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Coury: .....
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Coury: He drives a '74 Nova.
Amanda: ....
Coury: He restored it himself!
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Quick Jokes
Why I Don't Get Laid
By Mike Faerber January 4, 2007
| Comments (13) | Share
It's 4 am, and as is not uncommon, I'm unable to sleep because their is a loud, belligerent pity party being thrown in my "pad." My pad being my brain. Frat boy response: Please, you should start wearing a pad, woman-person. Once again the thoughts on my mind are girls, acceptance, and why the aforementioned two bother me so much.
It is a common theme on PIC. How to get laid. Unfortunately those articles do less to actually improve the predicament than they do to remind those who aren't that other people are... enough so to have it nailed down to a process. We shall call these two groups Winners and Losers. Lately I've come more and more to actually see the world in this way, mainly because I live in an apartment with 5 other guys, and you can practically see the line drawn. The fact that this matter is even on my mental palette should tell you which group i regretfully mark myself in. The Winners don't have to worry about these things. But let me paint a more muddled, expressionist picture.
So I don't consider myself a loser. There's actually a lot of things I love about myself... in fact many have been able to note that I'm a narcissist. But my morning re-Flex-tion sessions just don't hold up against the drunk girl hook-up test. Thus, my once inflated confidence has lost some of its air, and now lingers on the floor, rolling with errant wind currents from the AC. In short, I'm maturing and trading in a shallow defense mechanism for more honest take on my predicament. As always, humor cradles the blow, my new favorite joke is "I'm starting to look like my Dad." Which, to borrow a really overused phrase, "is funny because it's true."
So to have some half-hearted closure in the matter, here's where I go wrong.
FIRST OFF- This blog, c'mon, women like confidence. Unfortunately I'm a writer. I'm a thinker, naturally curious about things. You can't be curious and certain at the same time. I'm a libra (amazing how those things actually apply sometimes.) The winners, both in my apartment and elsewhere, don't really question what they're doing. They just ARE.
If I'm lucky, I can maybe pull off a 'Listen Women, yeah I seem whiny and insecure, but that's just how I am, and I'm not going to change just so I can wake up with regrets of giving you the best sex you've ever had.' power trip that paradoxically brings them in hoardes. *sits and waits*
I'M ARROGANT- I'm fucking smart. No joke. I was so used to being academically right when I grew up that it seeped into other areas. A lot of times I just don't like people and refuse to "play ball" so to speak. People generally don't respond well when you mock their: voice, opinions, dress, likes, or attempts to reach out to you.
I'M FUNNY- Leave it to me to have the probably the first thing uttered from a girl's lips as a desirable male trait to work against me. Yes, I'm referring to sense of humor. I love comedy... too much. I'd rather be funny than liked... which is odd because I once considered the two synonymous.
My kind of humor isn't the social kind. Well it starts out that way, but you're supposed to drop the act at some point to let them know you're a real person. I don't know if its me acting out against society because of my own feelings of inadequacy or mere gleeful exploration of what I consider the finest art, but I always take the joke too far.
Exposing your neuroses = no weiner play.
I'M BORED- I can be a real anti-conformist sometimes. If people display an ounce of unoriginality, I write them off and start working my beautiful ironic sabotage. So when GIRL starts to act normal, I hold this against her, which she in turn does not appreciate.
I'M HONEST- I'm honest not only in the "Yeah, this scar is from wrestling a lion" sense but also to myself. I think every guy knows that "how" to get laid, it's just a matter of where he draws the line. My line is somewhere after "dance in my underwear" but before "feigning interest."
I'M LOUD- And don't forget boisterous. I always in awe when I FINALLY notice "the signs" that some girl is attracted to one of the winners rather than me. He barely said three words the entire night. Sometimes it's all about subtlety. Others it's merely not saying what she doesn't want to hear. Sometimes I wish I could just be boring.
I'M OBLIVIOUS- When you factor in the beer, my penchant for self-centeredness, and all the concentration devoted to making a great joke, it can be easy to lose sight of your surroundings. That whole system of body language eludes me. Hell even regular language is out of my grasp sometimes. Irony, feigning disinterest, just being nice: all throw me off. I really would like to take a crash course in all this. It intrigues me to the point of nerd-dom.
