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Now Playing: "Meet Me at the Bottom" by Longwave
The summer is starting to wind down. It's
the middle of August, and nothing much is going on. Every college
student in the world is busily slaving away at their summer jobs, except
for those that somehow didn't manage to find a job for the summer and
are therefore busy sleeping in until two in the afternoon and getting
yelled at by their moms. If you're like me, and you'd better not be
because that would mean that I'm like you, and I really don't like that
idea very much at all, a lot of unrelated thoughts enter your head
throughout the day. Almost all of them are a complete waste of time, and
no sane person would ever want to read or hear about them without first
indulging in 'recreational' pharmaceuticals. I have included a sampling
here, for your convenience. Here's what happened:
-How totally awesome would it be to work
in the bottom rungs of a University Administrator's office and also, by
sheer measure of coincidence, happen to be named 'Dean'?
-Why is it that, if you go to the
washroom just to wash your hands, as soon as you're done you decide that
as long as you're already there you may as well go to the bathroom, and
then you have to wash your hands again? Does this happen in any other
facet of life? Have you ever gone to your car just to get something out
of the backseat, and then decided, as long as you're there, you may as
well drive to the mall?
-How come there are still stores with
names like 'Crazy Joe's' or 'Crazy Ivan's'? What kind of a bullshit
holdover from the 80s is this? You always see the commercials like "Come
to Crazy Joe's! Where the prices are so low, they're CRAZY!" I want
these stores to disappear, or at least go whole-hog. I want to see a
store called 'Suicidal Steve's'. I even came up with a commercial: "Hi.
I'm Suicidal Steve. I'm having a closing-out sale. Everything must go.
(At this point, Steve bursts into a fit of tears and the camera cuts to
static.)" I think that would go over really well amongst the people who
like to shop at a store named after a combination of the owner and his
least appealing feature.
-Suppose you got all of your information
about the outside world solely from the internet and the Jenny Jones
show. Now, what percentage of the world's females would you think were
in porn?
-Obviously, SOMEONE must still be buying
CDs, even in the post-Napster world of online piracy. I mean, every week
the Billboard chart is filled with albums that have sold millions of
copies. The real question is: Why? Who are these people who can't seem
to figure out how KaZaa works, but still somehow manage to make it to a
music store without falling down and breaking their helmets or lighting
themselves on fire?
-Are there any summer interns in the
whole entire world who work in a cubicle and yet somehow haven't gotten
really, really good at Minesweeper?
-What ever happened to 'pump'-style
sneakers? You know, the shoes that had that stupid bubble on the tongue
that you would have to squeeze a couple of times before you could walk
anywhere in them? Boy, those were cool AND useful. Provided that by
'cool' I meant 'looked like you were wearing pool floaties on your feet'
and by 'useful' I meant 'provided the ability to check one's blood
pressure at any time, including important business functions'.
-As a modern suburbanite, it's quite
common to make fun of people who live in rural areas and small towns. We
call them by these derogatory names like "hicks" and "donkey-fuckers",
and accuse them of smelling funny and having bad teeth. My problem isn't
with the stereotype. My problem is that I have a hard time imagining the
rural folk making fun of us the same way ("Hey, Lester! Check out Mr.
Big City Boy with his flush toilets and ability to read. What a loser!")
-Quote of the Moment: My friend Sean,
after I suggested we spend the day Go-Karting: "Why would we do that? We
both have cars. And they go faster than Go-Karts." I concede he may have
a point. But in my defence, I kind of thought the Go-Karts would be able
to do loop-the-loops and corkscrews and jumps, kind of like a life-sized
version of Hot Wheels. There's a possibility I may have been drunk, or
thinking of roller coasters.
-And, finally, do you remember in high
school how you would count down the number of days until summer
vacation? Well, now that I'm in college, and it's summer vacation, I
find myself counting down the number of days until school starts. What
the hell happened here? And does this trend have an end? What's going to
happen when I graduate from college and start working full time? ("Ok,
it's Tuesday, so that means only 11,951 more days until I die. Yay!")
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