Things that make me want to buy the new Kanye West CD

1. His recent Zach Galifianakis collaboration.

2. Putting 50 Cent's money where his mouth is.

3. Edgy yet poignant lyrics that allow me to sustain the illusion that I understand black people and thus relieve centuries of white guilt.

If Kanye wanted to go the extra mile:
1. Put Gold digger on every track.

The Review Mirror

Transformers are less impressive than they appear.

Ah yes, here we are: movie season again. Of course I'll try not to sensationalize it like the gamut of media outlets, proclaiming their oh-so-astute insight into this summer's theme. It's the COMEDY SUMMER: License to Wed, Knocked Up, and Chuck and Larry. No no that's all wrong it's the RETURN OF THE SEQUELS: Pirates, Spidey, Ocean and Die Hard.

Don't listen to either of those. Because any fool can see that it's the YEAR OF... MOVIES THAT MIGHT HAVE SHIA LEBOUF, but odds are don't!!!

Transformers
YES! It does have Shia LeBouf! That means this film joins the elite rank that is Holes and Even Stevens. But more importantly, this movie is in a class all it's own:

Movies that sell because of douchebags.

You know who I'm talking about. That guy who's always trying to get you to relate to him by proclaiming his love for Ninja Turtles or Nike Pumps. That guy might be at a party, using Thundercats as his wingman, or at a local open mic, doing ten minutes on play-dough. But I would rather be locked in a room with 10 Christian Finnegans than one side-pony'd, Disney-doting, can't think of anything from the present to talk about, cocktease. I now have to spend the next 30 minutes debating whether it's worth it to mutter half-assed praises to Punky Brewster just to get inside her Ecto-Containment Unit.

So now that I've proven I was indeed alive in the late 80's/early 90's, can we please look for TRUE connections to people rather than tossing out a huge tacky neon conversation net and seeing who else bites?

Sure, Transformers was an interesting spectacle. Hell almost as good as ID-4. AMIRITE? I actually went back and watched an old episode of the original cartoon. It was awful. In fact I will rescind all these statements if someone can give me one reason why Transformers (I'm talking the original series) is cool other than "Because," and "KYOO KYOO BOOM"

I think we're biting off more Optimus Prime Rib than we can chew. Send it back to the cook and order what you really want...

Cowabunga, I'm out.

Ratatouille
Rave Reviews I hear: nice. Patton Oswalt voice acting: sweet. A rat that wants to help in the kitchen: beautiful irony. Pixar and Disney... BLAH.

Between my dad and people who aren't my younger cousins, it has become impossible to find someone who doesn't like Disney and/or Pixar. And I can't understand why.

They're well made, but they're kids movies. Thus, they just don't do anything for me. Maybe it's the overt themes of friendship spelled out in dialogue. Maybe it's the fact that it's hard to laugh at the same joke as some overweight mom with an Eeyore shirt. Or maybe it's a kid's movie.

For someone who spent years pining after the nude scene in American Pie, I just can't go back to hoping a fish finds his daddy.

At least The Incredibles delivered with some elasti-ass.

Knocked Up
A movie that makes me believe again. I think Judd Apatow, and those smart enough not to leave him for Evan Almighty, is going to be the major force in Comedy for the next few years.

Evan Almighty
Telegrams to some of my favorite actors:

Steve Carell STOP rethink your career STOP before you become Will Ferrell STOP

Will Ferrell STOP seriously just STOP.

also a text:
sup Paul Rudd. How's the being awesome going?

Live Free Die Hard
With haxxors and Homeland security, the only way this belated sequel could be more topical is if it contained tidbits from your Mini-Feed or was some kind of sun tan lotion. And you would need it dearly for all the fiery explosions rocketing toward your puny non-McClane frame.

The full-throttled actionness of this movie would normally raise my threat level to Orange-noying, but there is one exception: The BW.

I can't lie, I love Bruce Willis. You gotta love a man with only two things to prove: yes he can survive anything, and make fun of you while doing it. I could watch him bleed all night long.

License to Wed and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
I propose the first ever joint sequel in which Kevin James and Adam Sandler must seek Robin Williams to determine through a series of tests whether any of the three should be allowed to make movies.

Fantastic Four: The Rise of the Silver Surfer
How I would write the review if I worked for The Punnsylvania Post:

'Save your icy breath, not even a foursome can save The Rise of the Silver Surfer from falling flaccid at the end. I don't care if they call you Mr. Fantastic, take your date to this movie and your shot at her with vanish into thin air. My advice: Don't force field it, and keep your Thing in your pants...

Flame on.'

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Yeah and that's exactly where you'll be when this movie is finally over... at world's end... because it takes so long.

Seriously, a little long and confusing but did you guys hear about that pirate movie?

It's rated PG-13.

Spider-Man 3
Who am I kidding? This movie came out two months ago. It would be shamefully hack for me to make emo jokes now.

More like WHINER MAN.

Disturbia
Has Shia LeBouf in it.

Ocean's Thirteen
First is the best, second is the worst, third is the nerd who is not as good as the first but better than the second.

A must see if you like exactly 13 main characters in your films.

Hot Rod - BONUS REVIEW
Who's got it before you even knew you wanted it? Yeah that's me. I attended the premiere of this film by the same guys who brought you Lazy Sunday. That's Andy Samberg and the other two with oddly foreign names (Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaffer) if you didn't know.