The worst however is when girls find my attempts so laughable that I become a gag for their enjoyment. Please tell me this happens to someone else. I'm honestly offended that some girls find me so pathetic and transparent, and yet I think the same thing every time I see some guy wearing a striped button down.
I'M SHORT- This one is a cop out.
I'M ON TO SOMETHING- A lot of times it seems that these behaviors arise because I know that I'm not a meaningless fling kind of guy. Do I sabotage my chances in order to save myself for the one who will be truly fulfilling? Could be. Even the winners have admitted to me that one night stands aren't really that satisfying in the long run. How is it then that I could have it so right and so wrong at the same time? Being above all that yet still feeling it's weight on me and the decisions I make.
It's amazing to me to watch these traits in action, almost immediately turning people off. Yet, on more than one occasion they pull a 180 when they finally "get" me. The end result is either A. I was only really interested in "hooking" them OR
B. An almost perfect relationship with great sex that I ruin because that one person still can't qualm the overwhelming feeling that I need to impress and be liked by more people.
I guess what I'm saying is I don't get laid because it's not what I'm really after... no matter how much I think it is.
It is a common theme on PIC. How to get laid. Unfortunately those articles do less to actually improve the predicament than they do to remind those who aren't that other people are... enough so to have it nailed down to a process. We shall call these two groups Winners and Losers. Lately I've come more and more to actually see the world in this way, mainly because I live in an apartment with 5 other guys, and you can practically see the line drawn. The fact that this matter is even on my mental palette should tell you which group i regretfully mark myself in. The Winners don't have to worry about these things. But let me paint a more muddled, expressionist picture.
So I don't consider myself a loser. There's actually a lot of things I love about myself... in fact many have been able to note that I'm a narcissist. But my morning re-Flex-tion sessions just don't hold up against the drunk girl hook-up test. Thus, my once inflated confidence has lost some of its air, and now lingers on the floor, rolling with errant wind currents from the AC. In short, I'm maturing and trading in a shallow defense mechanism for more honest take on my predicament. As always, humor cradles the blow, my new favorite joke is "I'm starting to look like my Dad." Which, to borrow a really overused phrase, "is funny because it's true."
So to have some half-hearted closure in the matter, here's where I go wrong.
FIRST OFF- This blog, c'mon, women like confidence. Unfortunately I'm a writer. I'm a thinker, naturally curious about things. You can't be curious and certain at the same time. I'm a libra (amazing how those things actually apply sometimes.) The winners, both in my apartment and elsewhere, don't really question what they're doing. They just ARE.
If I'm lucky, I can maybe pull off a 'Listen Women, yeah I seem whiny and insecure, but that's just how I am, and I'm not going to change just so I can wake up with regrets of giving you the best sex you've ever had.' power trip that paradoxically brings them in hoardes. *sits and waits*
I'M ARROGANT- I'm fucking smart. No joke. I was so used to being academically right when I grew up that it seeped into other areas. A lot of times I just don't like people and refuse to "play ball" so to speak. People generally don't respond well when you mock their: voice, opinions, dress, likes, or attempts to reach out to you.
I'M FUNNY- Leave it to me to have the probably the first thing uttered from a girl's lips as a desirable male trait to work against me. Yes, I'm referring to sense of humor. I love comedy... too much. I'd rather be funny than liked... which is odd because I once considered the two synonymous.
My kind of humor isn't the social kind. Well it starts out that way, but you're supposed to drop the act at some point to let them know you're a real person. I don't know if its me acting out against society because of my own feelings of inadequacy or mere gleeful exploration of what I consider the finest art, but I always take the joke too far.
Exposing your neuroses = no weiner play.
I'M BORED- I can be a real anti-conformist sometimes. If people display an ounce of unoriginality, I write them off and start working my beautiful ironic sabotage. So when GIRL starts to act normal, I hold this against her, which she in turn does not appreciate.
I'M HONEST- I'm honest not only in the "Yeah, this scar is from wrestling a lion" sense but also to myself. I think every guy knows that "how" to get laid, it's just a matter of where he draws the line. My line is somewhere after "dance in my underwear" but before "feigning interest."
I'M LOUD- And don't forget boisterous. I always in awe when I FINALLY notice "the signs" that some girl is attracted to one of the winners rather than me. He barely said three words the entire night. Sometimes it's all about subtlety. Others it's merely not saying what she doesn't want to hear. Sometimes I wish I could just be boring.
