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"On the Advice of Our Lawyers, Not Affiliated With 'For Dummies' Books"
Now Playing: "Milk" by Garbage
Most of you probably tune your web browsers to this site every Sunday to
discover what I, the author of Text-Heavy and CFO of Text-Heavy Inc.,
the man responsible for bilking small investors like Court out of
millions of dollars and at least 2 dozen Gmail invites, will be angry
about this week. Will it be a longwinded rant about the
state of Democracy or a more jubilant
look at the
wonders of nature. Well my friends I'm
sorry to say that won't be happening this week. Instead of complaining
excessively and with bad grammar to anyone unfortunate enough to have
their PC freeze on this page, this week I will be helping you, the
college student, change your major in the hopes that it will count
towards my community service. Damn you Leslie, the restraining order
said 40 feet not 40 yards. Bitch. Here's what happened:
-Realize You're Not Alone:
One of the first steps involved in moving away from whatever
useless/boring/too hard major you chose in high school and into the
major of your dreams is realizing many other students are in the
same boat as you, and that boat is not the Titanic. I realize that
metaphor wasn't very funny because Titanic jokes had pretty much
worn out their welcome in 1997 but hey this website is free so shut
up. According to an informal survey of some stereotypical
multicultural imaginary friends I keep locked in my imaginary wine
cellar, a full 68% intend to change their major at least once during
their imaginary college career. Also the Asian one is a really bad
driver.
-Decide if it's Right for You: Nobody can tell you whether or
not you should change your major, except perhaps your family or
friends or that homeless guy you always step over on your way to the
bus stop. But apart from those people, nobody can tell you what you
should do. What you need to do is look deep within yourself, which
requires a special telescope, and ask yourself if you really want to
graduate with a degree in whatever you're taking and be a whatever
those people turn out to be for the rest of your life. Oh, I don't
know...say, accountant. You must then choose between changing your
major and suicide. I'll be right here if you change your mind.
-Test the Waters: As you have probably guessed here I am
speaking proverbially. I am not in any way suggesting that you
actually go and test water. What would you test it for? E Coli?
Sharks? Not bloody likely thanks to El Nino. No, I mean test the
waters of your new potential major before committing to it. Take a
few electives in your prospective field, and find out if it's what
you're in the market for. Maybe you'll even be able to transfer
those electives over if you DO decide to change majors (probably
not). This is a very important step, because suppose you were
thinking of all of a sudden becoming a computer science major, if
you didn't take any classes first you wouldn't know how much time
you'd be spending in front of a computer (a lot) or how many of your
classmates would be Asian dudes (all of them). You probably don't
want to let them drive you anywhere.
-Visit Your Academic Advisor:
Ok, so you've decided to change your major. Good job! But life's not
all pennywhistles and moon pies just yet, boy howdy! If you could
change your major just by thinking about it you'd be some kind of
telepathic guy or girl and you'd probably get to be on Ripley's
Believe It or Not or at the very least Celebrity Fear Factor. No, in
order to change your major you must book an appointment with your
academic advisor. Bring beef jerky, because you could be a while.
-Calculate Your Prerequisites: The prerequisite as a concept
was invented by Nazi scientists in an underground lab as a way of
maintaining order in concentration camps. For example, before any of
the Jews involved in the creation of Nazi war machines could advance
from "artillery rifle" to "tank," they had to complete a series of
Everquest-style tasks and advance to level 35 by killing 1000 sewer
rats and eating them. This process was quickly adopted by colleges
across North America. The best part is because colleges lack the
organizational structure of the Nazi war machine most prerequisites
are entirely random, so before you can take junior biology you might
have to complete sophomore Latin and senior art history. Now if you
go and change your major you'll screw with your prerequisites so
badly you'll have a better chance of understanding the plot of
'Gravity's Rainbow' than you'll have completing your required
courses.
-Resign Yourself to Summer Classes: Face it, if you're going
to change your major, you're going to have to catch up on all the
classes you missed. Although some students opt to lengthen their
program so they complete a 4-year degree in 8 to 15 years, most
people choose to take summer school instead. If you decide to take
classes in the summer, you will not be able to
get a summer job to pay for your
tuition or complicated meth habit, nor will you be able to visit
your family and friends and fly kites or whatever the devil people
do in the summertime. On the bright side, your entire class will be
filled with people who failed the class last semester, which means
you'll probably be able to find a stupid girl to have sex with you.
Just make sure she really is a girl and not a dude in drag or a
Swiffer. Because that was embarrassing as all get out.
-If You Do Have Sex With a Swiffer, Use Protection: Although
this changing-your-major tip will seem obvious to those of you who
were paying attention during fourth period health class, I can't
stress enough the importance of using a dental dam. You might think
it's not "cool" to break out a rubber glove before you go down on
Swiffer, but trust me: Your friends will laugh a lot harder if they
find out you got her pregnant.
-Know Your Scholarships: Scholar? You? That is so funny I
think I just peed myself a little. Luckily, the word scholarship has
evolved beyond the traditional "money awarded to smart people to
prove they're better than you" into a more inclusive "money awarded
by departments desperate to up their recruitment numbers." Yes,
that's right. If you choose a major that's particularly unpopular,
like Egyptology, you might be able to convince the university to pay
YOU in exchange for filling a seat in an otherwise empty classroom.
Plus you might learn how to write your name in hieroglyphics. It's
win-win!
-Prepare for Unexpected Setbacks: You might be questioning
how it's possible to prepare for something unexpected. Moreover, you
might ask how something could be a setback if you were already
prepared for it. Or you might have just read the boldface that
preceded this paragraph and accepted it at face value, which I think
says a lot about you as a person (racist). In any event, you will
probably be contacted by your advisor at some point during your
major-changing-adventure to be informed of some unforeseen problem
with your paperwork, so if you still want to make the change you're
going to have to re-take a whole slew of classes again for no reason
whatsoever. There is nothing you can do to avoid this lunacy, but it
helps to know it's going to happen before it does. Helps soften the
blow.
-Close the Deal: The day you declare your new major will be a
day that will live on in infamy and, if you're lucky, famy as well.
Few people forget the day they march into the advisor's office for
the final time (teriyaki-style jerky tastes best, I find) and
declare their major with all the fanfare and bureaucratic red tape
you've come to expect from your university. You'll probably have to
sign some forms. Then it's off to your new classes so you can get
busy learning the ropes, discovering it was no better than your
previous major, and begin the long process anew. Yes, changing your
major is a vicious cycle, which is my least favorite cycle (first is
the "uni"), but most students who endure the ordeal find themselves
changed forever. It is a feeling that's hard to describe, but I'll
try: Pointless.
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