|
Hooker Haiku
The hooker is dead
Um…what do I do now then?
Give me a beer, please.
So you’re getting tired of fucking your aging wife, bitching
girlfriend, or little sister, huh? What are wives, girlfriends, or
family members but socially-accepted hookers anyway? You pay and
pay, but receive sex only when they feel like it. Well, my
friend, no more! There’s hope!
You say you’re running out of
dates, pick-up lines, or roofies too? With a Republican in the White
House, who could blame you! The costs of movies, dinners, and
“reassurance” medication are soaring because we can’t get them from
Canada. No more, buddy! There’s hope!
Wait, you’re also poor, desperate or intolerably ugly? Fine! No
longer will you have to rely on the fates or fucks of really, really
fat chicks. Because there’s hope, you see! Hope in the form
of a blonde harelip on your local street corner. Hope in the form of
an illegal immigrant maid at a nearby motel. Hope in the form of one
in every five women. That’s right, there’s hope in the hooker.
"Think about this: if she didn’t want you to jizz
in her hair, she should’ve went to college instead of being a
fucking sleazebag." She doesn’t realize her potential to save you
from your sexless marriage or relationship, of course. Her job, as
she sees it, is that of a profession akin to a conman. She strips,
suckles, and fuckles, only to the point in which she has to. Her
life consists of sunless tanning lotions, banana sandwiches, and the
Jenny Jones show; she could care less about your sexual
gratification. She is a heartless woman, waiting for you to cum on
her face so you’ll give her that bag of coke that you laced with
granulated sugar. And in these trying times, you’re going to want to
get the best out of her.
Well, fellow pervert, if you’ve done any research on the matter, I
don’t need to tell you that prostitution is the world’s oldest
profession. What you probably don’t realize though, is that over the
millennia, hookers have evolved (like apes to humans) and learned
numerous ploys to fuck their marks over. Short-changing blowjobs,
faking orgasms, and bogus swallowing have become an all-too-common
occurrence in the prostitution industry. And most horny bastards who
buy hookers are very unaware of these strategies. Fear not. I, Nick
Gaudio, have found a way to get around these tricks’ tricky tricks
with a little pamphlet I call “More Hooker for your Money.”
More Hooker for Your Money
Any self-respecting woman wouldn’t let you do any of the following.
Luckily for you, you have just purchased a jizz trap which doesn’t
value an inch of her skin. Follow this list to the T and you will
have yourself a great time, partner.
1. Cum in her hair.
That’s right, lay out your loin
juice in her locks. Hells, if you’re into it, ball her hair up and
jerk off with it. Or better yet, have her jerk you off with it.
And hey, if you’re morally opposed
to that, think about this: if she didn’t want you to jizz in her
hair, she should’ve went to college instead of being a fucking
sleazebag.
2. Insult her.
Verbal abuse is like a bag of
oranges: it leaves no bruises. Don’t be afraid to call her a cunt, a
whore, a slut, a hobag, a tramp, a lefty, a floozy, a concubine, a
strumpet, a tart, a “working girl,” a fatass, a fat ho, a fat slut,
a fat floozy, a corpulent cocksucker, a titless man-child, or the
Antichrist while you’re givin’ it to her good.
3. Become
friends with her pimp.
If he’s a good enough pimp, he
won’t care too much about a quip directed at his nympho’s loose vag
or a little baby batter in her doo. But, he will care if you do the
following shit. So be sure to take him out to eat. From my
experience, pimps like mixed drinks, fried chicken, and convincing
young waitresses to join the circuit. Ruby Tuesday’s perhaps?
4. Attach a rusty knife to the end of your
dick.
She can’t run to the cops, she’s a
fucking hooker! Ever since puberty, you’ve subconsciously wanted to
do this. Luckily, nothing about this is illegal. If she dies, you
don’t have to pay. If she lives, well that’s good for her.
5. Steal her purse.
Okay, so it’s going to be a fake
designer. Big deal, I’m guessing that if you bought a hooker, you’re
not a fag and don’t care about that anyway. What I’m saying is, you
want to steal her purse so you’re able find out her real name. Then,
instead of telling your buddies you fucked a Bunny or a Starlight,
you can tell them you fucked a Jenny or a Lisa: a much more
boast-worthy experience. Also, stealing the bitch’s purse after you
fuck/pay her assures that you didn’t do anything illegal at all.
6. Get her pregnant.
That’s right, I said it. You see,
by putting a pinhole in your condom, convincing her pimp to switch
her birth control to breast enhancement supplements, or just fucking
her raw, and by arranging a meeting slightly before she’s scheduled
to rag, you’ll get that bitch pregnant lickety-split.
What’s the pro of this? Well, that’s easy. If it’s a boy, you’ve got
slave labor. If it’s a girl, you’ve got yourself a guaranteed lay
and a money-making venture to boot!
7. Fuck her savagely on your
ex-girlfriends’ beds.
See, this requires a special kind
of vindictive desire. Somehow you must break into your old ex’s
houses and fuck your hooker on their beds. If you can manage to tie
up your ex and tape her eyelids open while you do it, kudos to you
sir.
Oh yeah, be sure that the hooker is on the rag when you do this.
8. Get her to douche with a beverage of
your choice before you fuck her.
There’s nothing like going down on
a bitch who just washed out her disease-ridden coochie with Sunkist
orange soda. Other potential products include: milk, beer, Jack
Daniels, soy sauce, pickle brine, and Listerine. Oh, and I know you
want sexual gratification too, so have her suck your dick while you
do it.
9. Set that bitch on fire.
When you’re setting up the
arrangements, pay her a little extra for cuddling after the sex.
Then, after you fuck her awful, light up a cig and put it out in her
hair. She won’t notice it at first, but when she does, oh boy! It’s
a fucking LAUGH RIOT.
Trust me, man…sex and comedy: the world’s best combination.
10. And finally, put cockroach eggs in her
pussy.
If you’re the type to buy a hooker,
while clever and prudent, you’ve got a little sadistic streak in
you. So, if you really want to get the most out of your slut, you’re
obligated to try this.
You see, cockroach eggs can develop and mature into full-fledge
cockroaches in very inhospitable climates. So, even if the nasty
skank douches with nuclear waste, those little bastards are going to
build a nest in her uterus.
So there you have it, friends. My first article. I’m glad to be a
part of this wonderful creation of the divine being (Court
Sullivan).
|
Share this article
|
