Watch Me Grow!

THE UMPIRE!

Style- long hair, Stache of Glory

History-
Although the ladies today often cry foul at this masculicious display of the stiff upper lip, there was a time when rounding the bases was not a clever metaphor but rather the actual requirement to gain a woman's favor. It was in this day, when The Umpire reigned supreme, calling out all the sissy boys, and making every decision final.

The Umpire is the law. Police men know it. Fire fighters know it. And your trashy uncle knows it. The stern, stiff-upper lip immediately silences any group of rabble rousers. Some say the stache is a defense mechanism. What are you hiding? That answer is of course your lips. Because kissies are for sissies.

So before you bash this Tour de Fierce de Face, know that you are merely acting out of fear. Upon a man's first mustache growing, another set of balls descends. Scholars everywhere now believe that having two testicles is a freebie provided by God, who expected us to obtain many more.

Nicknames-
The Gallagher, My Name is Earl, The Outlaw, The Creepy Man Near Your Elementary School.

Ups-
You don't even have to say Fuck You anymore... it's implied.

Downs-
Having to decide which looks better in the wind: free-flowing locks, or stubborn unmoving stache.

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