I'M OBLIVIOUS- When you factor in the beer, my penchant for self-centeredness, and all the concentration devoted to making a great joke, it can be easy to lose sight of your surroundings. That whole system of body language eludes me. Hell even regular language is out of my grasp sometimes. Irony, feigning disinterest, just being nice: all throw me off. I really would like to take a crash course in all this. It intrigues me to the point of nerd-dom.
The worst however is when girls find my attempts so laughable that I become a gag for their enjoyment. Please tell me this happens to someone else. I'm honestly offended that some girls find me so pathetic and transparent, and yet I think the same thing every time I see some guy wearing a striped button down.
I'M SHORT- This one is a cop out.
I'M ON TO SOMETHING- A lot of times it seems that these behaviors arise because I know that I'm not a meaningless fling kind of guy. Do I sabotage my chances in order to save myself for the one who will be truly fulfilling? Could be. Even the winners have admitted to me that one night stands aren't really that satisfying in the long run. How is it then that I could have it so right and so wrong at the same time? Being above all that yet still feeling it's weight on me and the decisions I make.
It's amazing to me to watch these traits in action, almost immediately turning people off. Yet, on more than one occasion they pull a 180 when they finally "get" me. The end result is either A. I was only really interested in "hooking" them OR
B. An almost perfect relationship with great sex that I ruin because that one person still can't qualm the overwhelming feeling that I need to impress and be liked by more people.
I guess what I'm saying is I don't get laid because it's not what I'm really after... no matter how much I think it is.
13 Comments
I see where you're coming from. Taking a page from my personal experience- when I was floundering around trying to get women, I had a failed conquest (ended up in the Friend Zone) tell me that I came off as too desperate, and it was a huge turn-off. Naturally, I stopped talking to her.
I've found that as soon as you say "whatever" and stop trying to gain the positive attention of women, you start recieving it.
Be kind of a dick. Be David Caruso in Jade.
The irony is that for a 1000-word whinefest, I'm really not complaining. We've all heard little tricks like that, and all know that any attempt by a "loser" to adopt those tactics is usually forced, and seen as even more desperate by those oh so perceptive females... at least until he is able to wear that facade convincingly.
The difference isn't a surface change, it's a core change that I think we all learn in time. Guys learn to act a certain way, and women learn to accept this act. If anything, I'm criticizing myself for letting something so shallow affect me.
But I appreciate the 40 year old virgin quote, even though, for the most part, my problem is not that I don't know how to be a dick. It's more that I don't have the patience to do the whole balancing act without calling bullshit on myself.
I don't know...You've got kind of a grizzly adams mountain man thing going for you. Which is kindy sexy in that Brawny Paper towel guy kinda way. And you are very funny.
I like you. And I don't like losers, so hence forth you are not a loser.
Although I do have fondness for marshmallow peeps and serial killers so what do I know.
Makes sense. And I agree that it's a core change, not just a surface thing.
I had to counsel a friend of mine who went through a really bad break up that has him still shaken- I likened him to Ricky after his crash, and told him he wasn't really paralyzed.
I heard somewhere that he's planning on a third, sort of a trilogy with the Legend and the Ballad. Do you have any idea about this?
When it comes to asking you about Will Ferrell, 60% of the time, it works every time. (I know that one has been over-used a bit, but it's still a classic. I was able to throw it out in my local Subway with total strangers.)
My roommates and I agree with Annette. The grizzly adams thing attracts more girls than you think. I like it. Annette obviously likes it. Don't ever shave the scruff.
And you are funny. I don't read your blog because I'm bored, I read it because you keep me on my toes, which I'd rather have than that whole "mysterious guy who doesn't say anything" routine any day of the week. And being loud is good - you command attention. It makes you stand out, but you're also more vulnerable. Girls respond to that. We want to be with the cliche "one who makes us laugh."
Also, you're not a loser. Writers are hot. It means you think.
And that's probably the whole issue. That you think a lot. This shit becomes a whole lot simpler when you don't think about it. Of course, that means letting your mental guard down and taking a mental nap, and I'm not sure you can do that. Or that you want to.
Man, you could have seriously just described me to a t, except I'm not short or scruffy, but I know exactly where yer comin' from on a very personal level as well. And as much as I might dislike most whinefests, I think this one will actually help put a name to some of the things I didn't necessarily know about myself.
