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"The Best Things In Life Are Free, and So Is This Column"
Now Playing: "Broken Road" by Rascall Flatts
Back in the good old days, before women could vote,
summer job hunts took place in the
summer. But every year the competition for the six jobs that haven't
yet been outsourced to subcontinental India increases, and the hunt
must begin earlier and earlier, sort of the way stores begin setting
up their Christmas displays in August. Well this year I'm joining in
on the hysteria by beginning the hunt now, which is pretty
convenient because it means I don't have to think up a topic for
this week. Here's what happened:
-Select a Location: As a
college student, you have three (3) choices in job location: Your
college town, your home town or 'miscellaneous'. If you choose to
work in your hometown, it means you'll probably have to move back
home for the summer, a prospect about as appealing as a coat hanger
through the urethra. If you elect to stay in your college town,
you'll find out just how lame-ass it is when all your friends have
gone back home. And if you opt for 'miscellaneous', you'll spend
more money on moving costs than you will make throughout the summer.
As you can see, the right choice is quite obvious.
"The best thing about the Canadian military is
that you can just un-enlist whenever you feel like it, so on the
off-chance Halifax is invaded you can skidaddle." -Think
Upward Mobility: By this point in your college career (I hate
that phrase too), you should be thinking about more than a paycheck.
Ideally, you want to look for a job that has something to do with
your desired career. If you're studying to be an astronaut, maybe
you could get a job at Planet Hollywood. If you're a philosophy
major, try to find a job that gives you a lot of time to think.
Maybe you could become a member of the NHLPA. They seem to have
nothing but time on their hands these days.
-Update Your Resume: The average employer will spend about 15
seconds reading your resume. The way I see it, you shouldn't spend
more time writing something than will be spent viewing it (this is
also the philosophy behind every David E. Kelley show).
Unfortunately, if you spend only a quarter minute on your resume it
will probably be filled with typos and sexy lies, but nobody will
notice and it won't keep you from getting the job. Heck, do you
realize how little time I spend writing this column? If I can do it
anyone can.
-Purchase a Fax Machine: I
don't understand why employers always want resumes faxed to them. I
thought fax machines were a fad of the early 90's and nobody used
them anymore because email was so much easier. Well, the job hunting
world has always been about a decade behind real life, and if you
want to be a part of it you're going to have to buy a fax machine.
Oh, sure, you could just pay 30 cents and have your resumes faxed at
Kinko's by a kid with an eyebrow ring, but when your future employer
sees that your resume was sent from Kinko's he'll think you're
behind the times, or ahead of the times, or something. I haven't
watched 'Back to the Future' in like forever but I'm pretty sure
this situation is sort of like in that movie. Oh Biff, you're always
getting dumped with manure. You silly cad.
-Attend an Interview: Congratulations, you've gotten a
callback. I'm surprised employers don't insist on faxing back their
answer, but there you go. If the job is not located in your current
area code, the high cost of employment will continue to rise as you
travel to meet with your employer. There's no earthly reason why
they couldn't just have telephone interviews, unless they want to
see what you look like and make sure you have desirable (read:
blonde) hair. You'll probably want to pick up a wig along the way,
because evaluating hair is the only reason interviews are held in
the first place. If they actually cared what you were like don't you
think they'd spend more than 15 seconds reading your resume?
-Volunteering is for Suckers: You might think it's a good
idea to give something back to the community by working for free
with poor people who can't pay you because they're poor. Not so.
Remember that the point of a summer job is to earn money to pay for
school, not to help anyone or do anything useful. Do you think
famous celebrities like Bill Gates and MC Hammer got to where they
are by volunteering for free? I don't think so. A lot of volunteer
organizations will try to sex up their deal by offering you a trip
to Africa in exchange for your free labor. This might sound
appealing until you remember there are no Denny's in Africa, and the
people there are really poor. Did I mention they're poor? If this
paragraph hasn't been enough to deter you close your eyes and try to
imagine just how poor they really are. I bet even if they had
Denny's in Africa nobody would be able to afford it.
-The Military is Cool Until There's A War: If you're really
stuck and can't seem to find work anywhere, you might want to
consider joining the military. This is a way better idea if you're
Canadian, as there is little to no chance that your decision will
cause you to perish. The best thing about the Canadian military is
that you can just un-enlist whenever you feel like it, so on the
off-chance that Halifax is invaded or something you can put in your
two weeks notice and skidaddle. The second best thing about the
Canadian military is that we only have jungle fatigues, which don't
really camouflage anything unless you're fighting in the jungle,
which hasn't really happened since the British Empire invaded Congo
in the late 1800s. I bet the Americans with their desert fatigues
can't even see each other in Iraq. ("Is that Billy or just a pile of
sand?")
-Selling Bootlegs on Ebay is Not a Job: All those "Make Money
from Home" flyers they put up at the campus library bulletin board
are not nearly as appealing as they would have you believe. Oh,
sure. Selling third rate/stolen crap on Ebay sounds glamorous, until
you realize thousands of other suckers are trying to do the same
thing. You've got a better chance of making money via pyramid scheme
than you do making a living off Ebay. If you don't believe me give
it a try, because two things you just don't see enough of on Ebay
are diet pills and ebooks.
-If You Work On Commission You Are Pathetic: There are
several companies with impressive sounding names like "Cutco,"
"Primerica," "Cutmerica," "Exploitco Inc." etc. that take advantage
of desperate people by recruiting them to sell knives or insurance
or panda bears on commission. I could rant for hours about how these
companies are at best immoral and at worst illegal, but you won't
believe me until you get involved with one of them and end up
wasting hundreds of hours and dollars, as well as annoying all your
family and friends by trying to sell them shit. There are two kinds
of people who get involved in these scams: Innocent, naive people
who don't know any better, and pathetic wastes of life who have been
brainwashed into thinking these MLM schemes are an honest business
opportunity. If you are dumb enough to get involved with this and
don't realize your error within a week, you are a perfect candidate
for the death penalty. There I said it.
-McDonald's is Probably Hiring: If all else fails, check your
dignity at the door and go flip burgers with other people who have
no future. Because if my tax dollars go towards your welfare check
I'll be hella pissed. (This message brought to you by the Bush
administration.)
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