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"Humor reliant on broad stereotypes"
Now Playing: "Two Beds and a Coffee Machine" by Savage Garden
Hello boys and girls. Today we're going to talk about a subject that
hasn't really been pertinent since Saved by the Bell: jocks! Yes, if
you go to college, chances are you're going to run into your share
of athletes. Unless you hang around the engineering buildings, in
which case you're probably only going to see mathletes. Don't call
them mathletes, though, because they'll probably stab you to death
with their protractors. I don't know if that actually made any
sense, because I'm pretty drunk and I can't remember the name for
those pointy things I always got in my elementary school geometry
sets that I never used for anything besides carving boobs into my
desk, and then I got caught by Miss Duchesne and she made me sit in
detention and copy words out of the dictionary for a MONTH while
everyone else went outside for recess and got better at sports than
me, which explains why I'm a little bitter on the subject but
doesn't explain why I still can't spel wurds korectlee. Anyway,
here's what happened:
-Is there a reason why photocopiers are as big as they are? I mean,
they're basically just a hybrid scanner/printer. Scanners are small.
Printers are small. Why the hell do photocopiers look like they've
been injected with anabolic steroids? I bet it's so fat people can
photocopy their asses without breaking the thing.
-In addition to not being very
funny, the previous 'joke' begs an interesting question: Do people
actually inject anabolic steroids? Or is it like a pill? I should
probably do some sort of research before writing these articles. In
order to answer this and other pressing questions, I decided to
spend a week with the university athletes. You can imagine how I
didn't fit in with the jocks because I'm a Hebrew, and so I was
unable to find any performance enhancing pharmaceuticals (they're a
tight-lipped group) (the athletes, not the pharmaceuticals), but I
was able to make the following semi-humorous observations:
-At what point do you join the track team? I can understand if
you're really fast or can run marathons or something like that, how
that would make you an athlete. But what about people who are
masters of, say, the triple jump? Do they realize how useless and
unathletic they are? Do other members of the track team make fun of
them? I mean, come on, it looks like you're doing a goddamn line
dance. I think the triple jump should be performed while wearing a
cowboy hat.
-There are lots of sports that aren't really sports, but people seem
to think they are. Like fencing. That's not a sport. That's not even
an pastime, really. If I were to dress up like some kind of
mummified Storm Trooper and start poking you with a salad fork,
you'd think I was criminally insane. And yet there are people on the
university fencing team that are going to the OLYMPICS for doing
just that. This has got to stop.
-Have you ever seen people wrestle? Real wrestling, not the WWF or
WWE or whatever the hell they're calling it these days where Oily
men taunt each other and try to keep up the pretense that the whole
thing's not fixed. Did you know there are still people who believe
that pro wrestling is real? That there's a guy actually called 'The
Rock'? Here's a question: Suppose pro wrestling actually was real,
and those storylines were really true, how come the conclusion of
every wrestling storyline is a big matchup? Does that ever happen in
reality? ("Hey, Bill! You killed my brother and stole my girlfriend
and her pet bull weevil!" "Yeah, well what are you going to do about
it?" "I'm going to kick your ass... In a tag team ladder match! At
Wrestlemania!")
-But getting back to what I was saying before I finished my Irish
Coffee and lapsed into an unstructured rant, college wrestling is
totally different. The athletes still wear tight spandex and grapple
homoerotically, and the refs are still about as useless as anything
you can buy at Crabtree & Evelyn, but in college hitting someone in
the face with a steel chair will almost definitely result in a
minimum 2-game suspension. Especially if you hit the coach.
-Quote of the Moment: My friend, when asked why he joined the hockey
team: "I don't really like playing the game. I just like punching
people and hitting them with my stick. It provides a release." I'm
sure his therapist would approve of this sort of release. By the
way, this is exactly why I don't play hockey. I don't like playing
any games where giant sticks fly at my face. Also, I'm auditioning
for the sequel to Clueless ("Clueless 2").
-They say the only people in the
world who watch and play hockey are Canadians, but I can't
understand why. I mean, apart from their love of hockey, Canadians
are perfectly normal people and not irrationally drawn to sports
that are TERRIBLY BORING.
-If you want to be good at sports, you have to work out. And if you
want to work out, you're going to have to go the gym. But you can
still be good at sports games on
Xbox if you eat at White Castle
four times a day. And which one do you think will lead to better
memories?
-Today is Superbowl Sunday (Go Panthers!) A lot of you are probably
going to be placing wagers on the big game. Some people have asked
me for betting advice, and I'm proud to announce I've devised a plan
that guarantees you'll win every sports bet you ever make. Here's
how you do it: send me an email and ask me who I'm betting on. Then
put all your money on the other team.
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