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Now Playing: "She Will Have Her Way" by Neil Finn
-I got a brand new box of crayons a
couple of days ago (I was bored, shut up). I love them. Here's my
problem: Too many colors. Who the hell needs this many shades of white?
And who's the genius who comes up with the names for crayons? What the
hell is 'pecan', anyway? Isn't that some kind of food? I have one white
crayon called 'snowflake' and another white crayon called 'igloo'. Hey,
you know what igloos are made out of? Snowflakes. Lots and lots of
snowflakes. That's not the point of this week's column, mind you. I just
had to let that out.
-The other day I was sitting around
feeling bored, doing whatever it is I normally do when I'm not writing
this newsletter. Then I decided to put away the sliced peaches and the
yo-yo and call some friends, you know, to "hang out". Unfortunately, all
of my friends were off having raunchy sex with their girlfriends that I
frankly don't even want to think about, so I was left all by my
lonesome. I sat around my house, bored out of my skull, for hours. Then
I came up with this great idea that should exist, but as far as I know
does not: The Friend Hooker.
-Here's how the Friend Hooker would work:
If you ever found yourself in the position I described in the previous
inappropriate paragraph, you could call up the Friend Hooker service and
for a very nominal fee, say $30 an hour, they would send over someone
who matches your description to be your friend for the day. Now, I want
to stress that this is a purely platonic relationship I'm talking about
here. They might even send over someone of the same gender. Who knows?
The Friend Hooker would show up in jeans and a hoodie, just to make sure
the client doesn't get the wrong idea. Of course, just like your other
escort agencies, Friend Hookers would offer a list of "extras" a la
carte to some of their more discriminating clientele. Say, $5 a hug?
-Friend Hookers don't have to be
attractive people. Hell, most of my real friends are nothing to write
home about (I don't like to hang around people more attractive than
myself). Unlike the whole prostitution thing, where your income is
directly related to how good you look, the Friend Hookers who will make
the most money are those with the most winning smiles and sparkling
personalities. They say beauty is only skin deep, but really, when you
think about it, that's the only part you can see, so that's the only
part that actually counts. I think the motto for the Friend Hookers
should be "You don't need to be a looker to be a Friend Hooker". It's
catchy AND it rhymes. Ok, there's a chance I've been eating too many
crayons.
-I think the Friend Hooker agency would
be a great service to people like me. Say I wanted to go to a restaurant
or a nightclub. There's nothing in the world sadder than hearing the
maitre d' call out "Witzman, table for one!" Only total losers go by
themselves to those kinds of places, and usually the bouncer spits on
you and calls you names like "loner" or "Jew boy". Damn that bastard.
I'll show him who's boss. With a Friend Hooker by my side, nobody will
ever make fun of me again.
-The Friend Hooker agency would offer
other services as well. Like, for example, you could pay a monthly fee
and get your very own Rent-a-Friend to call you and ask how your day was
every now and again. Also, they would come see you on your birthday and
give you presents for Christmas. Just make sure you don't get too
attached, or else the Friend Hooker might start treating you like my
REAL friends treat me: Showing up at my door at 2:30 in the morning
asking to borrow a rake or something. Who the hell rakes at 2:30 in the
morning? What, are they afraid of being attacked by squirrels? Fools.
-I know a lot of you hookers out there
are finding my use of the term "hooker" derogatory. The rest of you are
probably just tired of me using it so much in one newsletter. It's
pretty much lost its shock value by this point, huh? I think that these
days, people prefer the terms Escort, Prostitute, Empowered Female,
Pleasure Seeker, Temporary Girlfriend or Adult Entertainer. I can't
really think of any polite euphemisms for "Friend Hooker", though. I
guess I'll just call them frookers.
-Quote of the Moment: My (real) friend
Luke, on why he thinks it's ok to sleep with prostitutes: "I'm not
paying them for sex. I'm paying them to leave afterwards."
-Have you ever been with a group of
friends and then wanted to ditch one of them? If you surrounded yourself
with frookers you wouldn't need to worry about that sort of thing
anymore. Just say "begone" and, like magic, the frooker of your choice
takes a hike. They might get eaten by bears, for all you know. You don't
have to care, so long as you agree to pay for the whole hour. And if
you've never been in the situation I described at the beginning of this
strangely worded joke, chances are your friends have at some point tried
to ditch you. Think about that.
-Many of you are probably laughing at the
frooker concept, dismissing it as juvenile ranting by an immature,
lonely sociopath. Well, you're pretty much correct on all counts. I
mean, right now it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm sitting here drunk off
my tree writing a humor column and hoping nobody steals my rake, because
I was planning on using it later for some Wiccan rituals that I won't
get into here because they're just too damn scary to even think about.
Don't laugh too hard, though. Someday this idea will make me a lot
richer than you, and then it'll be my tax dollars that will pay for your
welfare cheques. Get a job, you parasite! Unless, of course, you plan on
stealing my idea and making money off of it yourself. If this is the
case, to you I'd just like to say: My name is Emmanuel Witzman, and I'd
like to place an order.
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