Taking Out the Trash

Every so often, I get tired of talking about sports. nFEAOQHDkinhfdva. Sorry, I couldn’t even type that sentence without compulsively slapping the keyboard. But seriously, sometimes I want to write about a subject without making a half-assed attempt to loosely tie it to sports. Thus, I present you with Garbage Time; a sporadic offering of random, disjointed thoughts and jokes.

• My first ever article on PIC was titled “Safety is the New Recklessness”, which was a manifestation of Court’s editorial muscle. My title, “Safety: It’s More Than Just A Word You Say After You Fart”, was twice as long, had half the general appeal, and was at least ten times as gut-busting, yet it was changed. This is a phenomenon that industry insiders like to call “exactly how comedy writing works, so get used to it you whiny little prick”.

• I’m glad Carlos Mencia got his own show. He deserved a shot at the big-time because, even though the show is mediocre, Mencia’s stand-up is hilarious. More importantly, that’s one less Mexican willing to do my job for a lower wage.

• As a suburban-bred white male, there are few things in this world less entertaining than an African-American comedienne who spends all of her routine talking about what it’s like to be a black woman. I saw the Queens of Comedy the other day and as far as comedy is concerned, Schindler’s List was funnier.

• If I make it through the year without getting out of my car and strangling someone during rush hour traffic, consider it the greatest display of restraint since Bob Kraft let Vladimir Putin steal his Super Bowl ring on live TV.

• If I were homeless, I’d spend as little as possible and start saving all my money on a one-way plane ticket to San Diego. Hey, if I’m gonna be homeless, I'm gonna be homeless in mother fuckin' San Diego.

• I’m pretty sure my car is made of nylon because I get jolted with 10,000 volts of static electricity every time I touch the door handle.

• The only thing tastier than a KFC buttermilk biscuit is a KFC peppermint urinal cake. They're basically free, hockey puck-sized breathmints.

• If you wanted to describe something as of or relating to multiple academic classes, but in only one word, wouldn’t that word have to be intercourse? For instance, “Intercourse collaboration on homework assignments will not be tolerated” or “If you are enrolled in more than one of my classes, feel free to stop by my office hours to discuss any personal intercourse interests you may have.”

Well, that's all for now. In addition to posts such as these, I'll be posting articles and other amusing anecdotes, as well as a running theme I have in mind. Check back often for more unadulterated funny.