Fix the Red Sox in ten easy steps.

I realize absolutely nobody cares about this except Red Sox fans (and even with them it's shaky), but here we go.

Step 1. Resign Alex Gonzalez. The real American League Gold Glover at shortstop. I realize he only hit .261 last year, but so what? He's fun to watch, makes things a lot easier for pitchers, and doesn't defense win championships?

Step 2. Don't trade Manny. Everyone knows you want to trade him, so what are the odds you're going to get equal value? And so what if he dogged it down the stretch when the Sox were out of it. They weren't playing for anything! Just randomly leak bogus trade rumors from time to time to keep Manny happy (I'm convinced they've been doing this, too. Manny for Mike Cameron and Aubrey Huff? My Aunt Fanny!)

Step 3.Sign Alfonso Soriano. This team needs a big free agent signing, so why not reload your offense? And it's not one of those Adrian Beltre contract years either, he's nearly been a 40-40 guy each of the past five years (with the exception of an injury-plagued 2004). His defense at second is suspect, but the Red Sox won a World Series with Mark Bellhorn at the position and nearly won in 2003 with Todd Walker. By the bye, sign Soriano and the Red Sox lineup looks something like this:
1. Crisp
2. Youks
3. Soriano
4. Ortiz
5. Manny
6. Pena
7. Lowell
8. Varitek
9. Gonzalez

Holy shit! Start printing World Series tickets now.

Step 4. Sign Ted Lilly. Cheap. Lefty. Kills the Red Sox. Used to the A.L. You need more of a scouting report? His ERA has been over 5 just once in six years. Plus, now the rotation looks like so:
1. Schilling
2. Beckett
3. Papelbon
4. Wakefield
5. Lilly
(With Lester hopefully returning and Daniel Bard waiting in the wings for when Schilling and Wake eventually retire.)

Step 5. Don't get stupid and sign Bonds or Sosa. I can't imagine them doing this, but it bears mentioning.

Step 6. Resign Alex Cora and trade Julian Tavarez and cash to the Reds for Ryan Freel. The Reds need a long reliever and the Sox could use Freel (who plays fucking anywhere) and has speed. And the Reds don't play him.You may think he won't get much PT with Boston. Yeah, because Manny and Soriano never need a day off. And Mike Lowell is really young. And Crisp or Youkilis never battle injuries.Boy, I hope your Norton Anti-Virus can handle this sarcasm.

Step 7. Build a bullpen with young-uns. Having a solid bullpen is a tossup anyway, may as well go cheap. Give MDC and Hansen another chance. Keep Timlin the hell away from runners-on. Let Foulke close. Spend the first month of the season throwing every pitcher in the farm in the bullpen. See what sticks. Look at the Twins. Best bullpen ERA in the league and if you can name one of their relievers beside Joe Nathan, you know more about baseball than I.

Step 8. Learn how to manufacture a run. That Billy Beane craps works fine if you like not going to the World Series. Why the hell build an offense around "Just get on base and pray Ortiz or Manny comes up soon?" That's retarded. With Crisp and Cora (and hopefully Soriano and Freel) you can steal bases.Christ, the most important play in Red Sox history was a stolen base, you'd think they knew this. And how do you not bunt?

Step 9. Assign bullpen roles. By June last year, Terry Francona knew the following: Papelbon was the only reliever he could trust. Hansen and MDC were OK. Timlin was below average. Tavarez and Seanez were being bitched about in every Red Sox message board and Casual Misanthropy column from here to Alaska. He should have reasoned the following:
A. Use Paps in the ninth and maybe to get an out in the eighth.
B. Use MDC and Hansen as setup guys in 2-3 run games late (as in, past the seventh).
C. Use Timlin as a stopgap.
D. Use Tavarez or Van Buren as a long reliever or games that have a 4-5 run differential.
E. Let Seanez clean the toilets in the clubhouse.

Instead, Paps kept coming in four times a week (and we wonder why he broke down), Timlin was dragged in with RISP almost constantly even though his ERA in those situations is something like 209.30 and I kept seeing Rudy Seanez in key moments. I hate to be one of those jerkoffs who call talk radio and pretend they know more than a Major League manager but "This is Justin from the car. First time, long time. Francona's an idiot."

Step 10. Just some random thoughts: Tell Varitek to lose the C (this isn't hockey)... when playing the Yankees, throw at Matsui (he gets completely rattled by this to the point he starts to looks like Lucy Liu at the plate)... tell Beckett to throw a fucking breaking ball once or twice... unless a starter is working on a no-hitter or something, they should be gone by the seventh or 100 pitches, which ever comes first, don't leave Curt in there to throw 150 pitches because you "had a feeling"...when playing an AL East opponent, throw at at least one hitter early in the game every time (Pedro used to do this frequently, but hey it's not like he was the best pitcher in Red Sox history or anything)...get into at least one bench-clearing brawl with the Yankees (gets people fired up)...fire Don Orsillo (he's fucking annoying) and hire Bruins play-by-play guy Dale Arnold (has a great announcer's voice and would actually do his job and keep Remy from turning into a self-parody)...when Ortiz comes up in a key situation in the ninth or extras, just start playing "Dirty Water" and save everyone time.

I wonder if anyone's going to actually read this.

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