At first, being the intellectually-passive animal-rights observer that most people are in the shower, I was like, "Right on, right on, leave the animals out of it, and let humans take care of their own fancy product testing." And then I started thinking to myself, "You know, what animal would actually RESIST the opportunity to be showered and shampooed with PEAR MANGO PASSION?! Animals should BE so lucky!"

Think about it, this isn't the conditioner they use at the vet, this is Alberto VO5 PEAR MANGO PASSION Herbal Moisturizing Shampoo with aloe and passion flower extracts. Hell, I can't even remember the last time my dog had a bath. He's probably been eyeing the pear mango bottle for some time now. I'm not saying my dog is metrosexual, but if my canine instincts serve me correctly, there's really no better way for him to show off to all the bitches in the neighborhood.

Even if you're a rat or a monkey or something, how could you pass up a free wash and shampoo at your local Alberto VO5 testing facility? We're not talking about chemically-synthesized prunes and sauerkraut here, we're talking about all-natural, herbal pears and mangos...with PASSION FLOWERS! Flowers are like the catchall that no animal can resist. It doesn't get any better than that.

So I decided, with the help of my outraged dog (after I explained the situation to him), that it was time to confront Alberto VO5 about their non-testing policy. Fortunately, just under the non-testing note on the back of the bottle of pear mango heaven, they left a toll-free number for questions and comments. 

After going through a few telephone options, I managed to reach the customer service department for Alberto-Culver, the parent company of the tantalizingly irresistible PEAR MANGO PASSION SHAMPOO.

The following is a real conversation.

ALBERTO-CULVER: Alberto-Culver customer service, how may I help you?

COURT SULLIVAN: Hi, I'm calling in regard to your animal testing policy.

AC: Well sir, we have a strict policy against testing any of our products on animals.

CS: Well, that's actually what I'm calling about.

AC: Okay...

CS: What kind of tests would an animal have to go through exactly? I mean, if you were to test on one...

AC: I really can't say because we don't test on any animals.

CS: Well, I'm thinking for your shampoo—your Pear Mango Passion Herbal Shampoo in particular—that a dog, for instance, would first be wet down, and then smothered in your rich, moisturizing concoction of pears and mangos. Does that sound about right?

AC: Yes, but I can assure you none of our products are tested on animals.

CS: And then he would probably be toweled down and have a few fur samples cut off...if he didn't get your Pear Mango Passion Conditioner experience first. Am I still on track?

AC: I really don't know.

CS: Well I'm guessing you wouldn't take feedback surveys...

AC: [Laughter] No...I really—

CS: —Well, here's what I'm thinking. I'll bring my dog in to your testing facility, sign all the consent forms for him, and you all can just test away. He'll love it I promise.

AC: I'm sorry sir, we can't do that.

CS: Don't worry, he won't demand any monetary compensation or anything. He just needs a hot bath, some sincere pampering, and a whole lot of pears and mangos.

AC: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

CS: I mean, I've already talked to Vidal Sassoon and they test their products on all kinds of happy, well-adjusted animals. Sometimes they even let the animals bathe each other while they take notes...

AC: Okay sir, thank you for choosing Alberto products.

CS: I will be contacting my local humane society about this unfair non-treatment.

AC: Goodbye.

CS: You just hate to see animals happy, don't you?

[Hangs up]

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