The Snippets Fell Down a Well

Josh: You ever think you'll live in a neighborhood that doesn't get littered with fliers advertising local drink specials?
Me: God I hope not.

Random Woman: You really shouldn't be smoking.
Me: I know that.
Random Woman: And yet you still do it.
Me: Do you walk around pointing out the obvious to everybody or am I just the lucky asshole, today?
Random Woman: Well?

Me: Dude, the beer's free. I mean, I'm all for tipping these guys but you just gave them twenty bucks.
Fish: They're providing an invaluable service, Nathan. Free beer is priceless.
Me: You're a character, Fish. Always have been.
Fish: Thanks.

Me: So, you know Doug's running a triathlon, tomorrow?
Main: How many times do we have to have this conversation?
Me: What conversation?
Main: You don't run a triathlon. You compete in a triathlon. Triathlons consist of running, swimming and cycling.
Me: Well, look who rode in on his high horse.
Main: It's not that difficult a concept, Nate. I mean shit, you went to college.
Me: Yeah, at South Florida.
Main: Well?

Ray: You hear about that pitcher who died?
Me: Yup.
Ray: Was he any good?
Me: He was a good middle reliever.
Ray: I heard he was drunk when he died.
Me: Could have been.
Ray: I think you'll be drunk when you die.
Me: Dude, I just met you. How can you say that?
Ray: Some people, you can just tell.

Me: I Tivoed the NFL draft.
Reggie: Why?
Me: I like to watch it while I clean and do laundry. Usually, by the time I've actually watched the entire draft, the regular season is here.
Reggie: Man, why don't you watch something more interesting? Like rainfall. Or paint drying.
Me: Well?

Street Preacher: Have you taken Jesus Christ as your lord and savior?
Rick: Yes I have. I've also made him my CEO and put him in charge of ethereal acquisitions.
Me: Good move. He's the right man for the job.
Rick: Yeah, you know how it is. You pay for what you get.
Street Preacher: I don't think you understand what you're saying.
Me: Well you're wrong. You just don't understand what we're saying.
Street Preacher: Jesus is not a CEO. He is Lord.
Rick: Yeah, and that really helps move the meetings along.
Me: Saves you money on office supplies too, I'll bet.
Rick: Oh, hell yeah.
Street Preacher: I'm going to pray for your eternal souls.
Rick: Great. One less job for my CEO to do today.
Me: Today is straight up making you money.

Rochelle: You smoke too much.
Me: I really only smoke when I drink.
Rochelle: You drink too much.
Me: Well?

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