specialty drink like the Spanish coffee. Unless it’s coming with Spanish fly in it, stick to straight coffee with a shot of Sambuca or Irish crème. The specialty coffee will be laced with six shots of Frangelica, whipped cream on top, and enough caffeine to pucker Mr. Ed’s lips. Eat that dessert slowly or you’ll be ripping butt by the time you get her to the movie.

You and your date don’t need your own personal large sodas. 52 ounces of bubbling paint remover should be enough for the two of you to share (you’re sensitive, remember?). If you must get a large popcorn, cut yourself off when the butter is gone. But don’t let her eat the whole bucket by herself either. If she eats all that popcorn, her belly will be more distended than a malnourished child on a UNICEF commercial. Moreover, if she’s feeling bloated, she isn't going to be removing any clothes to show you her bloated stomach. Limit the popcorn feast. There's an expression that sums this up: drier than a popcorn fart. Remember, popcorn is just corn kernels infused with hot gas. Think about that.

7. Soda Refills

This guy I know once drank three separate 52 ounce sodas during a single movie. The movie was The Ring. He went to the late show and arrived home at 1:00 in the morning. Needless to say, he did not sleep for three days. The friendly theater staff may tell you that it only costs you an extra 25 cents to upgrade to a silo size, but that doesn't mean you should. You will vibrate right out of bed and lose part of your soul. Your date will end up as more of a psychiatrist than a lover after that. No refills unless you walked through the desert to get to the theater.

Self-administer an enema three hours prior to your date. Don’t be afraid. Choose a warm comfortable place, like in the closet. Lying on a cold floor makes it difficult to relax. The more relaxed you are, the easier it is to accept the enema. Fill the enema container with warm filtered water. Lubricate the rectal tube. Get in any of the numerous possible positions for administering and receiving enemas. After you’re in position, gently insert the nozzle of the tube and start the water flow, which should move into your large intestine at a rate of about one cup per minute, or 46 more teaspoons of semen than you’re used to. If you feel cramping, clamp the tubing off and wait for cramping to subside (should only take a few seconds) then resume the flow. Try to take the entire contents of the enema bag during one injection. If you cannot hold the entire bag inside you, move rapidly to the toilet and expel violently. Then refill the enema bag and begin again.

Repeat this a dozen times. Next time, try adding lemon juice to the water for a better cleansing effect of the large intestine.

If that doesn’t keep the stomach in check, you have serious stomach problems and need an endoscopy done. Get used to being alone.