So I GUESSSSSS I'll give a decent review... since you know... I actually can. Aside from slightly irritating moments of Napoleon Dynamite ass-kissing, the film is rather enjoyable. I'm always happy when people who seem to respect comedy get a chance to show off their skill. It stars Samberg opposite Isla Fisher (of Wedding Crashers fame) along with Will Arnett, and some other SNL's.

Andy plays Rod Kimble, a stuntman who-

ALRIGHT ENOUGH. Just go see the movie, dick.

It's been a blong, blong time.

A hollywood book signing with Mike Faerber, enjoy:

Only Fan - Hey Mike, my name's Aaron, I love your wri-
Mike - Aren't there supposed to be... more of you?
O.F. - Well, I can't speak for-
Mike - Really, I had at least 12 of you 6 months ago. I wonder if...
O.F. - So what's the new book about?
Mike - ... they're all stuck in the traffic that's on the way here. Hmm?
O.F. - I'd like a signed copy, so if you just give me one I'll buy it.
Mike - OH NO. I haven't written anything in like six months so yeah...
O.F. - You held a book signing without a book?
Mike - I thought you guys would like print out my blog or have titties or something.
O.F. - I stood up for you man. When the others said that a person who doesn't write has no advantage over the person that can't, I said No, no.
Mike - Aaron was it? With TWO A's? HAHAHA What did you want to make double sure you were first in the phonebook?
O.F. - MIKE ALWAYS COMES THROUGH, I said. HE'S PROBABLY GOT SOMETHING BIG IN THE WORKS. I SAID.
Mike - It's like I have to do something deserving of praise to have people praise me. That's messed up.
O.F. - THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME!!! C'MON!!!
Mike - Look I gotta go. I can't handle all this hero worship bullshit.
O.F. - YOU ARE THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE EVER!
Mike - Well there's no doubt about that. Look at my fans. I never thought I'd be such a sell out.

So Galifianakis

Well look at that. Mike started writing again. And also talking in third person. But as long as he's not here. I wanted to let you know that Mike is pretty much in love with this man.

More specifically this video created by that man.

If you can put aside the fact that I look exactly like him... to the point where one would suspect I crafted my image after his own. It's quite possible. He's been a favorite of mine for some time and I'm still not sure where this whole beard fixation came from.

Anyway if you can get past that, you'll notice that it's both very relevant to my first So College column, as well as hilarious in an offbeat way.

Cute Ugly Cute

Nathan called me out, I've been lazy lately, and ironically enough on a film set. But he forgot the part about me idly wasting hours with a beer in hand.

Alas, it was not in vain, for it was on a film set that history was made.

Cute Ugly Cute is a game that I fear will start sweeping the nation, become spread too thin, lose its appeal and be bastardized just like those Chuck Norris facts. Nevertheless, I cannot keep something so genius to myself.

The Story- While filming for student feature, I along with other cast and crew members found myself with long periods of downtime. It was on a particularly uneventful day that another film friend/actor prompted me to "tell him something cute and uplifting" to make him feel better about the day's lack of productivity.

My Response: "A kitten taking a piss made of rainbows."

Neither of us were aware of the momentous event that had just occurred, nor that it would soon consume our lives.

It started out as a whimsical game that dutifully filled in the "dead air" of our minds, something to merely fill the time between sets and takes. It grew into an obsession to find the PERFECT cute ugly cute. We rattled off hundreds while other cast members looked on with bewilderment.

Their looks of scorn softened however, as they started to understand the unspoken rules. They tried out their own cute ugly cutes, some struggling with it, others picking it up right off the bat. But all can appreciate the genius and art of this beautiful game.

What is a cute ugly cute? Here are examples:

- Two tiger cubs fight to the death, but they both have the sniffles
- A whale is stabbed in the face when he tries to give his narwhal girlfriend a kiss
- A toddler is smacked in the face by a perfectly spiraled touchdown pass.
- An Indian princess is shot through the heart by an arrow that has a love letter attached to it.
- A cross-eyed dragon incinerates a village while trying to light his cigarette.
- A fairy is rudely cat-called by a pack of construction workers who are kittens.
- Butterflies humping.

You take something pretty, cute, or adorable. Do something horrible, sick, or evil to it. Then come up with a situation, reason, or rationale for that "violence" that ultimately wins the "audience" back and makes it cute again.

The Rules... Nay, GUIDELINES-

These are mostly to save you time. While forming this game, here are a couple speed bumps we learned to avoid.

1. No Proper Nouns. They're kind of a crutch, and what's worse is most of the time they actually aren't as funny. The beauty is all about creating the image in your mind... if you use a stock character, you're cheating the beauty out of it.

2. Be Descriptive. You've got to get people seeing the same image you see. This means avoiding words like "CUTE" or "LITTLE." It's lazy, and not very descriptive.
ex. A CUTE LITTLE MUSCLE MAN is hit by a CUTE LITTLE CAR!

Find adjectives or accessories that fill in the blanks for you.
ex. " A T-rex with a bow tie struggles in vain to pick a flower for his girlfriend"

3. Tie it back. If you follow a literal cute ugly cute formula, you get something like A MOUSE EATS A LADYBUG. See, how it's just not vivid enough? We found that most of the time you not only have to re-cute-ify the violence, but also have some sort of explanation or motive for such atrocious things happening to pretty little animals and such.

The hilarity is in the personification.

Variations-

The rules aren't hard and fast, the game evolves pretty quickly. Sometimes you do a CUTE CUTE UGLY. or sometimes an UGLY UGLY CUTE. Let your funny be your guide.

Now go out there and try some out with your friends. It can be tough at first, but the best way to learn is from example.