Intervention Free

Friend and reader Kevin sent me some books a while back. The books were either written by or about Lewis Grizzard, a former columnist in Atlanta and supposed sexist, alcoholic and general rabble rouser. (He was also a diehard sports fanatic, particularly for baseball and football—you could see why Kev would think I might like reading the guy). Anyway, in one of the books about Grizzard, the author wrote about setting up an intervention for Lewis, who was known to be drunk well, pretty much all the time. However, the attempt to force sobriety on the columnist fell through because Lewis was the most functional of alcoholics.

I wish I could say the same about me.

Now, after a few months of thinking about it, I have concluded that Lewis was the perfect alcoholic because no one, and I mean no one, could really feel it was necessary to stop him from drinking. Which means that, if I am lucky, I will be able to aspire to be the perfect functional alcoholic provided I follow a very strict set of guidelines touched upon in the book, the name of which escapes me.

So, here now, as a result of my perusing of Kev’s gift, are the ways that one can become a fully functional alcoholic, free from interventions and interruptions in his daily drinking.

Have a Drunk Job
Grizzard was a humor columnist and comedian/public speaker. Alcohol makes everything funnier. So from this I glean that if you want to be a functional alcoholic, you must have a gig that practically rewards you for being a drunk. Jobs of this caliber include: writer, comedian, actor, fermentation specialist, musician and sports announcer. I need one of those jobs, but unfortunately, that won’t be enough. To truly be a functional alcoholic, one also needs to limit one’s responsibilities.

Have no Family
Alcoholism can be hard on the children of the drunk, as well as on the spouse. Grizzard, though married a few times, had no children and didn’t have a wife for very long each time. Therefore, he was free from the whole, “You’re hurting the children” rap often heard at interventions. I have this one covered as I have no family of my own, but I do have to drive.

Do not Drive
Grizzard was rich so he could afford a permanent driver. Thus, run ins with the law were limited and ole Lewis was free to sit in the back of a nice limo and suck down bourbon. If you can’t afford a driver, there’re always cabs and public transportation. My point is, if you have a regular need to drive and a regular need to drink, you may get in trouble. Pick one or the other and you probably won’t get arrested. Funny how that works. Of course, it works best if you’re rich.

Be Rich and Generous
If you’re rich and you’re generous, odds are most of your friends won’t want to risk pissing you off by telling you that you need to sober up. God forbid they have to buy their own drinks and golf vacations. You gotta love people.

So there you go. If you have no family, if you are rich and generous, if you don’t have to drive and if you have a cool job, you will probable never suffer the wrath known as intervention.

Aren’t y’all glad I’m here to help?

In the spirit of the new football season: Colts (-6) over Saints.