Great post man,
I had the same problem and found that I couldn't turn my brain off and still function. Until I discovered perhaps man's greatest invention beer. It allows me to be dumber than what I actually am and I don't have any of that the way she just twidled her hair that means something important stuff ups that I usually do when sober.
I think it was Nietzche who said constantly talking about yourself and drawing attention to yourself is just another way to hide *paraphrased. Maybe the person you project is someone that you know won't get you what you want but it won't leave you with any short-term damage. Grow some balls and put your damn goodself out there and you'll be fine
The secret to getting laid is to have a big dick, or more importantly act as if you have a big dick. If you're like me and have a big dick you can do or say whatever the hell you want, piss chicks off and what have you, but what it all boils down to is if you have a big cock. Carry yourself like you have a big dick. I don't mean lean to the front, but with confidence and the "i don't give a shit attitude" that comes with having a big cock. Chicks pick up on it...They start thinking," man, this guy is the ugliest motherfucker i've ever seen, short, and is wearing clothes he probably had in high school, what's he so cocky for?....he must have a big dick!!"...trust me...it works everytime
Sounds a bit familiar. I've always straddled that line and share more than a few of your traits (including the shortness). I think the main thing holding you back is the impatience. You don't win a game of RISK on the third turn and you don't overcome social hurdles to get laid without putting a little work in...
Unless she's really drunk and loose-legged head-monster. Then you're good.
I'm with Schmitt on this when, when I say I really identify with this blog. Minus the 'pathetic stripe button down' part, which prompted me to look down and take notice of my attire. I realize the whole 'cliche/preppy kid stereotype' that goes along with it, but I also don't suddenly appreciate my belongings any less simply because of the shallow associations others might make to them. Like you, I think, reflect, and analyze, entirely too much, but see no alternative, as feigning ignorance is not a possibility I care to indulge.
Anyway, unlike a number of others that I personally think largely missed the point of this piece (hint: anonymous guy with the 'big dick' theory), I'm not going to leave poor advice on how to score easy, and shallow drunk women, lacking any substance to their personality. Instead, I think you're mostly doing everything right, because atleast you take the time to know exactly who you are, as opposed to forming a personality out of collections of a Maxim magazine, and Will Ferral movies (great as they may be). What I do suggest though is offering people more of a chance before writing them off as your average idiot. Judging by your mention of how you're turned off by the first hint of unorgininality, I think you might be too quick in forming your opinions of others. The are a number of women who are extremely intriguing in spite of their shoe addiction. Sometimes you just have to be putting in the time to bring that part out of them.
You already have a firm grasp on what qualities you're attracted to and those you dislike in another person. But considering that we're all mostly twenty-something college students, living in the age of the shallow and superficial, maybe you should be keeping an eye out for signs of substance beyond those seemingly 'unorginal' exteriors. Some people might surprise you.
Anyway great work with the article. Frigtening how similiar it seemed like something I'd write.
I know exactly what you are going through. I have been with quite a few girls, but almost all of them have been outside of the country (I'm able to travel a lot). Before I get to that though, let me address a few things. There are a lot of myths out there; girls like smart guys, they like guys who are nice, sophisticated, stable etc. I possess all of these things and I can't get laid in the states. I consider myself a winner, I have an M.S. in theoretical physics, and am getting a Phd in philosophy from an ivy
(this is a continuation of above, don't ask)..league institution. I am genuinely funny, possess good self esteem and I am good looking (not great looking, but good looking). Sure, I have seen girls that I am hitting on hook up with someone better looking or seemingly more funny etc. However, I started to get really infuriated was when I was getting turned down from girls that I know either dated or hooked up with a guy totally inferior to myself. Like the meth head drop out guy who listened to punk (he had a lame personality and was pretty ugly). Yet the girl denied me. How is this possible? Or the big dick guy that posted above. Nothing to offer and yet somehow...I decided to travel and found that girls in Europe and much of East Asia are not the same. I can't quite figure it out but it has been my experience....Anyway I am engaged to a lovely girl from Barcelona....when she was visiting me at grad school in the states suddenly every girl that so us together was interested in me. It was absolutely ridiculous, of course I am not interested anymore because I am engaged. The best I can come up with is that women don't think for themselves.
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