How to Grow a Bromance in Three Easy Steps
With 2010 winding down and another year just around the corner, it's time to get into resolution mode. This is the one time of the year when we decide to change ourselves for the better... for about a month and a half before giving up and promising to try harder next year. I can't help you save money or lose weight but I can help you out in the relationship department.
The vital "Solo Hangout" step should always be centered on watching "the game."I've already showed you how to pick your girlfriend for these upcoming months, but what if your New Year's resolution is simply to make more friends? Unfortunately for you, the male-to-male relationship is one of the hardest to cultivate in nature, and as such, should be handled carefully. If only there was a simple three-step plan to help you with this unattainable goa...wait a minute:
1. The Size-Up
How to Grow a Bromance in Three Easy Steps
In nature, similar animals gather together in packs for survival—a pride of lions, a pack of wolves, a conspiracy of ravens, etc. In the human world, males generally adopt these packs by participating in mundane routines like attending school or work and befriending those whom they hate the least.
So what do you do when you happen upon a bro in his natural habitat and try to make contact? Upon meeting a bro for the first time, you are both subject to the size-up: is this bro taller or better looking than you? Is he a visible minority, thus giving you "cred"? Would you pick him for your team in a pick-up game? Does he have a sister or girlfriend that you can deny hooking up with at a later date? The size-up is the crucial first step to establishing a bromance; you want to find a bro who doesn't present much competition, but also one who shares similar interests.
After you and your prospective bro (brospect) have sized each other up and come to the agreement that you're either "alright" or "cool" (no other words shall be used for fear of sounding gay), there will be plans made to meet again at a later date.
2. The Solo Hangout
On the journey to finding a good bro, this step is vital. It should always be centered on watching "the game" somewhere. It doesn't matter what game: basketball, football, and MMA all work, but if you're dealing with a Euro-bro you may have to watch soccer. Don't offer to watch baseball as it will make you seem soft.
A sports bar gives you plenty of options for conversation, namely the myriad of TV screens and skanky waitresses. If you want to exhibit dominance over your fellow bro, this is the time: buy a pitcher of beer and chug it without using a glass, or order a plate of nachos and don't share until it becomes a small mound of corn chips. This will establish you as the alpha-bro and allow you to lay claim to the first piece of meat on a fresh kill (read: you get dibs on chicks).
Alternately, you can invite the bro over to your house. Blast your iPod, whip out the bong, and see if you have anything in common with your future bro. Unlike the fairer sex, bros don't really care about zodiacs and astrology, so you don't have to pretend to be compatible just because it's "in the stars." Be warned: this option may lead to you finding out some horrible secrets about your bro, like the fact that he listens exclusively to country music or watches baseball for the "entertainment" it gives him. Under no circumstances should you cook for the bro unless the food of choice is to be prepared on a grill; so if you two get hungry, your only options are to order a pizza or fire up a barbeque.
3. Sharing is Caring
In general, males aren't very fond of giving. If you can use something on yourself then why would you give that thing away to anyone else (no bromo)? Boys, men, and bros all hate sharing, so just because you've both survived the vetting process doesn't necessarily mean you're both full-fledged bromosexuals. Without this final and vital step, you will be forever stuck in that limbo between "acquaintance" and "bro4sho." You must share with your fellow bro.
This goes beyond giving away the crust of your pizza or letting your bro choose the home team in NBA 2K11—to be a real bro requires sacrifice. You know that moment when you crack open a new type of beer on the patio with your best friend, take a sip and say, "Mmmm, that's good, try this"? That's bromance. This means that you'll not only give away the crust of your pizza, but also the last piece. And if a bro asks you to borrow 2K11 for the weekend you should reply with a simple nod. Once this level of camaraderie has been attained then you have truly become, and can call each other, bro.