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It's generally accepted as fact that, if you live in dorms and your
friend gets sick, you're going to get sick as well. What separates
people is how they handle this information. Some people become
hypochondriacs, lock themselves in their rooms and wear air filters.
Some people just accept their fate and start drinking Neo-Citron
pre-emptively. Some people run to the Health Clinic asking for an
immunization to everything. None of these solutions help, mind you.
Everybody gets sick anyway. I suggested we stop drinking beer out of
each other's glasses. People looked at me like I was crazy. At least
I think that's what happened. I was pretty drunk at the time, and
busy trying to make out with any girl who was sick enough not to
care. Now I'm ill, the one person who doesn't deserve to be. Here's
what else happened:
-You can't get food here anytime after
11pm. Anyone who happens to have a cupboard full of Ramen Noodles is
instantly promoted to God-like status. It's weird, you'd think people
would wisen up eventually and actually BUY food and drinks to keep in
their rooms, but no one ever does. When I asked my friend Trevor if he
had anything to drink, he responded with this week's Quote of the
Moment: "Sure. I've got beer." No juice, no pop, no milk. But plenty of
beer. Of course, in fairness, I didn't have anything to drink either. If
I did, I wouldn't have asked.
-Dorm rooms are empty. I mean, besides
the computer and school books and massive quantities of alcohol and
banned halogen lamp and stupid posters. Besides those things, rooms are
pretty well empty. There sure as hell isn't any food in there, I promise
you that much. I finally went out and bought a big supply of Ramen
Noodles ("Nutritious AND Delicious, or, more specifically, neither"). I
was like 'great, now I'm set. No more begging for food and drinks from
guys who certainly won't have any'. I was so excited. I ran to boil
water, poured it into the styrofoam cup, waited three minutes, and
then... Realized I didn't have a spoon. So I had to knock on every door
begging for a fucking piece of cutlery. Nobody had one. But everyone had
beer.
-Music plays a big part in college life,
bigger than drinking or learning, anyway. Every student thinks they have
the best taste in
music, and they choose to show it off by
playing it loudly late at night outside my room. I wouldn't mind if it
weren't for the simple fact that everyone's taste in music is so awful
it makes Barry Manilow fans look cool by comparison. Clearly, the only
music that matters is mine. I say this because the music I listen to,
more often than not, falls into the general category of 'music', whereas
everyone else's music would fit more adequately into a category called
'pacemaker malfunction'. The popular music here sounds like an atonal
heartbeat at 175 decibals.
-There are lots of people (alright,
three) I know who brought their own turntables to the dorms and, because
of this, think they're DJs. They consider themselves legitimate
musicians, staying up late at night to practice their 'scratching'. I'm
here to tell you that what you're doing is NOT called 'playing an
instrument'. It's called 'operating a record player'. It's not a
difficult concept, really.
-There are also a fair number of people
who saw fit to bring along an acoustic guitar. This wouldn't be a
problem, under normal circumstances, since an acoustic guitar does in
fact fall under the general category of musical instrument.
Unfortunately, nobody seems to know how to play the guitar, so what you
end up with is 10 losers standing around playing variations on the 2
chords they know and having every song they play sound like a horrible
diluted abortion of "Land of 1000 Dances". As I write this, I'm wearing
earplugs and wishing I was more like Beethoven. Not in the talent
department. I just wish I was deaf.
-Every Wednesday, the campus bar has
'live' music by a group of students who are held together by a common
lack of skill to form a 'band' of some sort. I think they're called "The
Talentless Hacks". Their music is beyond awful. They sure have some big
speakers, though. That's what happens when you can't sing, dance or play
a musical instrument of any sort: You buy bigger speakers.
-Now Playing: "Wave Goodbye" by Steadman.
Sounds great on any sized speakers.
-People always knock on my door,
interrupting whatever it is I was doing. Then they ask me "What are you
doing?" and when I tell them, they just nod and leave. It's quite
perplexing. From now on, I'm simply going to stop answering the door
altogether. I'll put a sign up on my whiteboard that'll read "If I don't
answer the door, I'm either sleeping or having sex. Even if I do answer
the door, I'm probably thinking about both." Maybe then people will
leave me in peace.
-A few days ago, the school held it's
general elections. They've had a big problem with low turnouts in the
past, so this year they had a big campaign encouraging people to vote,
no matter whom they vote for. So I took their advice, went to the
polling booth, and quickly realized I had NO IDEA who any of the
candidates were. So I just voted for the girls with the sexiest-sounding
names. Democracy works.
-I later found out that there were a few
guys on the ballot who had been running for the last 4 years and had
never been elected. It's not like these elections even mean anything. I
say, give up. I don't even know what I was voting for, but if you've
failed to get elected 4 times in a row, your name must be REALLY ugly.
Like 'Morton' or something.
-There's a lot more 'asking out' around
here than 'breaking up'. I think that's because the guy almost always
has to be the one to ask the girl out, and the girl always says no.
-It actually snowed here. Not much, but
enough to have a snowball fight. Immediately, kids ran outside and
started pelting each other with soggy, drooping snowballs that melted in
mid-air. It wasn't even cold out, really. But everyone started acting
like it was some kind of state of emergency. Call me cynical, but I
don't see them closing the schools over the quarter-inch of accumulation
on the ground.
-Trying to have a snowball fight with a
quarter inch of snow is like using a 3.2 earthquake to rearrange your
furniture.
-For research purposes, I applied to be
an RA next year. Of course, after my Party of the Century last week, the
chances that I'll actually be an RA are non-existent. Not that it's
really a big deal. But I'm just wondering why the hiring process for RAs
is so extensive. They have multiple interviews, callbacks, and
role-playing exercises. Here's everything you need to ask to find out if
you're fully qualified to be an RA: #1) Are you an unpopular, useless
waste of space who craves an important-sounding job title to compensate
for your misspent youth? #2) Are you physically capable of unlocking
doors when morons lock themselves out of their rooms and of closing
people's doors at 7:01pm? #3) Do you possess the mental prowess to
invade on people's basic human rights by denying them the opportunity to
vomit if necessary? RAs would be a lot more fun if I was in charge of
the hiring.
-The exception to the RA = Dipshit role
is the one on my floor. Of course, because she doesn't have a giant
stick up her ass, the head RAs had to step in and intervene. It seems to
me that RAs are just set up for failure. You're supposed to enforce the
'rules' with the hand of the Almighty, while at the same time being
'available' to students. ("Gee, now that you've gotten me in trouble for
having a party, I feel a lot more at ease coming to see you with my
personal problems. It's like you really get me.")
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