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"The Choice of a Less-Gloomy Tomorrow"
Now Playing: "I Like That" by Houston
This week the once-great nation of Canada held its federal election,
and it was certainly a disappointing showing for the Tories as the
Grits held on to a strong minority, no doubt propped up by the
central role given to the
left-leaning NDP. If you understood more than one third of the words
in that first sentence, it means you are a witch. Stop reading now
and go burn yourself at the stake. No sane human being understands
Canadian politics, which is why I have taken it upon myself to run
for Prime Minister of Canada and El Jefe Spectacular of this planet
(Earth). Since it is customary for all potential world leaders to
present some sort of platform or else take over the country by El
Grande Revolucion, here's what happened:
-Drugs: There has been a lot
of talk about decriminalizing marijuana, but many people don't
understand the difference between decriminalization and
legalization, partly because it is a complex subject and partly
because there is none. I favor mandatory marijuana consumption,
especially among moms right before their kids' soccer games. Those
bitches could use some mellowing out.
-Crime: Unlike many of the other sissy-ass "politicians" out
there, I am not afraid to make a stand: I oppose crime. I think
crime is bad. I want to see it stopped. That is why I favor the
death penalty, particularly for such felonies as jaywalking, wearing
"FCUK" apparel, belonging to a gang or minority group, and stealing
my brother's Game Boy out of the minivan in the Wal-Mart parking
lot. I parked for five minutes to pick up some batteries and left
the window open by accident. I hope you die slowly. P.S. You're
going to need some fresh AA's if you want to make use of that bad
boy. I left them in the glove compartment for your convenience,
asshole.
-Taxes: Have you ever gone to the store to purchase a carton
of cigarettes that cost, oh, I don't know, $14.99? And then you get
to the checkout line with your one carton and somehow the total
comes to $84.57? And then you ask "How can this be?" and the perky
cashier who will never ever go out with you answers "That's taxes
for you!" As El Jefe Spectacular, I will ensure that the price you
see is the price you pay, so future generations of smokers won't be
able to do any math at all. And really,
what's cooler than a smoking,
numerically-impaired dude who can't even score a date
with the girl at the checkout line?
-Health Care: All people should be entitled to quality
health-care, regardless of their ability to pay. However, qualified
doctors are a demanding bunch, and some of them actually insist on
being paid money in exchange for their work, if you can believe it.
They think they're so darn special, going to school for 15 years.
This is why I recommend poor people receive the same quality health
care rich people do, only instead of receiving it from qualified
"doctors," poor people will be treated by shamans, warlocks and 11th
century faith healers who still believe in the four humours and in
bleeding out the illness. I think my plan will not only save
billions in medicare costs, but also result in a steady decline of
poor people. Everybody wins!
-Education: I don't know what the big deal is. If you ask the
children what THEY want in an education system they'll say "summer
vacation all year long!" Then they'll probably go back to eating
oversweetened breakfast cereal with the same texture as PEZ and
watching cartoons with names like "The Super-Fantastic Mutant Fun
Friends and Product Placement Hour." Why not listen to your
customers?
-Gay Marriage: I was opposed to gay marriage until I realized
I didn't need to have one. In all seriousness, though (if
seriousness was a word, which to the best of my knowledge it isn't)
the problem with permitting gay marriage is that gay people have a
tendency to make everything they do disgusting. Take gay bars (no,
please, take them): No other themed bar is as universally reviled as
the gay bar. You go to a redneck bar, you see a bunch of rednecks
drinking. You go to a strip bar, you see a bunch of strippers
stripping. You go to an Irish pub, well you get the idea. But gay
bars are the only bars in the world that contain more than the
federally permissible daily quota of Gloria Gaynor AND pre-op
transsexuals parading around in fishnet stockings and pink wigs,
looking like Jem and the Holograms on mescaline. I don't want to see
any weddings like that.
-Iraq: What's been lost in
the whole WMD fiasco and the Saddam-9/11 conundrum is the very
simple notion that IRAQ WAS A TOTALITARIAN SHITHOLE. Michael Moore
would have you believe the place was fucking Club Med before the
United States moved in and sullied up the place. As El Jefe
Spectacular I will not only support the war effort in Iraq but also
invade any of those other craphole countries until every single
goddamn avenue and dirt road on this planet (Earth) has a Kentucky
Fried Chicken AND a Gap. And I won't make up any bullshit "Weapons
of Mass Destruction" excuses before bulldozing innocent people's
houses, either. It'll just be "No KFC here? Get out the cluster
bombs. It's moving day!"
-Abortion: One side's pro-life and the other's pro-choice.
How can two opposing sides of the same debate both be "pro"? One of
these sides is a filthy, filthy liar. As El Jefe Spectacular, I will
find out which side this is and abort them Auschwitz-style. Too
soon?
-Quote of the Moment: Gun Control: My friend and campaign
manager, who wishes to be referred to only as "Horace the Enchanted
Talking Wombat": "All guns should be banned, except handguns for
policemen and rifles for hunters and animated sawed-off shotguns in
Unreal Tournament. Also, there should be a morning-after pill for
gunshot victims, sort of like the one they have for defective birth
control." Horace also calls the Second Amendment a "typographical
error" and the founding fathers "a bunch of shrooming sociopaths,"
but that's to be expected of someone who shares needles.
-Economy: The road to a stable economy is paved with the
concrete of low unemployment, and the cracks must be filled with the
tar of poorly-drawn analogies. I vow to create thousands of jobs,
mostly in call centers in India. Every time you call customer
service, you will not understand a word they say because of their
thick accent and poor phone manner. Eventually you will give up
trying to get your VCR working, and instead go buy a new one from
Best Buy. You will probably be pressured into purchasing an extended
warranty as well, which is sort of a warranty for your warranty and
you know it's a good deal because the Best Buy people want you to
buy it so much. I'm sure they'd be happy to sell you an extended
warranty even if you DON'T purchase the VCR. Soon, over 75% of the
nation's purchases will be for extended Best Buy warranties, which
has to be good for the economy somehow. I don't know how the economy
works, exactly. Hold on, I'll ask Horace.
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